SLEEEEEEEEEP……

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Nothing to see here….sleepless in Ottawa

How is it possible to sleep just 3 short hours last night….it happens….I hit the sack around 11 last night, read until I thought I could close my eyes and drift away….it was after midnight,

Up at 3 am……….

Is 3 hours a survivable minimum for sleep….it’s happening….my chest hurts….I’m tired….

after lunch today I’m going to run a couple of miles….see if I can grab a nap after I pick the kids up from school…..

Oh well…it’s Friday.  The end of a super tough week for me, yesterday I was reflecting on my depression this week, likely the worst I’ve had as far as back to back days of gloom goes.  I mean I’ve had bad days, so many I can’t keep track, but they normally come alone, one at a time….I either fight them away or find hope in something…but this week even the somethings seemed to tangle me up and settle in with the quicksand….

Hon….I’m tired…………………………….

Today will not be the first day I do not cry………

I don’t know weak…..I can’t do this…..okay…..

first days of school

Charlotte’s first day of school….my love………

Charlotte had Canskate last night….I fought tears at the rink the entire time, sad that Ev couldn’t be there, knowing how proud she would be to see Charlotte getting better, stronger, making me so proud….

After I finished the morning shuffle yesterday I went upstairs to try to sleep….I took Ev’s pillow still in it’s pillowcase out of another pillowcase that protects it….and tried to sleep….the texture of it a comfort?  It didn’t matter…as soon as I close my eyes I search from her….

I don’t find her though…dreams of her have come to me once or twice…but when I search…I find hospital beds………empty…….

tired…..wracking…..

Yep, the man blog….what a joy…..what stage of grief are we at today kids?  Hmmmmm?

Anyway…today will be better….today will be the start of better days……….

I’m TIRED!!!!!!

Fat….

The impossible task of losing weight this week I’ll blame on all the crap you read above….tired.

When I’m tired I eat….fueling my body and mind constantly to keep ticking….

What did I eat yesterday?   Chili, bagel, a steak, 2 cups of raw veg, 2 pogos, a handful of chocolates, and after 9 pm with Beagle as my witness I ate a slice of pizza and 6….no 7 egg rolls….

Plus, 2 ounces of scotch.

What do I weigh in at?  Well yesterday I was 215 pounds so today I should be what?  220 maybe?Victor Wheeler

How about 215 pounds…ya, makes no sense to me either…

This folks is the miracle of stress on the human body.  I ate 10 thousand calories yesterday and my weight did not change…that was the number of calories I needed just to get through it…lol…it amazes me….

Well, we fly in 9 days and I’m somehow going to get myself under 210…so I have to lose at least 6 more pounds…looking at my photo I better hit the situps….

I can’t very well ask the boys for a weigh in right now, in the 4 am range…so I’ll go with yesterdays report.

Our favorite senior is down to 167.8, 2.8 pounds away from his target.  He is craving poutine…

I think a man of his years should watch his intake of cheese and gravy, maybe a few dates with that?  Anyway, I’m sure today is going to see him down half a pound, he just has to lose that every day and he will be under….

Parker…his last update was 244 pounds, that’s just 5 pounds away from his goal with 9 days to go!

Beagle proclaimed last night that he is still on vacation until after family day….does that mean he plans to continue his diet even now…after the beach?  We shall see….

Me…can I possibly punish myself these last days to get under 210?  I have plans for lunch today….a salad maybe….after that…10,000 calories….

I want to lose the weight….some day soon I start the anarchy workout…just waiting on the mailman….

The Quote of The Day

I am a generous man, by nature, and far more trusting than I should be. Indeed. The real world is risky territory for people with generosity of spirit. Beware.
Hunter S. Thompson

A high school kid was kind enough to plow into the back of my pickup at the school this week.  Her father called me and I told him I wouldn’t worry about my scratched and dented bumper but I would like a new tail light lens….he thanked me….now I wonder if maybe a guy who sends his 16 year old to high school driving an Acura is better equipped to pay for my bumper than I am….very likely….but generosity of spirit right Hunter…..

Anyway…I told him to take it easy on the kid….let’s hope my bumper bought her some relief….

I thank the boys, keeping me going, I don’t deserve to be surrounded by such a great group of friends….my neighbors…and Sarah…and who ever dropped off muffins yesterday, I can’t make out the name on the card…they aren’t exactly as Ev would have done them, yes they have no processed ingredients and are sugar free, but my darling might have burnt them just a bit….she was learning…

Babe….I’d give the world for you to make me a burnt muffin right now…..

wracking……

How does thinking about how bad someone was at baking make a person cry…….come on…..

I love your FACE!Z  k,

…………

if you slam your fist down onto a keyboard you get a Z k, this morning….ya stage of grief…Denial… check, Anger….yes, Bargaining…you bet, Depression….of course, and last but not least, Acceptance…here…  Okay, so that’s every day, all five….you think I need a therapist to walk me through this and burn my money…no…that’s what all of you are here for….well not the burning money part…..

Wait…wait….Herzog….you have a great day…

Oh ya…the poet…I appreciate it….another moment of reflection….another tear…you have a great day too…..

cold….

I hope you all have a great day!

out…..

