Too Much…

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Too Much….

What is too much….why is too much….

too much too much too much….

I’ve just sat down to write the man blog…8:25….I’ve been up for hours…putting it off I suppose…..

And today….Is not the first day I don’t cry….

Too much….

A couple things roll around in my head these days…

First….and let the comments roll…I am once again considering dating….now dating I use loosely….I’d like to meet new people….or….I’d just like to spend some time….over a drink…a coffee….a sandwich…..

I need to do it….live….find more happiness………….

Now….is that going to be easy…no….but I am doing better…which brings me to the other thing we will discuss today…..

Too much…..

Parker and I talked about too much last night…he said I was using the wrong words to describe my love for Ev…it should be so much….but it isn’t….it’s too much….

And his concerns goes a bit farther…my comments to Ev to come get me….

Well…what do you want me to tell you….this is it….I would go…..I wouldn’t make it happen….but if the doctor told me I had 6 months to live…..I’d work hard to get my life…or my children’s life….in order….

Is that a terrible thing…NO!

I’m going to take the cards I’m dealt….

I’m also working hard to stick around for another 30 years…or more….I eat right, exercise…I don’t smoke…I try to eat clean….I mean…I love living….I love it….

Would I prefer to be with Ev?  Of course….

There we go…now I’ll wrack a bit….

Yes…I would prefer to be with Ev….

I could use hollywood examples to explain how I feel…where I’m at….but it comes down to this….

I want Ev to come home….it isn’t going to happen…….

IT ISN’T

So what…..SO WHAT!!!!

So I’ll keep living…without her…

….you know…this man blog is not great advertising for future dates…..

What kind of sane person pours their emotions out on the internet for everyone to read….I should be smart enough to hold it all inside like everyone else….

idiot….

Anyway….it’s too much….that is how much I love Ev…Too Much….

But that isn’t a bad thing….and it isn’t a bad thing moving forward…

And I think I’m doing much better…in the real world….than this blog suggests….if you met me last night I just seem like a normal guy without any issues…

I think…I’ll have to get verification from the people around me……

….am I different….from the person I was a few months ago….yes…………

Yes I would say I was….but I think….I think I’m just a bit more considerate….more mindful….I certainly don’t think I’ve come through this at this point for the worse….

I think I’m better….me…I’m better….and a better person for it….a better man….

Wow….I’m rambling today…..

my point…I’m okay…..

now this…sucks…because up there I did mention I’d be willing to go….which…ya…maybe seems a bit off…but remember….I will be picking up my babies after school today…and every day following….

It’s as simple as that…..

So back to item number one today….I don’t plan on doing it alone….not forever…….

Now kindly allow me a moment to go through some memories……

beautyev

There we go….

wrack out…..

To much…..

Now…..I’m going to do the weigh in….then review my writing here….and we will see if I delete it….I think I will just let it float on out into the Universe though…..

I HATE IT!!!!!

The Weigh In…Pizza!!

Poker last night, I crushed 3 slices of pizza, a plate of chips….3 or 4 brownies…..is that it??????  I think so….

This morning I weighed in at 217.4 pounds…same as yesterday?  Very close…deep dish extra cheese pizza…you have no power over me…..

Victor Wheeler and Kevin Parker

It isn’t as easy to call myself fat these days…sure I’d like to drop another 10 pounds…but I’ll be 44 soon and I certainly do feel like the ‘average’ man…

Trafford too, he sees himself up to 167 this morning…he might have also had a late night snack last night…..but for an older gentleman…what is Trafford…carry the one, times 4 subtract 7…..Trafford’s like 60ish years old….

He is looking good too!  Getting to 160 walking around Carlingwood is not going to be easy….

Beagle….last night….pizza….no weigh in….

Parker….I saw him drinking beer….no weigh in…..

Today….I lose 2 pounds…..

The Quote of The Day

What’s true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.
What Dreams May Come

So….it’s almost time for me to preview my post….to read the outpouring of my thoughts….usually a good reason to cry….pour a bit of the old tears….

You see….I sit down here and mindlessly write whatever I feel….maybe not a good practice…but therapeutic for me….

….some of you read what I write in a positive light, some negative…and for me…it’s somewhere in between….

But meet me…see me out with the boys….I’m just a regular guy…..

Better….I’m a human being that has survived through an emotion that many people never will….real grief……..

And I’m doing it….I’m better…….

Cold, today and tomorrow…but I think after that we are into some nice days!

Hey…wish everyone you see today a GREAT day!  Screw it….tell someone you love them….just for being in the same room….why not!!!!!

Babe……..I love your GD face!!!!!!!

