Where am I going…..

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Where am I going

Back to this again….lost…….

and fresh snow outside….certainly not helping…but there was a time in my life I would dance for snow…and grab my board or skis and head out the door………I guess I’ll have to try to make it back to that….

This week….my god that was a tough week….am I feeling it’s over….no….the strain of it is still there….I feel like a taunt rope….I’m straining to the limit to keep it together.

I spent the entire day yesterday outside….in the driveway getting things off my outdoor to do list….the kids playing….their laughter and smiles clearing my mind….and neighbors, stopping by for a chat….making me push ┬áto the limit not to crash….to pour tears onto the driveway….

I fought tears so long yesterday….all day……….

I held it together pretty good…..what I consider a weakness anymore…..hiding……I feel it now as I try to work through this blog post without crying…..the weight of it on my heart….

And I’m not intending to finish this without wracking….but I intend to punish myself….to hold in this pain until I can’t stand it one more second…..let it crush me…inside………the pressure of my emotions….on my heart…..my brain…………

Deep breaths….bury it….push it into the quicksand so that it has the chance to build…..get stronger and take hold of you at its leisure…………….

Yes…..today I punish myself…………..

I hate it…..

An early night last night, sent to bed to console a screaming child….missing her mother…………………

this is happening more and more….just when I thought Charlotte was forgetting her loss she seems to be reminded by the important moments….the times when her and Ev cuddled almost every single day….bed time……

Yes…as I contemplated writing the man blog or skipping it this morning….loading up the washer again….and again….and again……the single father of a lovely group of young ladies……destroyed……………

Where am I going……..

ev foo

One more day…………….

wracking…….

  1. Joan xxx
    Apr 04, 2015
    Sending you a hug .a smile and lots of love Vic.
    Reply