Nothing more than Feelings….

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Ogres have feelings too…

Wow….what a journey this has been.  The things I’ve felt….

Last night I slept around 6 hours, more than enough to feel good this morning…awake and alive….After 3 hours of sleep the night before and a day spent recovering from an out with the boys…I needed it.

Ave and I had a good cry together on Valentines Day, I had been worried about Ave…I worry about all the girls, but Ave seems to have lost some of herself along with her mother…it’s obvious that she has changed…

We had a great hug while we racked and we talked about how much we miss Mom….how much we love her….

Today will not be the first day I do not cry……..

My niece Lola, Bridgitte’s daughter, is over this weekend and she jumped in for hugs too.  She is such a good kid.  Yep this house of ours is overrun with teenage girls…

ev at mont cascades

kids at mont cascades with EvOh, the beautiful Ev….my love…..please allow me to wrack…..

Every year Ev packs up the ladies on Syd’s birthday and heads out to the water slides at Mont Cascades…I wonder if Syd will want to do that this year….

I remember Ev saying that soon it would end, Syd wouldn’t want to go anymore…………..



Yesterday I found myself driving down the 416 screaming at the top of my lungs….begging Ev to come home…..more time…..I just want more time…….

But you know what….there is no more time….nothing….

Anyway….those of you offering up your opinion of my journey here, thank you….but kindly image my life….in my life a good day spent with just one hour of tears….or is that a bad day….memories buried….

I’m doing what needs to happen here….and some day the man blog will be more fat…more french fries than feelings…

The Weigh In

Here goes…I have been crushing food, 3 dinners minimum.  Trying to feed my exhaustion.  I got home on Valentines day and had 2 bagels with cream cheese, 4 slices of toast with peanut butter, a huge plate of chicken curry with rice and 2 OH Henry bars…ys, one might have been enough, I had 2.  A quick calculation….carry the 4, minus 7….lets say 3000 calories…

My weight that morning….drum roll……survey says….215 pounds.  I gained nothing!

Kevin Parker and Andy Trafford

Trafford’s walking has paid off, although his weight loss does seem to be slowing, weighing in this morning at 266.5 pounds

A pound and a half away from his target with a 6 days to go.

Parker is up at 245.4 pounds.  He has to lose 6 pounds to get there, a pound a day…ouch

Beagle is off his diet for another day…but tomorrow he is going to continue and with no beach calling this is a good sign…I’m thinking Beagle is actually going to see 185 pounds at some point!

The only one I really worry about is Parker…he doesn’t seem to mind being a bit on the round side…it’s a soccer thing maybe….


Me…I’d still like to weigh in at 205 next Sunday, I’d settle for 209 but I really am going to punish myself this week…This morning I weighed in at 214.2 pounds….sadly I’ve decided to try the PGX shakes…and they are gross.

This week…no poker…no drinks…just PGX and one or 2 small healthy meals a day….

damn it.

FYI…I put on my skinniest pair of skinny pants today, throw backs from vacations taken 10 years ago.  And one of those pairs is actually roomy….But once I hit 205 I promise to attempt to hit the weights harder…I don’t want to starve…I just want to be healthy……

Oh…and I want to look half decent in the 250 photos that Trafford is going to take on vacation!

The Quote of The Day

Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us.
Thomas Paine

You see folks, I spill the beans…I lay it on the table to be judged.  It isn’t easy, and most people do not do this…look in the mirror and ask yourself if you would lay your thoughts and feelings out like this….

I do like to read your comments, although some have obviously not taken the time to understand what is actually happening here on the man blog and in my life….

Thanks to my friends, the people that are standing by me.  If you know, you know.

Very cold…why go out….

Babe….I love your face…the babies are doing good……..

….One more cry today and I hope its done…………



  1. Anonymous
    Feb 16, 2015
    Wow. I cannot even believe you have to post this. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your feelings or your decisions. Nobody is walking in your shoes. Even those who have experienced loss - it's not the same as every person and situation is different. I hope you continue to do whatever it is you need to do for you and your girls to deal with your grief and loss. XO
  2. Anonymous
    Feb 16, 2015
    "Please do not judge for what you know nothing of, And I pray that you will never know what it is like to lose a love. Someone you love so completely you couldn't see living your life without, Do you understand the pain, the anger the resentment-I have my doubts. But there are those who will stand by me when I need to cry, scream and shout, They will offer words of comfort or remain silent-while I try to work this out. Remember everyone suffers through their grief in their own way, The love and support of my children, friends and family will see me through another day. So, now I have to ask if you walked for just a moment in my shoes, To deal with the loss of a love so great, what would you do?
  3. Anonymous
    Feb 16, 2015
    xoxo you are doing a great job, get it out..cry, what you must to make it through this nightmare that is your life right now...i read your blog every single day, I am a friend of's odd but the other day when my life felt like shit I thought about what you go through everyday and what you will go through everyday, it made me smarten up and be stronger..Victor believe it or not you are a hero...ox
  4. Anonymous
    Feb 16, 2015
    I sincerely hope that anyone who reads your blog and decides it is their right to judge you in any way even if they think they mean to help can EFF right off! Not a single person knows what someone else is going through and what we go through in this life changes from moment to moment! Some moments we are strong and some moments we are not. I hope people respect that from now on!!