Monthly archives February 2015

Today…We Fly…

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Today…We Fly…

What do you want me to tell you….

Today will not be the first day I do not cry…

Yesterday….nope…

Ever….ya…some day it’s going to happen….it won’t be this week, it won’t be at the beach…

Ev shells

Let’s get one thing perfectly clear….I want you to come home…..COME HOME………….

This photo is from our last vacation away, last year’s trip to Cuba…we had a great time, we always did when we went away…just us….lots of us time….just like every day….just like at home……..

Every morning at the break of dawn we would go down to the beach for Ev’s favorite thing….collecting shells…..

Well….I’ll be collecting shells without you this time lover…..I miss your face so much………..

wracking….

I managed an entire 2 hours of sleep last night…sadly the end of my 6 hour run I had been enjoying….I am not going to be at the top of my game tonight at the resort…but I’ll give it a shot.

Not a long man blog this morning, and no weigh in, I’m eating like mad……

I could go on and on pouring out tears this morning….but i’m tired….I just want one more trip….one more afternoon nap………..one more kiss…..

Babe…..I love your face.  I can’t wait to see you again……………..

Thanks to my neighbor Kevin, a quick visit while I shoveled the driveway, and a hug while I fight my tears….I thank Beagle and Mandy for watching the dog, the girls at the shop for keeping me afloat….and everyone else out there……….helping me…..stay……..

quicksand……………….so much quicksand……………..

The Quote of The Day

We all have a personal pool of quicksand inside us where we begin to sink and need friends and family to find us and remind us of all the good that has been and will be.
Regina Brett

Deep….dark….quicksand….

I never knew it existed….and now I struggle….

The Man Blog continues while I’m away…maybe not every day….we shall see….

 

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Small Comforts….

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Small Comforts…

Everyone’s favorite time of year, summer of course…

But for me, it’s more than just sunshine and green grass…it’s simply more relaxing…and a big part of that is the morning shuffle…

Funny, Ev couldn’t wait for the kids to go back to school at the end of summer…adding to the quiet times we could spend around the house…not me…and everytime she would say she couldn’t wait for summer to end I would mention the daily shuffle…the pain that it is to get kids ready and out the door….

I hated it then…with help…and now……thinking about it, I’m terrible at it.  If the little ones weren’t having lunches made for them I don’t know…would they eat…lol…I know they would but…what if they aren’t getting lunches at school right now….do I know…

geez…I’ll check up on that.  I know the bigger girls have started buying theirs most days…like I did when I was a kid…

I realized this morning…

I woke up, 6 hours of sleep, and I thought to myself….today may be the first day I don’t cry…

Why is that…..

So, I roll over and pick up my phone…there is the flashing light that tells me I have messages…facebook messages…I read them…ya….

Well that was that…

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry…..

But why would I think it might not happen, why do I tell myself every weekend that it might not happen…

Simple!

The kids are home!!!!!

I figured this out this morning while finishing up laundry and sipping on coffee…the ladies are the balance…as long as they are close to me, I feel less agony….

Do I have enormous breakdowns, find myself in quicksand, treading through dark, thick depression with them around, hugging me…sharing in my pain…….

Yes….

But I feel it less……..they heal me…..

it’s wrack time…..

evelyn wheeler disney man blog

I CANNOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!

That is not easy…..

okay…that’s it for me today…

And for a few days…I’ll touch base while on vacation…but I have to stay in the right state of mind right now….

and that is….

BEING A ZOMBIE…..pretending not to exist!   I’d include a number of swear words here but I’ve been told the man blog is getting blocked because of it…..

the weigh in…fat…fat fat fat who cares

The Quote of the Day

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
Elbert Hubbard

Right now…I want nothing…just let me float around in NOTHING…..

Thanks for dropped off surprises….sadly I can’t sit at home sipping from a bottle because I know better in this mental state, I can’t eat muffins because I’ll balloon up…

Thanks for facebook talks…for better or worse…it’s a step in a direction…so what if some days it seems like a step backwards…it isn’t.

Kids…this isn’t easy, I’m trying…what am I trying to do….

I am caught between what I am….anxious….shaking, scared, hurt….messy….really messy…..

and what I want you to see…a big man…confident…secure….

How I am going to get through this, and what I will be on the other side….I don’t know…

Right now…I’m a make believe person, and I hate that…..I hate so many things right now…..I hate it….

Stage of grief….good luck….

Cold….

I hope every one of you has a great day….

Babe……….come home………

wracking……….

 

 

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I Think I’m there….

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I Think I’m there….

This morning I dreamt of Ev…she woke me up after 6 hours of sleep….

………you know I just turned away from the screen for a moment….to prevent myself from crying, just like I would if I were out with the boys……making my mind switch it’s focus….detaching…..

…but that isn’t what I am talking about right now….I don’t care to talk about my detachment….how I’m getting better….

Right now I want to talk about Ev….

There we go…..

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry….

It’s simple….I love her too much….yep.  And thank God for that….thank Ev…for letting me….I sit here imagining her coming into the room, putting her arm around me….such a soft touch by such a strong person……every point of contact moans….the weight of her touch on me…soft but every point of contact a focus of power…her power, her love…………….

Yes I want her back….of course….of course…..I’ve screamed it at the top of my lungs….I yell at the sky….but it doesn’t happen, it won’t…..

Evelyn Wheeler and Charlotte WheelerBut all isn’t lost…

I still get up every day and get ready…and most of what I get ready for is little girls and young ladies…

Last night before poker we turned the music up loud and cleaned the house a bit…all of us going at it for half an hour….

