Monthly archives April 2015

I don’t know….hoping….

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I Don’t Know…Hoping…

You know…I don’t want to do this anymore…I don’t…

I haven’t for a long time, since almost the beginning….

It doesn’t take long for the feeling of crying, and the tears that come with it, something that feels like a release….freedom….well that feeling ends, the goodness of those tears….fades…..quickly….

It might have been days, maybe a week….but very soon I didn’t want to feel the anguish anymore….

And I didn’t want to write the man blog either…not like this….talking about grief……

But I had to, to release the pain….

And ya…it helped….me….others….ya….it helps, some days I just know I have to write the man blog….

Recently though my emotions have been much more….in check….not better….more controlled….

But that leaves…..an emptiness….and I have found ways to fill it….happily…

On my way to the pub to watch the game last night I felt the pain rising….my feelings sit in me now…unable to escape…like the sound of a TV….white noise in my life………..

How long will that last you wonder….

I went to D&D performance today to talk about an engine build…the owner lost his son in ’93….he told me he still feels the anguish…..he told me to go ahead and pour tears if I wanted to….a couple good old boys hanging out in a speed shop…..

Image if I had….Some stranger walks in and sees the two of us wracking….what a site….

I did not cry….I held my tears….

I could have easily…..maybe I should have…..maybe next time….

Lessons learned….I am not the only man’s man who knows and is able to express his pain….as this old boy wiped away his tears….and 2….the white noise will continue for a very long time……..

The Man Blog Weigh In

From the top….

Beagle is at 210 pounds.  A record breaking high for him…and no end in sight….

Parker is at 249 pounds…almost back in the 250’s

20150426_175117
Beagle does seem happy though….just look at him awaiting his nachos…

Me…I’m at 224 this morning, not too bad….and the Sens are out, thats 3 less trips to the pub per week….

I hope…

And maybe….just maybe….they will cancel the intervention….

The ladies want shawarma tonight…I will attempt to abstain….hit the sauna…battle this sore throat a bit, hopefully not the beginning of the cold Charlotte battled last week….

The Quote of the Day

The lonely become either thoughtful or empty.
Mason Cooley

Well, I’m certainly not lonely…surrounded by my children, friends and family….whatever I am has left me sometimes thoughtful and often empty….

Syd gets braces tomorrow….she can’t wait….I’ve got lots of soup to get her through the next couple of days…

Babe….I’m getting better….I love you.

Hey….XO

 

 

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Ya….back….

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Ya…back…

Let’s see…I woke up at midnight….again at 2….at 3 am I got out of bed…..

I came downstairs…sat here and stared at the computer….should I write the man blog….

No…too soon…

I had a couple coffees….feeling so tired I could puke…luckily, I did not go to poker last night.  I didn’t even make it until the end of the game at the pub….

couldn’t….I just couldn’t make it…quicksand….

Ya…I came home…it was good…little Charlotte was still up past her bed time and we had a chance to cuddle….she falls asleep in minutes if I cuddle her…….

I don’t consider her a cuddler myself though…closer to a bed hog….as the nocturnal movements of a 5 year old are beyond understanding….she might lay across the bed….an hour later have a foot in my face….then be at the foot of the bed….who knows.

Me…I just get up….

After a couple hours of staring at nothing….yep….NOTHING!!!!!!!  I decided to go back up to bed….try to close my eyes….

I mean….so tired you could puke should allow for some sleep right….no….

I lay there, trying to dream of better times new and old…..which turn into day dreams really….of new and old….which finds me pouring tears….

And after a few minutes of that I had enough….I might as well get up and fight my day…and here I am.

A short visit from the city…my neighbors don’t like me new shed…blocks their view…

Well, sadly for them, a little modification to get it 24 inches away from the deck and the thing is going to pass….Not only that, even though it is currently 9 feet high it is permitted to be as high as 13 feet!

I may have to add a wee bit on to the top of it…won’t do me any good….but the neighbors are going to love it.

