Let go…

Download PDF

Letting Go…

Remember in the movie Titanic….not that I was a huge fan…but let’s take a moment to remember letting go in that setting….

Lately I have been letting go…I have been attempting to think about Ev less…not less…but I’ve been trying to think of her in an un-emotional way…

What is that, what punishment is this….

Let’s get one thing clear…right now this morning I am going to attempt to write today’s man blog entirely detached…a typing zombie…I will investigate my feelings of detachment…my learned inability to feel…

Let’s begin….

I woke up yesterday morning thinking I would write the man blog without crying…I thought yesterday would be the first day I did not cry…It didn’t happen, 3 minutes into the process I had already shed a tear…

I poured some good tears and then it was over…the man blog done I was able to get on with my day, which starts with the getting the kids to school shuffle….another great success…..

There was a moment of heavenly bliss in that hour of my day……ohhhh, almost got me there for a second….

Just before Charlotte packed herself out the door she gave me a huge huge….a good, strong 45 second hug….

As we shared this wonderful moment….my heart felt so good…I just really needed a good hug…

I chuckle right now thinking about all the hugs I’ve been victim of lately….I have had a few really good ones…loving…but most were just hugs……..

okay….it’s over….

Today will not be the first day I do not cry….

Tomorrow I’m not writing the man blog…I’m NOT!

You see, I walked over to exchange words with my neighbor Adjet yesterday while he was shoveling his driveway.  As I stepped into his laneway I also see his wife…and we all exchange a few words…

Of course…I’m crying….and I DON’T WANT TO!

I just want to have a conversation with anyone I meet without crying….

Detachment….

As I spoke to my Mother on the phone yesterday…crying…trying to explain to her how I felt about not having a hand to hold, a cuddler, some one to love me…

…And before any of you tell me to find that in my children….please kindly consider that you…..anyway….

I want to feel like I do from Charlotte’s hug….more…much more….from an emotionally grown human being…an adult….

I want to be loved…..

wracking…..

Detach yourself…….let go……………..

As I sink under the water…..will I have regrets…staring back at what I was…

The Wheeler family Disney

I’m trying….I’m trying so hard to let go…to sink into a cold dark place….where I don’t cry…where I am fine without love…where I don’t need a good hug…and hand to hold………..

I sit here wracking out so hard….wanting it to be over….

As I take a moment to think about the people I meet today, random folks at the gas station, the people I meet at Rebecca Trafford’s Birthday party tonight….these people are going to look at me and wonder why I’m just a little off….why I carry sadness…or maybe I have a good day…but this mornings tears are still somehow obvious on my face….possibly no one can tell where I am.  Above the icy depths or below….

Ya…detachment…the first step back…

Man Weight

I weighed in this morning at 213 pounds even…Honestly, Great Success!

I went to ZIzi’s last night and ate 3 dinners!  As hateful as it is for them to have Portuguese Crab Cakes as a special app last night, I did enjoy them…a meal in themselves, and another app…a dinner plate…a desert also…

213 pounds…perfect!  I survived a cheat day and I still consider 213 low.  I didn’t break 210 this week but I can see just how close it is to happening and I still have 2 weeks to make it happen.   10 pounds in 2 weeks perhaps…it will not be smooth sailing, there is simply not a huge pile a fat type man weight on me at the moment.

Victor Wheeler and Evelyn Wheeler Kissing

Yes I realize this section is supposed to be about fat men but…..

Fuck…………..

Anyway….

Trafford and Parker have both broken new ground,

Trafford has power walked his way down to 169 pounds!  He will need a new pair of Silvert’s soon…he is wearing the soles right out of his….the carpet at Carlingwood has burn marks on it folks….

Parker slugs down shakes to the tune of 248.8 pounds.  He has lost 14 pounds in 14 days!

Excellent work…

Me…I’ve crushed out half a pound of tears this morning…..geez…..

The Quote of The Day

Finding someone who’s willing to drown with you creates a situation where you no longer want to drown.
Marilyn Manson

Marilyn Manson folks….wow…what a great quote if you don’t mind me saying so….

But…if you’re like me…alone…and the next step, the one you tell yourself you must let go to reach…what if you end up doing it alone…cold…dark…without feeling………

Well I’ve definitely earned my lunatic stamp for today…great…..

Today…I must thank a few people…and yes, I will forget dozens more but these are right now on my mind…Barb, Trudy and Ferdi from Zizi’s, a place that feels oddly like my own kitchen…Andrew Hale, you will put a lot of smiles on little faces, I thank the teachers at St. Jerome, helping me love my babies….and right now thinking about it making me cry…but anyway…I thank my wonderful neighbors and my excellent friends.  Gin, Sarah, Karen…thank you for helping me….

And everyone at Samadhi…keeping Ev’s dreams alive…

okay…the rest of today…I wish not to cry….

Not terribly cold out…I guess we could find something to shovel…

Love You.

 

  1. Anonymous
    Feb 08, 2015
    I think a few days away from Man Blog may do you good. You shouldn't start your day in such a negative way. It's alway's good to express your emotions, but I also believe at times we have to Fake it, until we make it. . Eventually you will make it. Smile, be happy and it will come. Your aloud to be happy Your early morning blog is setting you up, you will never not cry if you continue. It might be good to sit once a week, let us know how you are healing. I think you will see brighter days if you do that.
    Reply