We played the songs that make us cry…the ones that remind us of her right now and from long ago….

And I loved it….

Yes right now it makes me wrack….but it is hope….that our future will be happy….that the babies and I are getting on just fine….as good as we can.

Most of my contact with blog readers yesterday were a reflection that I seemed to have turned a corner, and yes, compared to last week I have…why is that….

Well folks it’s simple…I spent last week looking towards Valentines Day and battling thoughts of dating….so I was in such terrible turmoil…an inner battle, which isn’t easy to have right now when there are so many dark places to go…but I’m over it, so now I seem so much better…

I’m not currently having that battle with myself so life is easier…I guess I’ll face it again when it happens…but I’ll destroy myself that way another time…for now I focus on other things…

Don’t be thinking this is a victory for those that don’t think I should date….because I never said I should…I just placed it out there to see how I felt about it….and it wasn’t as warm and fuzzy as it should have been…

So we move on…

My darling Sydney had her second interview at Canterbury yesterday…oh how I hope she gets in.  She certainly does deserve it.  In preparing her for the interview and the group test the day before I really wanted her to put her best forward…but then I realized that one on one….she is Ev….she is a shining light in a room….and very few people on this planet aren’t going to see that…and I doubt the people at Canterbury missed it…..

Ya, she is a smart kid, so is every kid trying to get into the literary arts program…but she is MORE….yes my opinion is slightly biased….but she is……

wracking….

Fatty Eats the House

I hit the scale this morning at 211.8, up up and away….

why did I gain a pound…well I left poker at 11 last night without eating anything, I did not have pizza at poker…

I then came home and ate….hmmmm….a big box of Bridge Mixture, 460 calories…and 4 slices of rye with butter, 440 calories….is that it…..I think so.

Just before bed….now in reality that pound is taking up space inside my body which is normally reserved for PGX foam…so I could lose that and more, but who cares…am I going to lose 6 pound in the next 3 days…

Not likely…I am down to the last 10…if I lost 10 pounds right now and stood in a line of rakes you’d never find me…

I just looked for a good pic for the weigh in portion of the man blog….and I’m going with this one….


Victor Wheeler man blog

and that beautiful moment lost to fighting teenage girls…

….okay…Andy is so close at 165.1 pounds, he may as well eat…

Parker came in with a late report yesterday of 243.5.  He needs to lose a pound the next 3 days just to hit his goal of 239…I’m not sure the shakes are the way to go kids….

Beagle?????  his diet…I think I saw him eat 7 slices of pizza last night after 9 pm….carry the 4 subtract 2…he is over 200 pounds this morning….

Hello…..Hello….Beagle is that you????

sean russett whales
okay okay…maybe this one other photo…

It’s a find waldo type puzzle…let me know if it works….

Anyway…today I will try to eat well….shakes…I’m not so sure…

The Quote of The Day

Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine.
Jack Ma

I hope today is the day after tomorrow for every single one of you….

I know that isn’t going to be the case…but for me…I think so, tears and all.

Thanks to all of you that touch base with messages and muffins…a little sunshine on even the darkest days…

It is winter, and it simply won’t go away…

Babe….I hope I see you in my dreams every night….I love you so much…….

…and reviewing this post….I just want to throw this computer out the window….  perfect….

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Days like that….

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Days like that….

Not my worst day…it just wasn’t…

Was it a mish mash of too busy…rear ending someone…a doctors appointment…kid scramble sort of day….

I don’t think so….I had time…time spent alone…and it wasn’t bad….It wasn’t sitting around with my love….I couldn’t touch her hand…but I’ve had worse days….

Yesterday seemed pretty good, I can’t remember when I decided to leave the warmth of my bed but it was likely something like this morning, 4 am.  It’s not bad, 6 hours of sleep…for me it’s just fine.  The morning scramble went well, outside of a slight fender bender…sadly the rear end of a Hyundai SUV is absolutely no match for the front bumper of a full sized dodge pickup…

Not a scratch on the truck…about 15% of the value of the Hyundai in damage at 5 kilometers per hour…maybe slower…

Well, that is how it goes for Mr. Wheeler these days…

beautiful dirty Evelyn

 

Now….you’d think after 2 months I would at least be able to post a picture of my beautiful wife and not cry….

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry…..

I don’t want to cry every day….I don’t WANT to…….

The issue is, once it starts it pours out the emotions you’ve saved…and I rather save them right now…I’ll save them for lonely quicksand events…..

Just look at that woman!!!  Just look at her……..

I miss you so much babe………….

I had a massage at the shop yesterday, something Ev used to nag me to do all the time, my back always hurt and she would ask if she could make me an appointment…and of course I always said no…

But since she has been gone I’ve tried to undertake her wants, and yesterday’s massage found me in and out of consciousness…

I would fall asleep for just a minute or 2 at a time….and she was there….

I dreamt of her for just 2 or 3 seconds….she was in the water beside me, the ocean or at the cottage….floating alongside a small raft, or floating chair….her head on the arm of it…she was relaxed….

She glowed….she was light….and she wore a white bathing suit…..

She didn’t move…she didn’t turn to look at me….she just floated, smiling up at the sun…..

wracking….

Hey….to see her when I close my eyes….I’d give anything for that….

Seems simple to those of you reading this, but in my life I can’t make dreams of her…the dreams don’t come….