Know what my wife would say…I’ll give you an exact quote….FUCKING COWARDS.  She would use those EXACT words…

So…I make it comply…no big deal for a handy guy like me….and let’s be honest….a little anger in my day helps take away a bit of the grief….and I can deal with anger….

Almost done….here I am…writing the man blog….aching….aching….my chest is killing me, grief, loss, yearning….

I’m getting used to that too….

I am going to wrack…you bet….but not now….I’m going to finish this man blog….holding in my anguish my pain my grief and my ANGER…..

For now I’m going to rot…………..

Chat soon.

Thanks to Julie and Yvette….Julie…I know that stew is going to need more scotch!  Kevin…XO.

Babe……I’m sorry….I’m trying………………

deep breathes……..

Hey….what can I say….quicksand….I’ll be okay….I will…….P1000070

I don’t want to do this anymore……….any of it……….

Time to wrack

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A New Day….

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A New Day

Where has the man blog been……happy?

……hiding…….

somewhere in between…..

Ya…somewhere in between….life isn’t easy…..it may be some day….but right now it isn’t…..

Right now…I write this man blog with a purpose…and that is to get this quicksand out of me so that I can go watch the game tonight…..sinking……I hate quicksand days…..

Yep…it’s about 5:30 in the afternoon….and I thought to myself…pour a scotch and write the man blog….you must….

So we do this….ready….

This is not going to be a wonderful week……..I try to detach myself from it…….close it off…..but it is going to be terrible…..

Terrible…..you see that…….terrible………..

That word could describe so many moments in my life these days…..

Terrible……

I don’t want to do this ANYMORE!!!!!!!  I don’t want to!!!!

I have to sit here and write this down….pour it out…so that I can leave the house and not let it sneak up on me….get under my feet and sink me down…..

I’ve gotten so used to tears on my face…..feel those tears…………….

Babe……I don’t want to do it anymore…..I don’t…….

Terrible………….

Spring is here…………………………..

I can’t do it……

This week they will put Ev’s body into the ground………..I don’t mind so much……not so much that I can’t stand it at all…..I mean…..that is just the vessel…..what she carried herself in…..she is still here…..just not in that way…she will always be in me heart…..

But I miss her that way…..and….and I just don’t want to do this anymore…I can’t fucking take it any longer………………….

Ya…I’ll just lie to myself and everyone else and say I don’t mind that she is going in….so what right….I HATE IT!  it isn’t fair…..

Wracking….to much……

So ya….I’ll just pretend to be okay with it and keep going…..keep doing this thing….this LIFE………

It’s so hard….

I’m trying to get on with life….I’m trying to keep the house together…the kids…the business….but it’s hard.

I didn’t exactly have time prepare for this…and I’m still not ready….unfocused….I can’t focus on anything….

I can hardly read a news article….I can’t watch a movie…hell, a 30 minute tv show takes me 2 hours to get through…..

I am getting to be a pro at laundry though….my god…I can push out 4 loads of laundry a day no problem….I should open a laundry….

I can wrack right…..here alone….not suffering any embarrassment at all….it’s not like I’m at a house party….or at the pub…

No…I just sit here wracking alone….hiding from everyone including the kids…..

I don’t want to pour tears in front of anyone anymore….I don’t even want to wrack alone….

I’ll tell you this…at some point today it pulled me down…I remember running up the stairs 2 at a time when it hit me….stopped me dead in my tracks…..and I could just feel it weigh on me……..

I may have made it through the rest of the day until this point, carried by piano lessons and the laughter of my children……

But I need to laugh myself….and do it without regret….

I need to live.

P1120219

The Man Blog Weigh In

Did Yoga last night with the boys, our new Tuesday night routine….I hope to start doing it every night….get in touch with the far reaches of my body and…..try to live in the space in my mind where……things can be better.