I love it TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

 

  1. Kim
    Mar 05, 2015
    may I just say Vic...your journey is YOUR journey.. I don't know you that well, and I know you have tons of support, but I feel as though everyone's path through grief is their own and you need not apologize for whatever stage you're in and however many times you may hit that stage. From what I see, you are doing your best with a situation you never asked for. You are moving through it with as much courage as you can. sending you hugs and good wishes.
    Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Mar 05, 2015
    Thanks for sharing! Go have a coffee, a drink, dinner... Or all three :) Follow your gut and your heart! Nobody can make that decision but YOU! stay strong! Amanda
    Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Mar 05, 2015
    You are getting through life everyday, your way! There is no manual. Your personal friends and family are there for you when you need them but do they or anyone else really know what its like? No! Yeah not many would put it out there as you do but i applaud you! If you choose to find companionship... That's your choice! You are only human, and in the prime of your life! It doesn't mean you are replacing Ev. You may find that once you try dating, it won't be for you... Again your choice. You are a wonderful human being and i think of you often and also wish you well in everything you do! Have a great day Vic!
    Reply
  4. Anonymous
    Mar 05, 2015
    Vic, i mention this before. No one is in your shoes... You MUST move forward and if YOU feel that dating will help you to move forward then do it. Heck go on a date tonight... if not tonight, then VERY SOON ...what are you waiting for?
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Mar 05, 2015
      A date tonight....hmmmm... I haven't quite looked hard enough to line that up. I cast it out into the world...I haven't figured out the entire process...not yet.... Besides, if I start seeing someone Kevin Parker is going to be very jealous!
      Reply
      • Anonymous
        Mar 05, 2015
        Well Kevin Parker is gonna have to get over it isn't he ... lol
        Reply
      • Anonymous
        Mar 05, 2015
        maybe starting out by finding companionship in someone else who is in a similar sitation..... just being able to go for a coffee...talk openly and honestly.......you could look online for support groups...or post an ad on kijiji! :)
        Reply
        • Victor Wheeler
          Mar 05, 2015
          To be honest the support group idea seems foreign to me... I have a huge support group already.... No man in history gets more man hugs than I do!
          Reply
          • Anonymous
            Mar 05, 2015
            true...but being around people who actually have been through or are currently going through what you have exerpienced may be a different and great thing for you..........support from friends/family is amazing and definitely needed......, but talking with someone who actually has been through the same type of grief may offer a different type of healing for you........just a thought! :)
          • Victor Wheeler
            Mar 05, 2015
            I actually do have that. Via the blog and in my regular day to day I talk to many people that have or are going through the same thing... It does help. Me and them...the us's. Hey....have a great day! Xoxo
          • Anonymous
            Mar 05, 2015
            Vic, just go on a date or two to see if you are ready for more. Plain and simple... I suppose the idea of seeing someone might put a little pressure on you, especially from feeling a bit guilty stand point. I think the only way to know if you are ready to date is by going on a date. Don;t bother thinking about it just do it and get your answer .. either way!
          • Victor Wheeler
            Mar 05, 2015
            Well talking about dating and doing it are very different things.... We shall see.... And there isn't a long line of women looking to dates super messy guys.... I'm doing what I can.
  5. Anonymous
    Mar 05, 2015
    I love that you are so open and honest, and there is something beautiful and raw about expressing true emotions. But know that you are not alone...maybe your friends dont know exactly how you feel, but others in this world have lost wives, husbands, kids....others have lost deeply and maybe finding a support group where you meet others who really do know how you feel would be something great for you...or maybe you running one of those groups in the future....you are an inspiration through your blog and maybe it's your calling to organize support groups for others going through what you are feeling. Either way, know that you are doing an amazing job....and that you will always have Ev with you in your heart.......you can see her in the sunshine, feel her in a warm summer breeze...and always see her in the smile of your babies. xo
    Reply
  6. sherryashdown@hotmail.com'
    sherry ashdown
    Mar 05, 2015
    How dare anyone tell you that you are using the wrongs words...you are using the words that come from the pain in your heart, we will never (hopefully) know what you go through everyday...we dont know how we would deal until dealt that hand..there is no wrong or right here, there never is with pure crushing raw emotion,.. we are all here for you xo
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Mar 05, 2015
      It wasn't said negatively. Just A good friend trying to feel out how I was doing.
      Reply
  7. Anonymous
    Mar 06, 2015
    Vic. I don't know you but through your blog I am seeing the man that Ev loved so much. Take care of yourself through this process while being so strong for your girls. Love and have a better tomorrow.
    Reply