Eating with PGX shakes??? The Weigh In

Ummm…Yesterday I had a PGX shake for breakfast and…well dinnerish…

Dinnerish is what I will now refer first dinner to…dinnerish…

I also had a piece of salmon and a cup or 2 of raw veg for lunch….I may have crushed a meat stick or 2…or 4, a hard boiled egg, another cup or 2 of raw veg, a handful of nuts….and maybe…4 teeny tiny spring rolls…

Is that it……ya, I think that might be it….

I did see 210.8 pounds on the scale today…also…today I plan on only having PGX shakes…which sucks as I baked 4 salmon steaks yesterday…I hope Charlotte is hungry!

Now…I’m not sure if all of that food and PGX shakes is to blame….but I may have spent more time in the bathroom than is normally considered acceptable….

Okay….seeing as I’ve offered up plenty of photoshopped photos of the boys, Andy has dared me to offer up this one of myself.

Vic Wheeler and Billy
There we go…and Andy thought I’d be embarrassed and wouldn’t post this photo…

Hey, these are the days when I was skinny before…I’ll post myself in a dress at under 210 anyday.

I feel bad for Billy, stuck in the middle with me…but he does pull that skimpy little number off pretty well.

Looking at this photo makes my laugh for a strange reason…Anger…I can look over 100 photos and see me making this face in a dozen of them….

Anger…well….a dozen is better than 100…

And look at how happy Parker is there not having dressed for this photo opportunity…

Carlingwood opened their doors yesterday, the floors polished and vacuumed…Trafford did an extra lap!

Trafford finds himself at 165.5 pounds this morning!!!

Half a pound away from his target…it’s a done deal.

So that is 2 of us, I’m going to hit my target today also…just drinking strawberry flavored foam….

Parker and Beagle are still in bed for another couple of hours…dreaming of Big Macs and soda….well parker is dreaming of curry and beer…the UK equivalent…

Parker’s update yesterday was 245.8, he still has to drop 6 pounds…I don’t know…

Beagle has begun the 185 diet…he did tell me that yesterday was not the first day he didn’t have sugar….smart ass.

He will see 185…hopefully not before I see 205…

The Quote of The Day

We are braver and wiser because they existed, those strong women and strong men… We are who we are because they were who they were. It’s wise to know where you come from, who called your name.
Maya Angelou

Yesterday I found out that an old friend lost her husband…leaving 2 young boys…

I’m going through the same thing…and there is nothing I can say or do to help…I know that.  I hope that each and every one of her moments have some light…and I hope in the darkest times she has help…

Today’s quote is for the Cinnamon-Pertersen family…my own…and to all of us that are stronger for having been a part of a great person’s life…

Vicki Cinnamon-Petersen

Thanks today to Jocelyn, Gin, Mandy, Sarah, Nancy, Krista, Michelle, Megan, Karen, Jennifer, My Sister, Bridgitte…this could be a long list…but so many people I know, so many of our old friends help me every day…raise my ladies…

We should all have this sort of support every day, for no reason at all….the world would be a better place.

Cold….

Babe…do what you do today…show me the way….I love your face…………….

 

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Time….

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Time…

2 months…I know I said I wouldn’t do this but today….I will.

Today will not be the first day I do not cry.

okay….okay….

Lola and I talked about Ev, life, the kids…while I drove her back to her mother’s house in Brockville yesterday.  Lola, of my nieces, spends the most time here with the girls…a welcome distraction for all of them I’m sure.  She is a great kid and I let her know it.  As we talked about what each of us lost I fought my tears….Lola has seen me pouring enough and let’s be honest…vision is important on the highway…

Bridgitte and I sat and talked for a bit…life…love…

I find myself focussing on the parts of her that remind me of Ev…the strength in her hands…some of the things she says…her tone…her voice reminds me of how Ev talked when she was mad at someone…Ev’s voice would change ever so slightly when she talked to someone she didn’t like…when she was angry…

Bridge….you’re the Angry Ev  🙂  I don’t mean that in a bad way…xoxo

But we discussed 2 months and how it feels like forever…to me Ev has been gone 2 years…my days without her drag on….

Drag on in emptiness…Victor Wheeler and Evelyn Wheeler Kissing

I had a good laugh the other day when someone posted in regards to be scared for me….I apologize….

Some days I am scared for me too…………..

Helium Diet

I’m going to make it under 210 no problem, I hit the scale this morning at 211.6 pounds.  I just need to lose 2 pounds this week to hit my goal…but let’s aim for 205 solid…let’s try to lose 7 pounds by Sunday.

Andy Trafford fat old man blog

I know…it seems crazy…but I know there are 15 pounds left on me…I just want to lose half of it.

I’m not sure what the repercussions of using PGX shakes is going to be…I mean I used to eat piles of food every day, meat and veg…now I’m having 2 shakes and a small meal

I had a hamburger on rye, some raw veg, a handful of nuts…is that it….ya I think that’s it.  Plus 2 PGX shakes…

Let’s figure that out…2 shakes 480 calories, hamburger 180 for meat 150 for bread, 100 calories in veg and let’s say 300 calories in nuts…

I had 1210 calories yesterday..

Ya, my metabolism is slowing to a crawlllllll….these shakes expand in your stomach and make you feel full…but I’m going to have to have a cheat day and a fast just to get the good old metab back in shape….I guess I will work it out….

205….

Sadly at 1200 calories a day my body will be devouring muscle mass in it’s spare time.

