The Signs…

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Signs, Signals, Sadness…

Terrible day yesterday….what makes that happen?

I woke up, wrote the man blog….maybe that’s it, just writing the blog…

Well I’ve written it on good days too, so scratch that…

Sadness…days of sadness.  Yesterday was one…

While I was in Toronto at Aunt Al’s the weekly flyers arrived and as I looked through them, The Brick Flyer in particular, it struck me to see if the dining table set that Ev always wanted was on sale…it was not….no picture, no low price.

Yesterday morning I thought I would go to the Brick’s website and have a fresh look at it…no listing…ah…I’ll drive to the store…

Hunt Club, there it is…the salesman tells me its been discontinued, last chance….I ask him if they have the buffet…a piece I wanted but Ev didn’t care for…nope…sold out, impossible to get…ah…I’ll drive to the East end, see if they have one on the floor…

Okay…remember….I’m a loon…I see signs everywhere….even the smallest coincidence might mean the world to me….

I hit the front door and as soon as I step one foot into the place a salesman hooks me and steps in stride beside me…the guy asks what I’m looking for, I say dining and he points me in the right direction….

There it is…the table…no chairs…I ask him if he has the buffet, to which he says no but he offers to check on it in the computer….there is one…Mississauga….

hmmm…I walk over to the table, the salesman at my side…it’s been on the floor a while, dirty, scratch here and there….and a sold sign on it…

Sold…the buyers name is on the sign….Lady Kinder….

I snap….

Now, Lady Kinder means nothing…it’s some ladies name…but it just rings in my soul…and now here I am…a 6 foot 2 inch 200 plus pound stranger wracking out in the Brick….the salesman has no idea what is going on….and once this happens its not like I can take a break and explain what I’m going through….

This guy has to stand there wondering If up going to break up the place while I take a moment to get my shit together enough to explain….

Lady Kinder…what the fuck…anyway….

I’m a lunatic, no big deal…

I spent most of the day sad…moaning…it’s just not right….Evelyn Wheeler at Marineland
Look at that face!  This is a child’s ride!

Lover…I love you so much….I Love your face….

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry….

Later in the day I made a trip to the grocery store…sometimes things get slim around here….Ev loved to go grab groceries daily, while I’ve always been a stock upper….I hate getting groceries….looking at all the food we usually eat….the super healthy choices we made….and wondering if one of them had something to do with her getting sick….

wracking…..damn it….

While at the grocery store I spent some time in the shampoo section looking for a patchouli shampoo…something Ev’s mom used to give to her from trips to the US shopping…and something that just now I realize I search for in vain…it was a body wash…that I hope to find today….

Now I likely shouldn’t want that…it may not be healthy to want to return that smell to me, the bathroom…but I want to…and having looked for it this morning I have to look no farther than olay patchouli body wash….that is the product…I’m almost positive…

Yesterday while searching the shampoo isle at the grocery store I found myself wanting to scream….clear the shelves…just rip the place apart….

Not good…..

I hit the sack early last night…good thing too as this morning has me up at 4am…oh well…sheets to fold and tidying up to do…

Before bed last night Charlotte told me she missed mommy…yep….a weight to bare…just one more weight….

Ground Hog Days at the Man Blog Weigh in

Yesterday was ground hog day…and so is today…

At the man blog a ground hog day is any day that you actually watched what you ate…dieted…but your weight didn’t change…it becomes a repeat…like the movie ground hog day…

Now normally I would place a picture of a ground hog right here….Bill Murray perhaps…but not today…today this…..

The beautiful Evelyn Wheeler

Ya…I know…this is the man blog portion of the man blog….

But I’m sorry…I miss her too much!….fuck….

Oh my god… wracking….

okay okay okay…I weighed in at 217.4 pounds, the same as the day before…I ate well, meat meat meat and a salad.  I ran on the treadmill…there is no reason that I didn’t drop pounds…

If I stay low carb I should hit Ketosis by Wednesday and drop below 210 over the weekend…

What do I have to care about bad breath for anyway….

Old Trafford has not been wearing his ankle weights while doing the seniors circuit at Carlingwood…he says they run his compression stalkings…oh well…

Trafford finds himself at 170.5 pounds, finding it tough to break the 170 bearier…he swears it will happen today…

My God look at my wife…damn it…I miss you babe….big…

Beagle hit the scale at 190 pounds and I think he is going to be flying to Mexico around that weight…it isn’t the 35 pounds he wanted to lose but it is a solid 15 or so…and he looks better for it as 10 of those pounds came off his chins….

Parker…oh Parker…yesterday he claimed to be at 249 pounds!  That’s almost 20 pounds….15…anyway, lots!  He must be hitting the shakes a bit harder than Trafford…Parker does have lots to lose though…he looks like her is carrying an extra Trafford around….

I’ll put in another good day today…maybe a bit of lifting and lots of protein….no carbs…who needs those silly delicious carbs anyway….

The Quote of The Day

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.
Walter Anderson

Well Walter…I will do the same…in some ways I do right now…loving my babies….but my life….itself…hmmmm

In time…everyday I do try to find some new joy…

Hey…I went to yoga last night…and I plan on going a couple days a week…it was good…even for a fat guy…

Thanks today to…Lady Kinder…hope you are well…

I plan on having a good day today…laughing…finding joy in my most precious gift.

Babe…I love your face…………….Come home…………………………………………

Anyone know what stage of grief I’m at….I’m at the fuck this stage…

please excuse my language….

cold…who cares…geez….

Love You.

 

  1. Anonymous
    Feb 03, 2015
    You are angry, sad, lonely and lost...but most of all you are a guy who's been through a tragedy and has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. I think everyone who reads your blogs every day wants to leave a comment but maybe don't seem to have the right words. You make us thankful for what we have and sad for what you've lost - all at the same time. Read a book once called 'To Heaven & Back' by Dr. Mary Neal. It totally changed my perspective on death & how I felt about those close to me who passed on. I hope it's true. Maybe time is the only thing that will help you through this because no words from anyone will take your pain away....as a Mom and a wife, the only thing I'd ever want is to see my kids and husband live on to be happy and smile - with or without me. I bet you and those kids were her universe, she needs for you to recover and be happy again. She IS always with you & has proven that, give yourself permission to feel everything you need to - no one judges you...at least the people who matter don't. You were meant to travel this path for a reason & will know someday why. Smile today at least once & really mean it - Ev wants that for you;)
    Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Feb 04, 2015
    Xo
    Reply