I don’t know….hoping….

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I Don’t Know…Hoping…

You know…I don’t want to do this anymore…I don’t…

I haven’t for a long time, since almost the beginning….

It doesn’t take long for the feeling of crying, and the tears that come with it, something that feels like a release….freedom….well that feeling ends, the goodness of those tears….fades…..quickly….

It might have been days, maybe a week….but very soon I didn’t want to feel the anguish anymore….

And I didn’t want to write the man blog either…not like this….talking about grief……

But I had to, to release the pain….

And ya…it helped….me….others….ya….it helps, some days I just know I have to write the man blog….

Recently though my emotions have been much more….in check….not better….more controlled….

But that leaves…..an emptiness….and I have found ways to fill it….happily…

On my way to the pub to watch the game last night I felt the pain rising….my feelings sit in me now…unable to escape…like the sound of a TV….white noise in my life………..

How long will that last you wonder….

I went to D&D performance today to talk about an engine build…the owner lost his son in ’93….he told me he still feels the anguish…..he told me to go ahead and pour tears if I wanted to….a couple good old boys hanging out in a speed shop…..

Image if I had….Some stranger walks in and sees the two of us wracking….what a site….

I did not cry….I held my tears….

I could have easily…..maybe I should have…..maybe next time….

Lessons learned….I am not the only man’s man who knows and is able to express his pain….as this old boy wiped away his tears….and 2….the white noise will continue for a very long time……..

The Man Blog Weigh In

From the top….

Beagle is at 210 pounds.  A record breaking high for him…and no end in sight….

Parker is at 249 pounds…almost back in the 250’s

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Beagle does seem happy though….just look at him awaiting his nachos…

Me…I’m at 224 this morning, not too bad….and the Sens are out, thats 3 less trips to the pub per week….

I hope…

And maybe….just maybe….they will cancel the intervention….

The ladies want shawarma tonight…I will attempt to abstain….hit the sauna…battle this sore throat a bit, hopefully not the beginning of the cold Charlotte battled last week….

The Quote of the Day

The lonely become either thoughtful or empty.
Mason Cooley

Well, I’m certainly not lonely…surrounded by my children, friends and family….whatever I am has left me sometimes thoughtful and often empty….

Syd gets braces tomorrow….she can’t wait….I’ve got lots of soup to get her through the next couple of days…

Babe….I’m getting better….I love you.

Hey….XO