Guys….better to eat 4000 calories a day worth of meat and save the muscle while smoking through your kidneys……

Anyway….there is no easy way out for a lazy dieter…and right now I just want to get through this week…

Trafford did not pack it on yesterday, finding himself at 166.3 this morning, still creeping down.  He thinks he would have hit his goal yesterday if it wasn’t Family Day….Carlingwood was closed.

Beagle begins his diet again today with 185 as his goal.  He has had his fill of pop and is ready to reach new lows…We shall see.  He sits right at this moment around 197.4 pounds.  Just 12 and a half pounds away and I personally think he could get there by the end of March is he really went at it.

Parker…still sleeping…all that extra weight keeps him down.

The Quote of The Day

Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain… To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices – today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.

Kevyn Aucoin

Me too….let’s just see how that works out.

Thanks to many….so many…I’m still the luckiest man in the world…how many men have 20 guys to carry them around?

Cold?  We’ve all been inside for so long no one knows…..

Babe…Love you…I know you hear me screaming….

Have a great day!

 

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Nothing more than Feelings….

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Ogres have feelings too…

Wow….what a journey this has been.  The things I’ve felt….

Last night I slept around 6 hours, more than enough to feel good this morning…awake and alive….After 3 hours of sleep the night before and a day spent recovering from an out with the boys…I needed it.

Ave and I had a good cry together on Valentines Day, I had been worried about Ave…I worry about all the girls, but Ave seems to have lost some of herself along with her mother…it’s obvious that she has changed…

We had a great hug while we racked and we talked about how much we miss Mom….how much we love her….

Today will not be the first day I do not cry……..

My niece Lola, Bridgitte’s daughter, is over this weekend and she jumped in for hugs too.  She is such a good kid.  Yep this house of ours is overrun with teenage girls…

ev at mont cascades

kids at mont cascades with EvOh, the beautiful Ev….my love…..please allow me to wrack…..

Every year Ev packs up the ladies on Syd’s birthday and heads out to the water slides at Mont Cascades…I wonder if Syd will want to do that this year….

I remember Ev saying that soon it would end, Syd wouldn’t want to go anymore…………..

yep……

 

Yesterday I found myself driving down the 416 screaming at the top of my lungs….begging Ev to come home…..more time…..I just want more time…….

But you know what….there is no more time….nothing….

Anyway….those of you offering up your opinion of my journey here, thank you….but kindly image my life….in my life a good day spent with just one hour of tears….or is that a bad day….memories buried….

I’m doing what needs to happen here….and some day the man blog will be more fat…more french fries than feelings…

The Weigh In

Here goes…I have been crushing food, 3 dinners minimum.  Trying to feed my exhaustion.  I got home on Valentines day and had 2 bagels with cream cheese, 4 slices of toast with peanut butter, a huge plate of chicken curry with rice and 2 OH Henry bars…ys, one might have been enough, I had 2.  A quick calculation….carry the 4, minus 7….lets say 3000 calories…

My weight that morning….drum roll……survey says….215 pounds.  I gained nothing!

Kevin Parker and Andy Trafford

Trafford’s walking has paid off, although his weight loss does seem to be slowing, weighing in this morning at 266.5 pounds

A pound and a half away from his target with a 6 days to go.

Parker is up at 245.4 pounds.  He has to lose 6 pounds to get there, a pound a day…ouch

Beagle is off his diet for another day…but tomorrow he is going to continue and with no beach calling this is a good sign…I’m thinking Beagle is actually going to see 185 pounds at some point!

The only one I really worry about is Parker…he doesn’t seem to mind being a bit on the round side…it’s a soccer thing maybe….

Chubby!

Me…I’d still like to weigh in at 205 next Sunday, I’d settle for 209 but I really am going to punish myself this week…This morning I weighed in at 214.2 pounds….sadly I’ve decided to try the PGX shakes…and they are gross.

This week…no poker…no drinks…just PGX and one or 2 small healthy meals a day….

damn it.

FYI…I put on my skinniest pair of skinny pants today, throw backs from vacations taken 10 years ago.  And one of those pairs is actually roomy….But once I hit 205 I promise to attempt to hit the weights harder…I don’t want to starve…I just want to be healthy……

Oh…and I want to look half decent in the 250 photos that Trafford is going to take on vacation!

The Quote of The Day

Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us.
Thomas Paine

You see folks, I spill the beans…I lay it on the table to be judged.  It isn’t easy, and most people do not do this…look in the mirror and ask yourself if you would lay your thoughts and feelings out like this….

I do like to read your comments, although some have obviously not taken the time to understand what is actually happening here on the man blog and in my life….

Thanks to my friends, the people that are standing by me.  If you know, you know.

Very cold…why go out….

Babe….I love your face…the babies are doing good……..

….One more cry today and I hope its done…………

 

 

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Not this Valentine…

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Not This Valentine…

You ask for it…you get….fine.

Did I want to write the man blog today…no…zitch…zero…not one bit….

After a terrible week I decided this morning that I would spend my entire day as detached as I possibly could be….

I would PRETEND to live another life…yep…fuck my life……yep…….

It could not happen, as soon as Charlotte opened her eyes this morning she called down for me from upstairs….vibrant…happy…like Christmas….

Why is that?  She wanted me to have my Valentine card…a beautiful heart with a photo of her on it…..my love……..

That is not all….she also made one for mommy…………..a picture of mommy on the beach so she will be with us on vacation……

WRACKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yep….kindly allow me to drown for a moment….quicksand……Evelyn Kindervater, mommy on beach

You like it?  I added the note so she could remember it 20 years from now……..hmmmmm…..

