Quicksand Days….

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Quicksand…

I’m not sure what makes a quicksand day, one which seems so bad…with no escape…

I don’t know why they begin or what makes them end…but luckily they do…

Yesterday was a quicksand day…do I realize it’s on as soon as I wake up in the morning…no…Quicksand days just creep up on you…they can start at any time, I’ve had quicksand days start at 8 pm, watching the hockey game with neighbors…

What is it…well, most times when the sadness of Ev being gone hits me I can either contain my anguish or shed a few tears, but the feeling will subside….on Quicksand days anguish that is contained builds very quickly, like water in a boiling pot, and once it overflows it is impossible to containing…the pain does not lessen with the tears…

That was yesterday morning, I poured for 4 or 5 hours before I found my way on to solid ground again…and how that happens….I don’t know…

…I take a break to help Charlotte, who afterwards powers up the stairs amazing me of how big she is getting…she is an active force like Avery…with the power of her mother…Wow….

…….Today will not be the first day I do not cry…………

Today will not be a quicksand day yet though, I doubt it will be at all…I simply poured too much emotion out yesterday, it sort of leaves me drained…feeling like today will be a normal day…

I can tell you this…before Ev passed, when I had to take a drive to pour tears…I welcomed quicksand when I only had 30 minutes to get myself in line…and some days I await that level of mourning…and some days I despise its arrival….

I will always miss Ev…She is with me forever in my heart and in the heart of our children…

Victor and Ev love

Wow, what a looker! You see that happiness, how about from this angle….Victor Wheeler and Ev loveThat my friends is where I want to be….

2 weeks from now I’m going to be sitting in a resort, the kids will be there, but my love will be missing….

I’m going to put on that shirt and raise a glass……..

And I am going to sink so deep into the quicksand…………………..

wracking….

But I won’t let it take me, it isn’t an option……..

Tears are not suppose to run from a human being this often….it can’t be right…….

To close out this part of the man blog today I’ll end with this…

Ev and I always watched our shows together, and as I realized the walking dead was available again I moaned….Ev will miss it…I sat down and started watching by myself when Charlotte came into the room and asked what I was watching…I told her the zombie show…….

Charlotte says,”Mommy is beside you watching it.”  I said why do you say that Charlotte, why is mommy beside me to which she responds “because she loves you so much.”

….fuck my life…………………………………

Ya, I do use the occasional off word here….and that is exactly how it is….we will all have to live with that….

you judge…go right fucking ahead…..I’m the one sitting here typing through tear filled eyes….hands shakily searching for the keys……

wracking……………………………….

Skinny Fat comes to town

The weight roller coaster is here, all rides are 5 for a buck…

213 pounds even this morning, a miracle really…I ate half a bag of bits and bites before bed….

Still 2 pounds away from my lowest low….weight wise anyway….

Andy Trafford
Andy is getting impossibly light…when I read his weigh in this morning I took a double take…168.6 pounds…

Hell I think Andy’s goal is 165, under 4 pounds away…

Maybe I should be drinking PGX shakes also…but then again, there are bits and bites….

Trafford hasn’t just been shaking his drinking cup, he is out there shaking his thing at the Carlingwood mall, and while interval training is commonly considered a sweaty activity, at Carlingwood they do their tabatas with a bit less….oumph….

Look at him, he doesn’t even require the pillar to help his balance…he will be moving up to the advanced group soon…

Parker sent me an update late yesterday, 245.4 pounds.  17 pounds in 17 days!!!!

That is amazing…

Parker really only wants to see 239….Parker, if I were you I would aim lower…and aim to stay there….

But…to each their own…hell my goal is to not pour tears in front of strangers and I’m hopeless at that….so who am I to offer up an opinion.

Beagle is at the breakfast buffet at this very moment….beer in one hand, a 12 stack of waffles in the other….

The Quote of The Day

Laughter, and the broader category of humor, are key elements in helping us go on with our life after a loss.
Allen Klein

Well…I haven’t lost my sense of humor…or many would say lack there of…   🙂

I do enjoy my life…it is good…and I find plenty of laughter in every single day…and chocolates….I might have left a few bon bons out of the weigh in portion of the man blog today…

Sarah, thanks for helping out, Dan, Moe, Megan, Kevin, the Kennedy’s…I live on a great street…To all my friends old and new…you make me the luckiest man in the world.

Warmer…of course it’s snowing…

I love you…

Babe…I love your face!

I hope you have a great day!

 

 

  1. Anonymous
    Feb 10, 2015
    Enjoy your family vacation, wear that shirt with a huge smile knowing that Ev will be sitting with you, loving you and her babies, creating memories that will become dreams to share together. You are right, she is always with you and will forever live on in your hearts and those beautiful girls. You should be proud of yourself and what you have been able to accomplish in such sad times. Stay strong, those girls will grow to love, understand and appreciate you more than you will ever know. xo
    Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Feb 10, 2015
    "The world is a sandbox, so make the best fucking sand castle the world has ever seen." Anonymous
    Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Feb 10, 2015
    Children...with their pure hearts, full of innocence...see things that we adults forget that we at one time we could see too.
    Reply
  4. ANONYMOUS
    Feb 11, 2015
    My friend, The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of your wife; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.
    Reply