A beer afterwards and a few cups of carrots and the scale showed me up a pound at 225, but that’s okay.  Parker is at 246, Beagle is closing on 300…….Trafford…..doesn’t even seem to exist….I haven’t had my picture taken in 2 months Trafford!

Tonight, hockey, maybe poker………and some beer….I hope too much!   But sadly I’m driving so that’s out….

The Quote of The Day

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

What can I say…my friends, family and children keep me going…..very little holds me back….just me…..

I miss my love to much….babe…I miss you too much!!!!!!   But you know that…..and you know I’m trying………

Allow me to wrack…..I hate it so much but I have to get it out right now………….

Hey…I’m sorry….there is just so much….and although I try to hold it in….I can’t handle it sometimes…..k……XO

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2 shows daily…

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2 shows daily…

The spring fling at Nenad and Sandy’s last night.  A beautiful event, in a beautiful home, held by beautiful people!

Surrounded by the golden boys….and some people I’ve recently met….

pouring tears….

That is not what I wanted to be doing…..

I do not want to cry in front of people anymore…I’ve done it…enough……more than enough!

I don’t want to cry anymore….and I really don’t want to do it in front of strangers……

I wouldn’t have…but surrounded by your friends…the people you love…you let your guard down….you enjoy your time…your life…..and you realize what isn’t there….who is missing….

So…..I poured tears…quicksand tears….and quicksand tears aren’t easy….

I paid the price for holding all those moments in….and last night was hopefully the end of that for a few weeks….

Today I will finish the deck, build a shed, enjoy the day as best as I can….

And I will love…myself….my babies….my friends…..and my life…..

Short and sweet….

Babe…I love your face!

It’s looking like another beautiful day…get out there and enjoy it.

To all my friends….I owe you so much…thank you for being there for me…..

Hey….XOXOXO

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Swing away….

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Swing Away…

Things are….good.

Things are great….but…it’s hard.

Where are we…we are 5 souls trying to keep things together here…me and 4 babies….

It’s busy….it’s tough….

The ladies still haven’t realized the need to fold their own laundry without being told…and a 5 minute chore turns into a 10 minute battle……..

But!

They are amazing kids….Syd’s piano teacher is pretty much floored by her ability….it’s simple…she is so frigin smart she masters the pieces he gives her to learn immediately….why?  She can memorize the entire work in minutes….

I hope she sticks with it….and I hope she discovers new challenges…

Ave….baseball tryouts this week…one of only 2 girls trying out for the majors.  Most of these boys…her ‘competition’…having played for years….and this her first time swinging a bat…

My advice to her…..swing away!

She made me so proud…and she was so proud of herself…I can’t remember seeing her this happy in her life…beaming….I’m sure her face hurt from smiling as much as mine did….

Ya…she missed a few pitches…but she hit 8 out of 10…better than half the boys that came to bat….and those boys didn’t need to be taught how to hold a bat and stand in the box before their first ever swing….

But if I thought she was going to show the boys how it’s done at bat….next up was catching and throwing….

Afterwards…when she walked with me off the field…we laughed at how many boys caught balls with their faces….how many didn’t have the nerve to stand under the ball…not my Ave….she didn’t miss a pitch…and when the coach asked her to come closer to the catcher, as she was returning the ball from deeper in the field than she needed to…did she ground one in like so many of the boys…with not enough arm to return…nope…she hit the netting 20 feet above the catchers head…she could have thrown the ball from 20 yards deeper than 90% of the boys there!

Yep….I’m a braggart…so be it!

Now…this isn’t all wonderful of course….I can’t stand watching it half the time…thinking about my love…wishing she could see these girls doing their thing….standing by me…proud.

It makes me cry right now thinking about it……like almost every other day during the past 4 months….

Yes…it was just 4 months ago yesterday….it feels like so much longer……….and as good as I’m getting…I still wrack….I wrack and wrack and wrack….

But I am getting better.

the family

The luckiest man in the world….and the biggest loser.

Babe…..I’m trying…..

