Grief vs Grief….

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Grief vs Grief

Where has the man blog been…well..down….

I had some serious quicksand days this week, kicked off one morning when I realized Charlotte was beginning to….forget…..

Not something I want….and it’s selfish….because forgetting is healing.

Myself…I won’t forget.  I will not….

Even if I wanted to, if I prayed for it to go away, if I paid to have the memories removed……I would not.

It’s simple…..as I unloaded the girls from the truck last night….as I take that moment to do a head count….I realize it once again, and I said it out loud….wow….you look like your mother…..

3 babies here that all share something with Ev.

FINE…..I will cry too….that is something I wish would end…but it won’t….it WILL NOT!!!!!!

Because I miss her too much!!!!!

3 months isn’t enough….a drop in the bucket….

Life is a drop in the bucket….don’t you see that……..it’s all a drop in the bucket…….

Comments about dating….the ruckus you can start by talking about dating…..

Dating….getting to know someone better…..coffee…dinner….conversation……

Those moments between 2 people where you attempt to realize the spark that divides the line between friendship and romance….

It’s no big deal!

And it’s something I could do right now without guilt.  I could go out on a date tonight and not be guilty.

It’s simple….my love is gone…….GONE!  I now have to continue living….I have to keep up a life…I have to do that for me and I have to do that for the kids.

….no good?….figure this out, Charlotte is going to be 5 in 2 weeks, me….I’ll be 44.

Math up……do it up…come on………..I told Ev I didn’t want another baby…..to have a child in my home at 60….but here I am…..ALONE….and when I’m 64 Charlotte will be 25.

I have to attempt to live….a good life….

And that is best spent with a companion by your side……

Anonymous commenters question who that woman would be….who would take it on…..

They say it will have to be a strong woman……I wouldn’t have a weak one….

A confident woman……but of course…

One that lives in the moment…..absolutely….

I HAD THAT!!!!!!  Those are things I prize in a woman…..

I want to raise my girls to be strong confident women that live in the moment…..that is the description of what every healthy human being should be!

Because life happens in the moment…..it is nothing but drops in a bucket!!!!!!!!

And kids….unless you know a grief counselor that understands where I am at…one which fell in love with their spouse, lived almost every drop in the bucket beside them….shared all those drops….and lost them….in 6 weeks……………..

Don’t bother me with it….it’s ridiculous…..this is not grief for dummies….

And if you know of another person in your life….man or woman….that would sit here and pour out their emotions and then post them in a blog for everyone to see……………..raise your hand…..

This is me….on a plate….very few people share this…..even with a counselor…..

I AM DOING THIS!!!!!!!!

Anyway….I spent a day in the quicksand this week….and a few days dipping my toes in to feel the warmth of it….it’s no pleasure….

I’m not doing this for you….this is my healing process…..

playing sand at the man blog

My healing process…..

One more thing…..for those of you that don’t like bad mouthing of absent parents…..

Syd is off for a consult for braces on Monday…her so called ‘Father’ has a dental plan….he used it to rip me off for 1600 in the past….it would be nice of course if it was put to use to cover it’s $2500 maximum for her braces….

But you know what….that guy would take the money….it has to go to him first…and he will spend it on himself….just like last time….

Right Hero?

I know people in your life read this….I hope they point you to the next line for a quick read.

Go take a look in the mirror….how’s that feel?

Me?  I give up things every day so that the kids can do dance, play soccer, baseball, piano…..  You?

I know….single fathers are going to send me nasty comments….go ahead….fill your boots.  I know both sides of that story, I assure you.

Well….that was some man blog…..I think I covered a few bases there…….

The Quote of The Day

The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.
Gloria Steinem

We are made to believe that men and women are so different….but the differences between a man and a woman are no different than the space between any 2 people.

We are trained as children to believe there is a difference….we are raised differently…and we compete differently as children amongst ourselves that create a divide….

I raise strong babies here.  Bring your strapping young man over to compete….and good luck to you….

My wife could take any man…pound for pound she was the strongest person I ever met…

Babe….I love you….every day….I miss you……I miss you very much…….

The Weigh In

I’m at 227 pounds this morning….trying to kill myself with Doritos….

Up 15 pounds in maybe 2 weeks.

It ends today…..I’m not sure how….but one thing is for sure….the fruit loops in bed stops now!

On Monday I touch base again with a fresh weigh in from everyone and so much more….

