Are things better now…..

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Are things better now…..

Last week….the worst….my worst week since….since she left……

……………

You know, this week….since Saturday….it hasn’t been that bad…it’s been good…..

Good

What is good…….

Well I think I didn’t cry on some of those days….does that seem weird….I think it does to me….

Let’s recap….

Friday….Ev’s birthday, it was surprisingly better than Wednesday and Thursday were….the sun helped….keeping busy outside….

Friday I would rate myself as absolutely morbid…….an improvement

Saturday…..watched the hockey game at the Heart and Crown and ended up the designated driver returning the cracker jacks from Kanata…..did I cry Saturday….yes….

All in all a good day outside of talking to Billy….reminding myself of what is missing in my life………….hiding tears at the heart and crown….a joy….

But the evening ended in fabulous fashion, a ructious ride home, horn blaring music cranking windows down singing at the top of our lungs ride…..so many laughs….this is what 8 waters at the pub offers….a safe yet amazingly crazy ride home….

Sunday…..I did not shed a tear Sunday I think….close…captured…..Monday….I think the same……

Tuesday….let the war of the brushes begin….back to school comes with the painful realization that I am not just without the love of my life….but the single father of 4 young ladies……

I saw Betty outside the office……I stayed weak for 15 minutes as we talked about grief, she lost her husband years ago….but sooner or later I built enough courage to pour tears, say goodbye, and get on with my day….

What made me crack……Betty’s simple words “You can’t bring her back”

And as the words hit my brain I searched the parking lot…..looking at the paving, the curb, the garden soil, the winter bushes…..the sky…………searching……..

I know there is no way………….

I can’t bring her back…..

…..and I can’t join her……..

Before she reminded me of how bad things truly are we talked about grief counselling, how she waited a year to give it a try…how she thinks I should….

We will see………..I did look yesterday………but it always leads to the same place……………..an empty room, filled with empty chairs……empty people sitting in them…..telling stories about what used to fill their spaces…………………

I can’t do that……….I want to try to fill myself up first………..

I sit here and pour myself out, try to get every last bit of myself out so that you might take it away from me………so that I might go outside later and be filled with new things……….a new day………..

Because I can’t bring her back………

I will fill myself back up….I know it’s what Ev wants……I KNOW…….and I’m trying……

Victor Wheeler and Ev love

I will try……..

Babe….I miss you too much……….I’m trying…………..

Thanks always to my friends……..for seeing the cracks and helping me fill them up….xoxo

The Quote of The Day

Now no one’s knocked upon my door
For a thousand years or more
All made up and nowhere to go
Welcome to this one man show

Just take a seat they’re always free
No surprise no mystery
In this theatre that I call my soul
I always play the starring role

THE POLICE

Interesting to me is…I’m not that lonely….I mean I’ve been more lonely in my life…..I was more lonely before I met Ev than I am now…..why…..

Well….she taught me so many things about love….loving myself…..my babies…….she didn’t leave me alone…….

I will never be lonely………