Today we finish the deck…and within the month the basement….things are starting to get better……….

The Quote of The Day

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
Ashley Smith

This is what we have tried to do for years…live our dreams….and I will continue to live them as much as I can….

Thank you to my friends as always….Kevin Parker, this man is a saint….and if you are looking for life or disability insurance…this is my plug.  I can’t tell you how much I owe this friend of mine.  http://www.lifeinsuranceottawa.ca

There is certainly a good group of guys I’ve been supported by, a lucky man!  Arthur, Pesh, Beagle, the GBG…It amazes me just how many great friends I have!

Okay…may that be the last tear I shed today….it looks like a beautiful day has begun!  Get out there and enjoy it!

Babe…I love your face…I miss you every day.

Have a great day!

Hey…XO!

 

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Spring Has Sprung….

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Spring Has Sprung

Where has the man blog been?  The man blog has been living life….

Happy.

Things have been much better since Ev’s birthday….happier…I’ve been happier and the kids have been happier….

Last night we all spent time outside…passing around a softball…getting Ave ready for her try outs this Thursday.  Charlotte rode around with the other kids on the street…we all played outside until dark….

A wonderful day…..

Sunday….my birthday….we spent at Valleyview farms, another celebration for Charlotte, everyone had a great time.  Me…suffering from my own birthday celebrations the previous evening…had the pleasure of seeing all the kids happy.

Really happy!

So….that’s where the man blog has been…happy…and no one cares about a happy man blog….I’m just living a regular life like everyone else….

Do I cry…sure, when I spoke to my sister yesterday morning I cried….I love her, and talking to her about Ev brings out a lot of emotion….I don’t have to hide anything from my sister….she knows how I’m doing….She sees it in my eyes even when I forget that she can….

This morning I found myself awake at 2:40 am…I could have likely stayed in bed but I decided to get up and face a couple more loads of laundry….I’ll hit the sack early tonight…cuddle up my Charlotte.

So is that it….

I suppose it is……..ya….I suppose I’m holding back a bit….but that is more or less it…….

Ev and I Manotick mill

Ev is with me…she always will be….

Unlike other relationships that come and go in people lives…this one will never truly end….I will always love her….I will always wish she was here….living…………..

it’s too painful…..the man blog…..I’m not sure how much I can keep doing it………

I know it’s healthier to do this….write down my feelings, explore and release them….

But do I really need to lay them on the table for you to see…………..

Is it better for me to let you know I sit here crying…….I’m not so sure………

The Weigh In

Well this part of the man blog Ev used to love to read….the old man blog….

Fatty hit the scales this morning at 226 pounds.  How that is possible I have no idea…I crushed 5 km yesterday morning.

I didn’t eat THAT much…yes I may have had a beer or 2…..or 3…..okay fine, I had 3….but I gained 2 pounds yesterday!

Parker has only gained 2 pounds since Cuba and I’m up 14!!!!

14 pounds!  Geez…..

Well we begin the old fat grind again….

An old school man blog photo…nothing of Kevin in a fat suit…no….how about this.

68 firebird
I little rip for Ricky Bobby and I yesterday.  Luckily a 455 pontiac has no issues moving my weight around….

It was a good day.

Today I’ll get a weigh in from the boys, see what’s up with the man diets….with playoffs starting this week I doubt it’s going to be pretty, for me at least.

The Quote of The Day

To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.
Eckhart Tolle

Again…I couldn’t have better friends…I just couldn’t…

Babe…I love your face…

Hey…xo

Warm…today…tomorrow….it’s on!

Have a great day!

 

 

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Those Days….

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Those Days…

The days I remember….the really great days…so many from my youth, wonderful days…..good times with friends….road trips….encounters……..the day Rhi was born…..how much that changed me….my life…….

Living on the water…..the fat Olympics…..the creation of the golden boys……

meeting Ev…………………….was that the best moment in my life…………………………the day Charlotte was born…….