How about this?  Time for the beach?

Evelynj KIndervater Wheeler, Victor Wheeler, RHiannon McIvor Wheeler, Sydney Skinner, Avery Skinner at sunset
Okay…so I’ve had a rough week…I almost made it today though….

I had some moments yes…driving the girls to a hockey game, dealing with fighting teenagers….begging Ev for strength….so afraid of what comes tomorrow…a single father of 4 girls….

I went to the pub after the game, sat around with Parker and Arthur, Donald, Pam, Pesh, Jen…more….

Sat and talked about love, life…..quicksand….

And I walked in there with my head up high, feeling that I had beaten the day….a great success………….

You see…I AM the big man….I am a strong confident individual…..I speak my mind like this in real life….and I stand by my word.

That is the sort of reason why Ev loved me…

…………………………ahhhhh….okay, I’m in a bad space…..breathe….

I don’t know why I’m doing this right now….I don’t….

I’m going to talk about my next life….when I date….ya, so soon….very very soon….I’m not exactly walking down the isle here folks…I’m laying dating on the table to consider, to think about….I need to jump in the pool at some point so I investigate that option.

I know…poo poo.  It stinks.  Hey…if I find a woman I really like you know what….she is going to meet Ev’s mother….her sisters….these people are my family and are always going to be…..so ya….it isn’t going to be easy street….

What will that person have to be?  It’s laughable really….for some woman to walk into my life….be viewed by my friends, my family, my children…….

You think I don’t consider these things????  I’m awake 21 hours a day!  I find time to think it all through….from all angles…and I jump on and off every path, consider every action and consequence.

Now…I do understand that from the outside…beyond the man blog I may not seem like who I am….I may not be Victor Wheeler in your world….enough people read this blog that I know many haven’t met me….and many many that have don’t really know me….

You could be a part of the pose tonight, just outside of the conversation and not realize that I’ve hit quicksand….that the conversation has had to be diverted many times so that I don’t cry in front of 100 strangers…..

Ya….I don’t want TO DO IT!!!!!

What stage of grief is that kind therapist?  Where am I right now?

….ideas?   Anyone….

Fuck it…..who am I ……what the fuck am I doing…..huh…..ideas?

You want to know where I am?

…..ya…..you want to know right now….at this moment….where I am…..I’m in HELL….

I can’t even DREAM that I have my life back……..I can’t even close my eyes and imagine that Ev is beside me!!!!!!!!!!!

yep….allow me to wrack out another day….my Valentine to remember…..

You got it….but if you think I’m going to do this on mother’s day, Ev’s birthday, December 17 next year….if I find myself doing this………..

The Quote of The Day

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
William Shakespeare

My grandfather told me about the demons…..it seems like yesterday….

It’s Valentines day….I am going out….beware…..

I warn myself….

Babe….come home…………………………………………………………………………

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SLEEEEEEEEEP……

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Nothing to see here….sleepless in Ottawa

How is it possible to sleep just 3 short hours last night….it happens….I hit the sack around 11 last night, read until I thought I could close my eyes and drift away….it was after midnight,

Up at 3 am……….

Is 3 hours a survivable minimum for sleep….it’s happening….my chest hurts….I’m tired….

after lunch today I’m going to run a couple of miles….see if I can grab a nap after I pick the kids up from school…..

Oh well…it’s Friday.  The end of a super tough week for me, yesterday I was reflecting on my depression this week, likely the worst I’ve had as far as back to back days of gloom goes.  I mean I’ve had bad days, so many I can’t keep track, but they normally come alone, one at a time….I either fight them away or find hope in something…but this week even the somethings seemed to tangle me up and settle in with the quicksand….

Hon….I’m tired…………………………….

Today will not be the first day I do not cry………

I don’t know weak…..I can’t do this…..okay…..

first days of school

Charlotte’s first day of school….my love………

Charlotte had Canskate last night….I fought tears at the rink the entire time, sad that Ev couldn’t be there, knowing how proud she would be to see Charlotte getting better, stronger, making me so proud….

After I finished the morning shuffle yesterday I went upstairs to try to sleep….I took Ev’s pillow still in it’s pillowcase out of another pillowcase that protects it….and tried to sleep….the texture of it a comfort?  It didn’t matter…as soon as I close my eyes I search from her….

I don’t find her though…dreams of her have come to me once or twice…but when I search…I find hospital beds………empty…….

tired…..wracking…..

Yep, the man blog….what a joy…..what stage of grief are we at today kids?  Hmmmmm?

Anyway…today will be better….today will be the start of better days……….

I’m TIRED!!!!!!

Fat….

The impossible task of losing weight this week I’ll blame on all the crap you read above….tired.

When I’m tired I eat….fueling my body and mind constantly to keep ticking….

What did I eat yesterday?   Chili, bagel, a steak, 2 cups of raw veg, 2 pogos, a handful of chocolates, and after 9 pm with Beagle as my witness I ate a slice of pizza and 6….no 7 egg rolls….

Plus, 2 ounces of scotch.

What do I weigh in at?  Well yesterday I was 215 pounds so today I should be what?  220 maybe?Victor Wheeler

How about 215 pounds…ya, makes no sense to me either…

This folks is the miracle of stress on the human body.  I ate 10 thousand calories yesterday and my weight did not change…that was the number of calories I needed just to get through it…lol…it amazes me….

