Guilt…

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The Guilty Widower…

So…it’s not enough that a man such as myself cries morning, noon and night…

But on top of tears…tight skin around the eyes from so much salt left behind…

There is guilt.I feel guilty because I feel better.  I am getting better….I cry less, I moan less…I look forward to tomorrows…

How that is fair to myself I don’t know…

I was reading some comments yesterday, here, some I receive on facebook, going through emails…and I wonder what Ev would want me to do…but we all know the answer to that.  She wants me to be happy, to have a wonderful life, and share that happiness with the kids….

Today will not be the first day I do not cry……………..

It’s 3:40 am….ya….I do not sleep….not nearly enough anyway…why should I, she is hardly ever there….which I hate so much….she should be with me in my dreams…but she seldom is, and when she is…we just cry…..

I cried at bedtime last night, reading my book….Charlotte tells me she misses Mommy, I tell her I do too and we both tell Mommy we love her….a bedtime ritual….

Is there a time when I won’t cry anymore…yes…and I am ready….

Did my groceries in Barrhaven yesterday, less chance of running into people I know…pulling tears…I did not make the entire trip without seeing one of Ev’s friends…and we had a moment, in the bitter wind, while I fought my emotions…

After as I push my groceries off to my truck I just want it to stop…

The love of my life is gone…I will not be seeing her today……………

That hurts too much….

But I am here.  I have to make the most of this life…I have to be happy…I need to be loved…I need to love myself….

Evelyn Wheeler at the cottage, man blog

I just wish she would tell me….I wish she had left me a note…a letter of instructions….

I’m doing the right things….I’m taking care of our babies…I’m being a great father…

I miss you so much babe….

While I was at the grocery store yesterday, a young boy asked me my name….Victor I told him and I asked him his….Liam he said….I told him Liam was a great name…How old are you Liam…I’m 4 he said how old are you…I said 43….Wow….Liam’s face lit up….

I am a good man….I want a good life….

I hate this life right now….and I should not feel guilty that I want it to be better….I shouldn’t feel pain for wanting to feel better……

Fat at the Weigh In

I hit the scale this morning at 217 pounds, I had seen 219 this weekend, after the birthday part of Trafford’s daughter which left me in front of a huge plate of left over Indian food at 3 am….

So I have 13 days until we fly out…and I’m going to try to lose 13 pounds….this will not be easy…the last time I saw 204…I was doing serious running every day….

But I’m doing it.  I will not have any carbs starting today, I will more or less be pulling a sugar detox for the next 13 days…I hate the sugar detox….

I’d love to get you an update on the boys but there is no way they have opened an eye this early today…I will have everyone’s weight tomorrow.

I do have this for you though.Beagle tsunami at the man blog

They will not allow Beagle at the beach this year, the government of Mexico have carefully constructed a Tsumani containment unit.

This unit is now the only place Beagle can safely perform jumps or dives into the water….

Beagle had promised that if he went down to the beach he would enter very slowly…

“But Senior, what if you were to trip”, was the raised concern of the High Consul of Mexico…

Further, “The world could be destroyed”

Well, we can all sleep well tonight knowing that the officials in Mexico are protecting not just themselves…but neighboring countries…one belly flop and low laying Orlando just 2500 miles away could be wiped out….

I hope you’re having a good time Beagle….

The Quote of The Day

I should say, one of the things about being a widow or a widower, you really, really need a sense of humor, because everything’s going to fall apart.
Joyce Carol Oates

What I think as I brewed myself another coffee this morning….I’m doing what she would want…I’m trying to be happy and sparing no expense…

I am taking care of our babies…which is not easy…becoming a single father of 4 girls, unexpectedly, is like being in a fight with a lion and the gate opens up to allow a tiger into the room.

Things may seem peaceful now…in the wee hours, but very soon….the battle of the brushes will begin and that is not a war you want to oversee solo.

Lover…I’ll get it done.  I love you.

So…why not a couple more tears…there…perfect….I hate this….

Thanks to everyone…thanks to those of you that understand how I feel, and thanks to those that don’t…let’s be honest…I have no idea how to play this hand of cards….

I can tell you this…I’d like to place my cards on the table and…..vanish….a puff of smoke……………..

The weather…should we even think about the weather…no…

Love you all, I hope you have a great day.

Cheers

…You know….you write a blog post…you give it some keywords….guilt death pain….who would want to do this?  You want this life?  You want to feel this way?

wracking……………..

  1. Anonymous
    Feb 09, 2015
    Thinking of you, and sending big man hugs from across the pond big man. You are a credit to mankind.
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Feb 09, 2015
      X
      Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Feb 09, 2015
    "The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about." Anonymous
    Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Feb 09, 2015
    There were no instructions to leave because you will get it right. You are getting it right.
    Reply
  4. Anonymous
    Feb 09, 2015
    The dreams will come in time, only when you're not expecting them and they'll be fantastic :) I know only from experience.
    Reply