There were many many great days……snow days….the days I used to spend on my snowboard…..swishing away hours…….those were good days…..the days just before I met Ev….those months………..those were good months…..

Life then was really coming around….I may not have been at my best as a person….but life was there offering me so much….great snow……amazing friends…….life was really good.

Was it all good…no…but it was very close…..

How close is it now…….

Well…unless I destroy my knee this summer I’ll be on the snow many many days next year…..so that will be a start….soccer is back, the golden boys play again as a team…..I’m only a bit fat….geez……

How is it though…….how is it………..

How is it…………

How does it compare to before………it’s tough to say……I’ve changed…..different things matter.

Let me see…..did I cry since my last man blog post……

What a joke…..ya….I guess I have….

Maybe it happens often enough still that I don’t realize it….it’s so normal that I don’t even consider it an event….and I look back at the calendar to think about when I last wrote the man blog, thinking it’s been a week, to realize that it was just Wednesday….

So…..did I cry since Wednesday…..

ya…..what a joke……

It’s Saturday morning….and since Wednesday I realize I’ve only shed tears on Thursday and Friday…..am I some sort of joke…..honestly….I had to think about that….I actually looked at the calendar to figure it out….2 days…..

Yep….the joke is on me…Ev’s been gone for almost 4 months and in that time how many days haven’t I cried….has it been 4….2 for sure….3 maybe…..but 4…..what kind of person…..man…..does this…….

Last night I cried….a bit….but I had good reason….Charlotte wailed for Mommy last night….wailed…..wracked I suppose…..but not the silent convulsive action I put myself through….no…..her agony is different from mine……she is crying loud…..loud enough to ensure Ev hears it……..

I’ll wrack now too….the pain of my children I must bare…..

I hate it……

I don’t want to do this anymore……no more tears…..no more man blog…..

Wouldn’t it be better to hide….to pretend it was fine…..

The fact of the matter is…I’m moving on….and this isn’t the advertising I’m hoping for……

golden boys and Evelyn Wheeler with victor wheeler

 

Moving on…..living……I have no choice…..you see those faces up there….look hard….I will be happy again….and that is what everyone wants….well those that matter….and the rest…..good luck to you.

Where do I find myself…..

I’m starting to feel human….really human…..

Am I okay….

No….no……..I’m a mess…..I can sit here and wrack….I can sit here and fight it too….let the pressure of my tears build up in my head….push out my ears……

But instead I will wrack……

Look on the bright side…..my bright side…..I haven’t seen quicksand in a week….if I never get into that again as long as I live it would be too soon!

The Quote of The Day

It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.
Marcus Aurelius

As I looked for the quote of the day I read some seriously good ones, amazing…..but I went with this….

Why……

I think back to some of the great words I’ve heard in my life….quotes……..

“I’m not done fighting yet”, my Father, Glenn Wheeler

“I’m not going anywhere”, my Love, Evelyn Wheeler

and one from me…..if you wonder if you are living life….you’re not.  Get on with it.

I live….you don’t like it….you know what to do…..

wow….caught up in acceptance and anger today folks….the 5 stages of grief……again a joke!

Thanks today….my friends….how in the world I ended up surrounded by this lot….the luckiest man in the world.

It’s going to be warm….time to sharpen the lawn mover blade….

Have a great day!

Wait one second…..as I gave this man blog a reread before pushing it out onto the world….it gave me a moment to reflect on what has changed….

The biggest changes in my life have been my children….now that Ev…..well, now that it is this way…..you know what else makes me cry…..Syd….on our way back from piano lessons…….how proud she makes me……her music teacher gleaming about his new student and her skills…So smart….Genius Smart…..Ev smarts……Avery….powering down the road on foot, a bike, roller blades…..the power she has…..she has super hero strength….Ev power……

My babies…..I cry with pride…wishing Ev was here beside me to feel it…..

Why do I write this stuff down……arrrgh…..I sit here…pausing…thinking I should stop…..