  1. Anonymous
    Feb 13, 2015
    I just want to give you the biggest hug!!!!
    Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Feb 13, 2015
    Me too! A stranger here wants to be second in line to give you a big hug and tell u not to be so hard on yourself!❤️
    Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Feb 13, 2015
    I know you say " burning through your money" but have you considered therapy for you and the girls? To help talk it out, to deal with the wracking, to advise and give coping mechanisms that might ease some pain? It's often a big help. You wondered about dating for example. I think they advise to wait a year. Let's face it, no woman will measure up to your wife, the kids will potentially resent a new person...there is a lot there to think about, waters to navigate. Some help is never a bad thing. You deserve happiness, but sorting yourself and the girls out first, letting the rawness if emotions soften...it takes time, and a lot of it. Take care of you and your girls. One day at a time. Fill your days with productivity and activity with them. Being busy often leaves less time for thinking. Breathe! Best wishes.
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Feb 13, 2015
      I've considered it, certainly for the girls, and have taken steps to provide Syd and Ave with therapy. I can honestly tell you no one....nobody...is going to help me with my wracking. I'm not a simple fool, my feelings are here in writing for everyone to read...this is therapy. I've read the books...getting into a support group to have this same discussion with strangers face to face is not going to make the difference....having this conversation with a therapist...saying these exact words is not going to make the difference... You are my therapist...anonymously hearing the rawness of my emotions...and watching them settle. You point out my wonder regarding dating, I've been back and forth on that subject a few times...they say to wait a year...for who? Is there a specific subset of humans that that works best for or is that an average...some people wait one day while others wait a lifetime. I can tell you this, some of my friends are dating NOW and their wives are alive! I'm not ready to date...or maybe I am...I don't know, I haven't dated....when I do...I'll be ready. Being busy???? I'm the single father of 4 girls that runs a business that not only requires 4 loads of laundry a day but scheduling and accounting....I'm okay for busy thanks. Anyway...Have a great day.... or as Parker would say....okie dokie....
      Reply
  4. Anonymous
    Feb 13, 2015
    oxxo read your blog everysingle day, you and Ev make me appreciate what I have more and more veryday ox
    Reply
  5. Anonymous
    Feb 13, 2015
    I'm sorry if my comment upset you. :( Just trying to offer feedback to what is obviously an extremely difficult situation...which of course is easier to do from the outside. Everyone will handle things differently, and I just wish you some peace-in whatever ways work for your family. Wasn't my intention to ruffle already wracked feathers. :(
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Feb 13, 2015
      It's absolutely fine...I appreciate your opinion. Everything must be said and every idea explored. How will I know if I'm doing it right? Xo
      Reply
  6. Anonymous
    Feb 13, 2015
    Take the hugs! Move past that third comment :-) Okie dokie ;)
    Reply
  7. Anonymous
    Feb 14, 2015
    I think women are different than men in that we feel 'moving on' soon after loosing a loved one somehow diminishes what we had...whereas men are more sexual beings and don't think of it the same way. I felt a pang of "so soon?" when you first mentioned dating in one of your previous blogs...but understand how alone you must feel and therefore will not judge. It'll be a daunting task for any woman to step up to that role in your life given what a special, beautiful woman Ev was. It will surely be someone with loads of confidence and self assurance. I know we all wish you much love and comfort on your journey
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Feb 14, 2015
      Well I don't feel men are any different in this regard, it certainly might diminish my feelings and it certainly will make it seem that way to everyone else... In reality, nothing will diminish what Ev and I have... Maybe that is the difference between men and women. This man has made his wife an everlasting part of his life, while I suppose you believe that diminishes for women...sad.....Anyway, I haven't yet dated, so let's worry about that when it happens. It will be so soon no matter when it happens....so soon, too soon. Just like my grief....my love is GONE! So soon!
      Reply
  8. Anonymous
    Feb 14, 2015
    Actually -no not at all...I have found the love of my life and after 7 years nothing has diminished & I can't imagine what life would be like nor what I would do. I have noticed that you seem to be irritated when someone shares their thoughts or perspectives on things...& those thoughts differ from your own. Maybe remove the comments section if it is upsetting you. I in no way meant any disrespect & neither did the person in 3rd comment. Everyone is just trying to offer suggestions or thoughts on things that might help you. No one wants to upset, judge or be-little you or your loss.
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Feb 14, 2015
      Treading quicksand. I'm just offering my opinion in response. I am in no way being negative, tone is lost in the electronic world. It's too bad you take my opinion negatively, it is simply my opinion. I appreciate yours though.
      Reply
  9. Anonymous
    Feb 15, 2015
    Well your comment about assuming I believe women's feelings diminish over time & how sad that is seemed like a poignant dig. What's really sad is your friends dating while they're still married. It's sad because I was once there too, no better than them...I just hadn't found the love of my life yet, I was always searching.
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Feb 15, 2015
      I understand...you searched for the love of your life...In bars...At the grocery store........I lifted the mattress...............I look in dark places. It's valentines day, I'm wracking right now....hopefully not quicksand because I'd like to go out tonight and pretend to be a human......... I spend my moments fighting tears...if I choose to take a moment to have a coffee with a woman, that will be fine. When it happens it hapens...
      Reply
  10. Anonymous
    Feb 15, 2015
    I read your blog to hear your opinions, make sure you are doing ok. Tone is lost in writing. Everyone is different and you will be ready when you feel it. I wish you the best and we are still here to listen and send you positive energy. Happy Valentine's Day Vic! Give your girls a big hug! I've been hugging mine a lot more lately. Love you!
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Feb 15, 2015
      Love you
      Reply
  11. Anonymous
    Feb 15, 2015
    Just go with it. ...and feel it. No right or wrong way to do grief.
    Reply