Well, we fly in 9 days and I’m somehow going to get myself under 210…so I have to lose at least 6 more pounds…looking at my photo I better hit the situps….

I can’t very well ask the boys for a weigh in right now, in the 4 am range…so I’ll go with yesterdays report.

Our favorite senior is down to 167.8, 2.8 pounds away from his target.  He is craving poutine…

I think a man of his years should watch his intake of cheese and gravy, maybe a few dates with that?  Anyway, I’m sure today is going to see him down half a pound, he just has to lose that every day and he will be under….

Parker…his last update was 244 pounds, that’s just 5 pounds away from his goal with 9 days to go!

Beagle proclaimed last night that he is still on vacation until after family day….does that mean he plans to continue his diet even now…after the beach?  We shall see….

Me…can I possibly punish myself these last days to get under 210?  I have plans for lunch today….a salad maybe….after that…10,000 calories….

I want to lose the weight….some day soon I start the anarchy workout…just waiting on the mailman….

The Quote of The Day

I am a generous man, by nature, and far more trusting than I should be. Indeed. The real world is risky territory for people with generosity of spirit. Beware.
Hunter S. Thompson

A high school kid was kind enough to plow into the back of my pickup at the school this week.  Her father called me and I told him I wouldn’t worry about my scratched and dented bumper but I would like a new tail light lens….he thanked me….now I wonder if maybe a guy who sends his 16 year old to high school driving an Acura is better equipped to pay for my bumper than I am….very likely….but generosity of spirit right Hunter…..

Anyway…I told him to take it easy on the kid….let’s hope my bumper bought her some relief….

I thank the boys, keeping me going, I don’t deserve to be surrounded by such a great group of friends….my neighbors…and Sarah…and who ever dropped off muffins yesterday, I can’t make out the name on the card…they aren’t exactly as Ev would have done them, yes they have no processed ingredients and are sugar free, but my darling might have burnt them just a bit….she was learning…

Babe….I’d give the world for you to make me a burnt muffin right now…..

wracking……

How does thinking about how bad someone was at baking make a person cry…….come on…..

I love your FACE!Z  k,

…………

if you slam your fist down onto a keyboard you get a Z k, this morning….ya stage of grief…Denial… check, Anger….yes, Bargaining…you bet, Depression….of course, and last but not least, Acceptance…here…  Okay, so that’s every day, all five….you think I need a therapist to walk me through this and burn my money…no…that’s what all of you are here for….well not the burning money part…..

Wait…wait….Herzog….you have a great day…

Oh ya…the poet…I appreciate it….another moment of reflection….another tear…you have a great day too…..

cold….

I hope you all have a great day!

out…..

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Agonizing….

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Agonizing…

I’m not sure I want to do this today…I don’t want this to kick off another morning like yesterdays….deep in quicksand…

Short man blog, today I hope not to cry….I know I will….but I hope to have a tear pass me by without wracking…

Running some errands yesterday I was struck with a deep feeling of sadness….the quicksand had me…and as I drove down Riverside towards my destination, I was overcome with anger, wanting to scream……wanting to destroy something….myself…

I’m drained….

I’ve had one half decent nights sleep in 2 months, maybe 3….tired…..too tired to think….

poker tonight will be impossible…must rest…I’m begging for a snow day so I can sneak in a nap…Victor Wheeler and Evelyn Wheeler hug it out

I just want to go upstairs and get in bed with Ev and never leave………..

Today will NOT be the first day I do not cry……..

I HATE IT!!!!!

No quote, no weigh in….tomorrow will be better…

I hope you have a great day!

Babe………….babe………I love you……

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Define crazy….

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Define Crazy….

I’m sure there are a lot of times that I don’t seem sane as you read the man blog….and sometimes I don’t seem sane when I look in the mirror…when I start talking to the corners…conversing with Ev….

How much do I talk to my wife…..

Every day….yes…

Every hour….ya………..

So far an hour has not passed that I don’t actually talk with my wife…oh that’s right…she isn’t here……….but I still go on and on, luckily most of the time I have these quiet conversations in my mind…

But not always….and when I start yelling at the corners….well then I wonder just how sane I am…yesterday I argued with the corners, questioning Ev as to why she wouldn’t eat more….you can’t beat this without feeding yourself massive amounts of food….eat eat eat…….

Today will not be the first day I do not cry……..

Sadly my wife lost her fight…and you know what, she was likely going to at some point…whether taken quickly as she was, or slow and painful breaking her heart….I could fight my tears for her, pretend to be strong…but the kids would not have been able to and that would have made her so unhappy…she was too strong to have to watch slowly fade…………..wracking……..

So ya…I yell at corners….but I just want more time….I scream for one more day….

The day of Charlotte Wheeler's birth

One more Day!!!!!!!!!

This photo of my beauty is of the day of Charlotte’s birth….my poor babies………you know what made Ev super happy, wonderfully proud….her girls…

So strong and so smart….she could see her strength in her girls, and little Charlotte doing her burpies and her down dogs…when Ev found out she had cancer, in the hospital when she was wracking out speechless…she moaned Charlotte…knowing that Charlotte was too young for her to leave………..

I Hate it……..

I almost made it the entire day yesterday, after the man blog….but when Syd came in to show me an old video of her playing the guitar, Ev’s voice clear with pride in the background….it was over, and an evening wrack session was on me…

As luck would have it a buddy sent me an invite to watch the game at that moment, which I took him up on….ya…a few moments distraction…..