Thanks to all of you.  Anonymous commenters….I truly do appreciate everything, even that which I feel negatively about.  It makes me consider it….the other opinion….and I may just take something from it…even if I hate it.

XO

Have a great day!

  1. Anonymous
    Mar 28, 2015
    YES!!!!!! You feel, do, write whatever the frig you want!!! I dont know you, but knew Ev briefly (I know we would've became great friends) and I know she would be proud for you being you; and it just seemed more somehow today (in a good way). Loved your post because it exemplifies your strength for living your life your way! Grief, sadness, quicksand days, laughter, dance recitals, braces AND soccer practices... So despite your grief (which I'm so sorry for) there was a big YES over here for you defining it on your own terms! H
    Reply
  2. beautybiz@xplornet.ca'
    Anonymous
    Mar 28, 2015
    Get out and enjoy the sunshine! U r a true inspiration to all. I too enjoyed your blog this morning! You are going to be just fine! Have a great day Victor! Xo
    Reply
  3. dannyatli@yahoo.com'
    Danny
    Mar 28, 2015
    Omg.. I'm sorry for your loss. I've been wondering what happened to the blog and I just found out now. and I know you don't need any more petty or such, but the feeling of soothness, helps us sometimes. we all lose our loved once in our lifetime, you can't prevent it. it will happen sooner or later, but you gotta know that it shouldn't stop you from enjoying your life. Life doesn't stop at one point. maybe her death is a new beggining for your life, not the end, who knows? you sometimes wish for things and then you say to yourself : I wish I didn't. life is nothing more than a challanges. I know this might be weird from a young guy like me to advise a grown man like you, with more life experiences.. but there are certain life challanges that builds you and makes you who you are today. I myself went through struggles that none in a lifetime shall bear, but those challanges made me who I am today. you don't know me, and I don't know you personally.. but you know? you needn't to know someone very well to being offerd help. I know how is it to lose someone, the one you built your future with and had a dreams with, had a wonderful kids with, is pretty awful. but remember god gave you wonderful kids, you gotta call yourself lucky, because you didn't lose them either, look at the good side, yyes, you lost your loved one, but you still have a part of her, a part of her is in your kids, and a part of her is in you. she is always there and it doesn't mean that she is merely gone, that you lose contact with her forever, no. it's just another new way of communcation with her. you may not figured it out yet, but you will eventually. your sarrow won't take you anywhere, none bring her back, so you gotta live and care for your kids, they need you more than ever, you will be there hero, their idole, their everything. and once you pass away, you will still be their everything, they will choose another person like you to continue their futures with. I don't have kids nor that I'm married. but if I got married and had kids and lost my wife, surely i will feel a part is missing from me, but I will see the other part in my kids, everytime I look at their eyes, I'll see her, I will miss her yes, but everytime I'll look at the wonderful kids she brought to life for me, I'll be grateful and I'll remember her with every good and always pray for her and do good things upon her name. though I'm only 18 and you might be surprised about how sucha guy comes with these words and doesn't know anything, but you don't need to live the experience to feel, you can feel if you didn't live the experience, we all one, rignt? And just because a part of you is gone, it doesn't mean you can't live.. some people live with missing important parts, and they are still alive, because they knew how to master their minds and enjoy their lives no matter what happens. we all will be in the same place one day, you will be with your wife again. it doesn't matter if it's been 3 months, 3 years, 3 decades , You will be with her again eventually, you were created for her and she was created for you, but just because she is in another place means she is gone.. just take as she went to a long trip, and put in your heart that you will meet her again, and it's not pretending because it's the truth, our life here is a trip and so is our after life.
    Reply
    • Anonymous
      Mar 29, 2015
      Sweetie, you are a brilliant, empathetic and mature 18 year old. Whoever says kids these days don't get it, don't know what they are talking about. Wise beyond your years. Young man.. you win.
      Reply
      • dannyatli@yahoo.com'
        Danny
        Mar 29, 2015
        Awe. I just cant bear it when I see someone suffer so I pull everything out of my heart.. I just dont see that anyone deserves tosuffer no matter what happens in their life. But that man is so strong to pull it all out and share his story with the world is a good start of strength.
        Reply
  4. Anonymous
    Mar 30, 2015
    I knew Evelyn pretty well and I know she would have been so amazed by how well you are taking care of the girls. I believe she loved seeing the girls get involved in many things like she was and I think she would be happy that you are giving them the opportunity to do so.
    Reply