But you know what…..it takes a man to do this…..to put this out there….and I’m that.

….this is a mornings scratching I just prefer to delete…..so many emotions…….but…..here goes.

 

 

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Are things better now…..

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Are things better now…..

Last week….the worst….my worst week since….since she left……

……………

You know, this week….since Saturday….it hasn’t been that bad…it’s been good…..

Good

What is good…….

Well I think I didn’t cry on some of those days….does that seem weird….I think it does to me….

Let’s recap….

Friday….Ev’s birthday, it was surprisingly better than Wednesday and Thursday were….the sun helped….keeping busy outside….

Friday I would rate myself as absolutely morbid…….an improvement

Saturday…..watched the hockey game at the Heart and Crown and ended up the designated driver returning the cracker jacks from Kanata…..did I cry Saturday….yes….

All in all a good day outside of talking to Billy….reminding myself of what is missing in my life………….hiding tears at the heart and crown….a joy….

But the evening ended in fabulous fashion, a ructious ride home, horn blaring music cranking windows down singing at the top of our lungs ride…..so many laughs….this is what 8 waters at the pub offers….a safe yet amazingly crazy ride home….

Sunday…..I did not shed a tear Sunday I think….close…captured…..Monday….I think the same……

Tuesday….let the war of the brushes begin….back to school comes with the painful realization that I am not just without the love of my life….but the single father of 4 young ladies……

I saw Betty outside the office……I stayed weak for 15 minutes as we talked about grief, she lost her husband years ago….but sooner or later I built enough courage to pour tears, say goodbye, and get on with my day….

What made me crack……Betty’s simple words “You can’t bring her back”

And as the words hit my brain I searched the parking lot…..looking at the paving, the curb, the garden soil, the winter bushes…..the sky…………searching……..

I know there is no way………….

I can’t bring her back…..

…..and I can’t join her……..

Before she reminded me of how bad things truly are we talked about grief counselling, how she waited a year to give it a try…how she thinks I should….

We will see………..I did look yesterday………but it always leads to the same place……………..an empty room, filled with empty chairs……empty people sitting in them…..telling stories about what used to fill their spaces…………………

I can’t do that……….I want to try to fill myself up first………..

I sit here and pour myself out, try to get every last bit of myself out so that you might take it away from me………so that I might go outside later and be filled with new things……….a new day………..

Because I can’t bring her back………

I will fill myself back up….I know it’s what Ev wants……I KNOW…….and I’m trying……

Victor Wheeler and Ev love

I will try……..

Babe….I miss you too much……….I’m trying…………..

Thanks always to my friends……..for seeing the cracks and helping me fill them up….xoxo

The Quote of The Day

Now no one’s knocked upon my door
For a thousand years or more
All made up and nowhere to go
Welcome to this one man show

Just take a seat they’re always free
No surprise no mystery
In this theatre that I call my soul
I always play the starring role

THE POLICE

Interesting to me is…I’m not that lonely….I mean I’ve been more lonely in my life…..I was more lonely before I met Ev than I am now…..why…..

Well….she taught me so many things about love….loving myself…..my babies…….she didn’t leave me alone…….

I will never be lonely………

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Where am I going…..

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Where am I going

Back to this again….lost…….

and fresh snow outside….certainly not helping…but there was a time in my life I would dance for snow…and grab my board or skis and head out the door………I guess I’ll have to try to make it back to that….

This week….my god that was a tough week….am I feeling it’s over….no….the strain of it is still there….I feel like a taunt rope….I’m straining to the limit to keep it together.

I spent the entire day yesterday outside….in the driveway getting things off my outdoor to do list….the kids playing….their laughter and smiles clearing my mind….and neighbors, stopping by for a chat….making me push  to the limit not to crash….to pour tears onto the driveway….

I fought tears so long yesterday….all day……….

I held it together pretty good…..what I consider a weakness anymore…..hiding……I feel it now as I try to work through this blog post without crying…..the weight of it on my heart….