Lover….I will take good care of our babies….I promise…

Weighing in After Bulking Up

Did I crush a pound of chicken wings, a chocolate bar, a dozen chocolate covered almonds, a bowl of chips and half a cinnabun after 9 pm last night….

um…..ya.

So the boys have been posting a few glamour shots from their vacations…

There is Paul…sending his photos from the Dominican…I commented on his facebook that you know…I am thinner than he is…

I am….

Then there is Beagle…looking thinner…for suresean russett

I mean, yes I had great plans for this photo…I really did…and maybe tomorrow we will move forward with those plans but for now…

Meh…Beagle lost a bunch of weight…enough not to embarrass himself too badly at the beach…

Will I be able to do the same?  We shall see…I’m not sure pounds of chicken wings are going to get me under 210 in the next 12 days but…

Whatever…I hate to punish myself too much…

Like my buddy Andy Trafford, burning through a pair of supportive shoes and compression stalkings a week….trudging through Carlingwood to the swinging beats of Duke Ellington and his orchestra…

 

Skinny Trafford hits the scale this morning down .2 of a pound to 168.4, it’s lost weight….

 

Nothing from Parker…maybe he has faded away to nothingness…but I have my doubts.

 

I was up this morning at an even 215 pounds, but a pound of chicken wings after dark pretty much guarantees there is no way you are going to see a down tick on the scale.

Look at Beagle…some Mexican man just walked away with his burrito and Beagle wants to be sure he can identify him in a yet to develop police line-up…

Today I will crush some weight…I think…it is early…

The Quote of The Day

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Orson Welles

Not all quotes need to be mystic….this one does apply to me and many of my cohorts…

May we all share the joy of our lives…help each other through the tough times….and boys….let’s raise a glass to my wife………

let’s wrack out Vic….

Babe…I love your face…

Today I thank my family, My Mother and Sister for helping me out, My Mother-inlaw and my new Sisters…I thank my daughter Sydney, she is not only smart and beautiful…she cleaned the house last night…amazing…and my other babies, Avery, Charlotte and Rhiannon…for putting laughter into my life every day.

I love you all.

Not too bad out…and no snow…imagine that….

Have a GREAT day!

 

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Quicksand Days….

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Quicksand…

I’m not sure what makes a quicksand day, one which seems so bad…with no escape…

I don’t know why they begin or what makes them end…but luckily they do…

Yesterday was a quicksand day…do I realize it’s on as soon as I wake up in the morning…no…Quicksand days just creep up on you…they can start at any time, I’ve had quicksand days start at 8 pm, watching the hockey game with neighbors…

What is it…well, most times when the sadness of Ev being gone hits me I can either contain my anguish or shed a few tears, but the feeling will subside….on Quicksand days anguish that is contained builds very quickly, like water in a boiling pot, and once it overflows it is impossible to containing…the pain does not lessen with the tears…

That was yesterday morning, I poured for 4 or 5 hours before I found my way on to solid ground again…and how that happens….I don’t know…

…I take a break to help Charlotte, who afterwards powers up the stairs amazing me of how big she is getting…she is an active force like Avery…with the power of her mother…Wow….

…….Today will not be the first day I do not cry…………

Today will not be a quicksand day yet though, I doubt it will be at all…I simply poured too much emotion out yesterday, it sort of leaves me drained…feeling like today will be a normal day…

I can tell you this…before Ev passed, when I had to take a drive to pour tears…I welcomed quicksand when I only had 30 minutes to get myself in line…and some days I await that level of mourning…and some days I despise its arrival….

I will always miss Ev…She is with me forever in my heart and in the heart of our children…

Victor and Ev love

Wow, what a looker! You see that happiness, how about from this angle….Victor Wheeler and Ev loveThat my friends is where I want to be….

2 weeks from now I’m going to be sitting in a resort, the kids will be there, but my love will be missing….

I’m going to put on that shirt and raise a glass……..

And I am going to sink so deep into the quicksand…………………..

wracking….

But I won’t let it take me, it isn’t an option……..

Tears are not suppose to run from a human being this often….it can’t be right…….

To close out this part of the man blog today I’ll end with this…

Ev and I always watched our shows together, and as I realized the walking dead was available again I moaned….Ev will miss it…I sat down and started watching by myself when Charlotte came into the room and asked what I was watching…I told her the zombie show…….

Charlotte says,”Mommy is beside you watching it.”  I said why do you say that Charlotte, why is mommy beside me to which she responds “because she loves you so much.”

….fuck my life…………………………………

Ya, I do use the occasional off word here….and that is exactly how it is….we will all have to live with that….

you judge…go right fucking ahead…..I’m the one sitting here typing through tear filled eyes….hands shakily searching for the keys……

wracking……………………………….

Skinny Fat comes to town

The weight roller coaster is here, all rides are 5 for a buck…

213 pounds even this morning, a miracle really…I ate half a bag of bits and bites before bed….

Still 2 pounds away from my lowest low….weight wise anyway….

Andy Trafford
Andy is getting impossibly light…when I read his weigh in this morning I took a double take…168.6 pounds…

Hell I think Andy’s goal is 165, under 4 pounds away…

Maybe I should be drinking PGX shakes also…but then again, there are bits and bites….

Trafford hasn’t just been shaking his drinking cup, he is out there shaking his thing at the Carlingwood mall, and while interval training is commonly considered a sweaty activity, at Carlingwood they do their tabatas with a bit less….oumph….

