I Think I’m there….

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I Think I’m there….

This morning I dreamt of Ev…she woke me up after 6 hours of sleep….

………you know I just turned away from the screen for a moment….to prevent myself from crying, just like I would if I were out with the boys……making my mind switch it’s focus….detaching…..

…but that isn’t what I am talking about right now….I don’t care to talk about my detachment….how I’m getting better….

Right now I want to talk about Ev….

There we go…..

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry….

It’s simple….I love her too much….yep.  And thank God for that….thank Ev…for letting me….I sit here imagining her coming into the room, putting her arm around me….such a soft touch by such a strong person……every point of contact moans….the weight of her touch on me…soft but every point of contact a focus of power…her power, her love…………….

Yes I want her back….of course….of course…..I’ve screamed it at the top of my lungs….I yell at the sky….but it doesn’t happen, it won’t…..

Evelyn Wheeler and Charlotte WheelerBut all isn’t lost…

I still get up every day and get ready…and most of what I get ready for is little girls and young ladies…

Last night before poker we turned the music up loud and cleaned the house a bit…all of us going at it for half an hour….

We played the songs that make us cry…the ones that remind us of her right now and from long ago….

And I loved it….

Yes right now it makes me wrack….but it is hope….that our future will be happy….that the babies and I are getting on just fine….as good as we can.

Most of my contact with blog readers yesterday were a reflection that I seemed to have turned a corner, and yes, compared to last week I have…why is that….

Well folks it’s simple…I spent last week looking towards Valentines Day and battling thoughts of dating….so I was in such terrible turmoil…an inner battle, which isn’t easy to have right now when there are so many dark places to go…but I’m over it, so now I seem so much better…

I’m not currently having that battle with myself so life is easier…I guess I’ll face it again when it happens…but I’ll destroy myself that way another time…for now I focus on other things…

Don’t be thinking this is a victory for those that don’t think I should date….because I never said I should…I just placed it out there to see how I felt about it….and it wasn’t as warm and fuzzy as it should have been…

So we move on…

My darling Sydney had her second interview at Canterbury yesterday…oh how I hope she gets in.  She certainly does deserve it.  In preparing her for the interview and the group test the day before I really wanted her to put her best forward…but then I realized that one on one….she is Ev….she is a shining light in a room….and very few people on this planet aren’t going to see that…and I doubt the people at Canterbury missed it…..

Ya, she is a smart kid, so is every kid trying to get into the literary arts program…but she is MORE….yes my opinion is slightly biased….but she is……

wracking….

Fatty Eats the House

I hit the scale this morning at 211.8, up up and away….

why did I gain a pound…well I left poker at 11 last night without eating anything, I did not have pizza at poker…

I then came home and ate….hmmmm….a big box of Bridge Mixture, 460 calories…and 4 slices of rye with butter, 440 calories….is that it…..I think so.

Just before bed….now in reality that pound is taking up space inside my body which is normally reserved for PGX foam…so I could lose that and more, but who cares…am I going to lose 6 pound in the next 3 days…

Not likely…I am down to the last 10…if I lost 10 pounds right now and stood in a line of rakes you’d never find me…

I just looked for a good pic for the weigh in portion of the man blog….and I’m going with this one….


Victor Wheeler man blog

and that beautiful moment lost to fighting teenage girls…

….okay…Andy is so close at 165.1 pounds, he may as well eat…

Parker came in with a late report yesterday of 243.5.  He needs to lose a pound the next 3 days just to hit his goal of 239…I’m not sure the shakes are the way to go kids….

Beagle?????  his diet…I think I saw him eat 7 slices of pizza last night after 9 pm….carry the 4 subtract 2…he is over 200 pounds this morning….

Hello…..Hello….Beagle is that you????

sean russett whales
okay okay…maybe this one other photo…

It’s a find waldo type puzzle…let me know if it works….

Anyway…today I will try to eat well….shakes…I’m not so sure…

The Quote of The Day

Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine.
Jack Ma

I hope today is the day after tomorrow for every single one of you….

I know that isn’t going to be the case…but for me…I think so, tears and all.

Thanks to all of you that touch base with messages and muffins…a little sunshine on even the darkest days…

It is winter, and it simply won’t go away…

Babe….I hope I see you in my dreams every night….I love you so much…….

…and reviewing this post….I just want to throw this computer out the window….  perfect….

  1. Anonymous
    Feb 19, 2015
    I found "waldo" :)
    Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Feb 19, 2015
    Your blog reminds me daily to "feel". Some days it's sad, some happy, others optimistic , but all at some point all turn to gratitude for different things, even little things. Your strength is there, even if isn't always front and center. You show us how Ev's strength isn't just in her girls, but you as well. She made everyone who knew her a stronger better person even if for but a moment and we should all be grateful. Stunning picture of her and Charlotte. :)
    Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Feb 19, 2015
    Beautiful pictures today! Thanks for sharing! This is your blog, your place to vent, to share whatever you feel like sharing! Your up days, your down! I beleive that you will find your way. Have a great day!xo
    Reply
  4. Anonymous
    Feb 19, 2015
    Please forgive me for this question. I don't know what happen to your beautiful wife.I'm sur it really mattersj just something that is my head when you speak? Sorry
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Feb 19, 2015
      On October 30, 2014 she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and she passed away December 17, 2014.....
      Reply
  5. Julie@fauser.net'
    Julie Taylor
    Feb 28, 2015
    Breaks my heart..I am from Prescott and know the Kindevater family. Evelyn's dad was a great police officer in the town.....well respected and well liked. Evelyn was a little older than my daughter but she knew who she was. In fact, my daughter spoke to Evelyn about taking classes at the studio iin September. Cancer is cruel and takes no prisoners. Why would someone with so much to give be taken so early? Sometimes there are no answers. We ask "why her" or "why him" but no matter how many times we ask, there will never be an answer that makes sense. I'm not sure how I found out about your blog but I'm glad I did. You are a special man, Victor Wheeler. You and Evelyn found each other because the girls need you. They are going to come out the other side of this nightmare as strong, loving, giving, special women because of their Mom and because of the love you are showing them. I feel in my heart that you will all be okay.....not today or tomorrow but eventually, you will all be okay. Accept the love of your family and friends. You deserve it and it will help immensely.
    Reply