And I’m not intending to finish this without wracking….but I intend to punish myself….to hold in this pain until I can’t stand it one more second…..let it crush me…inside………the pressure of my emotions….on my heart…..my brain…………

Deep breaths….bury it….push it into the quicksand so that it has the chance to build…..get stronger and take hold of you at its leisure…………….

Yes…..today I punish myself…………..

I hate it…..

An early night last night, sent to bed to console a screaming child….missing her mother…………………

this is happening more and more….just when I thought Charlotte was forgetting her loss she seems to be reminded by the important moments….the times when her and Ev cuddled almost every single day….bed time……

Yes…as I contemplated writing the man blog or skipping it this morning….loading up the washer again….and again….and again……the single father of a lovely group of young ladies……destroyed……………

Where am I going……..

ev foo

One more day…………….

wracking…….

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Destroyed….

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Destroyed….

It’s going to be a bad day when you are wracking before you type the very first key….

I don’t want to live today……I don’t want to do what I have to do today…..

Today I’m going to get a headstone , I’ve put it off as long as I can…it must be done.

I have the words that will be placed on it printed out….they are ready….

All I have to do is drive there, pick a stone, pay and leave….how hard can it possibly be…………………….

wracking………..wracking………..quicksand day for sure……..

I’m putting both of our names on this headstone….

and I’ve had the conversation with a few people….am I sure?  Life is long….is that what I want to do…..if I get remarried what would my new wife think…..

….think about this…..we will all be in the ground at some day….and when my kids come to visit me….us….they won’t have to make 2 trips……

And I don’t do this for me…..I do this for my children, for our kids………

If I were doing this for me….alone….I might as well dig the hole and put myself in it…….

Yep….great advertising for personal stability…but I’m here aren’t I….I’m doing it……..

I can say whatever I want….I can express my feelings if I choose……

Anyway….that’s it….

No Quote….No weigh in……

ev florida

Babe….I miss you too much…..I’m trying…………………..

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Time…Days…Months….

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Time…Days…Months….

Syd stared at the calendar yesterday morning before school….stared at the date…April 3rd.

I know….I feel that pain…..I know she is in a terrible place.

I hug her up…I tell her I love her…I tell her I know it’s hard…..

I also offer her counseling, which she declines yet again….I don’t know if she will be willing to try that until she is grown up….if ever…

Syd is not doing well these days….I do try to fill the gaps….but I can’t.  I do better than anyone else can….I love these girls harder than anyone else on the planet….

And they know that….which is good…………..and bad……

That must be hard on them, deep down inside……

I do remember being a young man though, my father not around…..the water does pass under that bridge…

But it isn’t final……..it isn’t this….

Where am I at?  I’m where I am….LOST…….

Am I any better than I was December 17th…honestly….no….

Somedays I’m worse……

I woke up today, opened my eyes…thinking I would be fine…I would craft this man blog without crying….it’s been long enough that I should be able to sit down here and type without wracking…….

I don’t know if I will ever be capable of that……likely never……..

I know I’ve said this 100 times….I said it to a passing friend yesterday….at the end of the driveway….

I loved her too much………

Yep….that’s it……

I will wrack…………..

the pack from tara fairhead

who wouldn’t………….

Listen kids….many of you that read this have photos of my wife….on facebook…..moments I haven’t seen….take a moment to tag us both in those please……….I don’t want to miss a thing….

okay…..I’m under now………

Babe…..I love you….see you soon………….

The Quote of The Day

Some memories are realities, and are better than anything that can ever happen to one again.
Willa Cather

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face….I know why I can’t remember anything these days….and I consider, will remembering a certain date, a name, a number…will those memories take the place of another…..

I HATE IT……..

Regardless of what I say…what I do…how I seem when you see me on the street or at the pub….on my best day…..

I’m terrible!  Simple………..

I just want it to stop…….

 

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