Look at him, he doesn’t even require the pillar to help his balance…he will be moving up to the advanced group soon…

Parker sent me an update late yesterday, 245.4 pounds.  17 pounds in 17 days!!!!

That is amazing…

Parker really only wants to see 239….Parker, if I were you I would aim lower…and aim to stay there….

But…to each their own…hell my goal is to not pour tears in front of strangers and I’m hopeless at that….so who am I to offer up an opinion.

Beagle is at the breakfast buffet at this very moment….beer in one hand, a 12 stack of waffles in the other….

The Quote of The Day

Laughter, and the broader category of humor, are key elements in helping us go on with our life after a loss.
Allen Klein

Well…I haven’t lost my sense of humor…or many would say lack there of…   🙂

I do enjoy my life…it is good…and I find plenty of laughter in every single day…and chocolates….I might have left a few bon bons out of the weigh in portion of the man blog today…

Sarah, thanks for helping out, Dan, Moe, Megan, Kevin, the Kennedy’s…I live on a great street…To all my friends old and new…you make me the luckiest man in the world.

Warmer…of course it’s snowing…

I love you…

Babe…I love your face!

I hope you have a great day!

 

 

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Guilt…

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The Guilty Widower…

So…it’s not enough that a man such as myself cries morning, noon and night…

But on top of tears…tight skin around the eyes from so much salt left behind…

There is guilt.I feel guilty because I feel better.  I am getting better….I cry less, I moan less…I look forward to tomorrows…

How that is fair to myself I don’t know…

I was reading some comments yesterday, here, some I receive on facebook, going through emails…and I wonder what Ev would want me to do…but we all know the answer to that.  She wants me to be happy, to have a wonderful life, and share that happiness with the kids….

Today will not be the first day I do not cry……………..

It’s 3:40 am….ya….I do not sleep….not nearly enough anyway…why should I, she is hardly ever there….which I hate so much….she should be with me in my dreams…but she seldom is, and when she is…we just cry…..

I cried at bedtime last night, reading my book….Charlotte tells me she misses Mommy, I tell her I do too and we both tell Mommy we love her….a bedtime ritual….

Is there a time when I won’t cry anymore…yes…and I am ready….

Did my groceries in Barrhaven yesterday, less chance of running into people I know…pulling tears…I did not make the entire trip without seeing one of Ev’s friends…and we had a moment, in the bitter wind, while I fought my emotions…

After as I push my groceries off to my truck I just want it to stop…

The love of my life is gone…I will not be seeing her today……………

That hurts too much….

But I am here.  I have to make the most of this life…I have to be happy…I need to be loved…I need to love myself….

Evelyn Wheeler at the cottage, man blog

I just wish she would tell me….I wish she had left me a note…a letter of instructions….

I’m doing the right things….I’m taking care of our babies…I’m being a great father…

I miss you so much babe….

While I was at the grocery store yesterday, a young boy asked me my name….Victor I told him and I asked him his….Liam he said….I told him Liam was a great name…How old are you Liam…I’m 4 he said how old are you…I said 43….Wow….Liam’s face lit up….

I am a good man….I want a good life….

I hate this life right now….and I should not feel guilty that I want it to be better….I shouldn’t feel pain for wanting to feel better……

Fat at the Weigh In

I hit the scale this morning at 217 pounds, I had seen 219 this weekend, after the birthday part of Trafford’s daughter which left me in front of a huge plate of left over Indian food at 3 am….

So I have 13 days until we fly out…and I’m going to try to lose 13 pounds….this will not be easy…the last time I saw 204…I was doing serious running every day….

But I’m doing it.  I will not have any carbs starting today, I will more or less be pulling a sugar detox for the next 13 days…I hate the sugar detox….

I’d love to get you an update on the boys but there is no way they have opened an eye this early today…I will have everyone’s weight tomorrow.

I do have this for you though.Beagle tsunami at the man blog

They will not allow Beagle at the beach this year, the government of Mexico have carefully constructed a Tsumani containment unit.

This unit is now the only place Beagle can safely perform jumps or dives into the water….

Beagle had promised that if he went down to the beach he would enter very slowly…

“But Senior, what if you were to trip”, was the raised concern of the High Consul of Mexico…

Further, “The world could be destroyed”

Well, we can all sleep well tonight knowing that the officials in Mexico are protecting not just themselves…but neighboring countries…one belly flop and low laying Orlando just 2500 miles away could be wiped out….

I hope you’re having a good time Beagle….

The Quote of The Day

I should say, one of the things about being a widow or a widower, you really, really need a sense of humor, because everything’s going to fall apart.
Joyce Carol Oates

What I think as I brewed myself another coffee this morning….I’m doing what she would want…I’m trying to be happy and sparing no expense…

I am taking care of our babies…which is not easy…becoming a single father of 4 girls, unexpectedly, is like being in a fight with a lion and the gate opens up to allow a tiger into the room.

Things may seem peaceful now…in the wee hours, but very soon….the battle of the brushes will begin and that is not a war you want to oversee solo.

Lover…I’ll get it done.  I love you.

So…why not a couple more tears…there…perfect….I hate this….

Thanks to everyone…thanks to those of you that understand how I feel, and thanks to those that don’t…let’s be honest…I have no idea how to play this hand of cards….

I can tell you this…I’d like to place my cards on the table and…..vanish….a puff of smoke……………..

The weather…should we even think about the weather…no…

Love you all, I hope you have a great day.

Cheers

…You know….you write a blog post…you give it some keywords….guilt death pain….who would want to do this?  You want this life?  You want to feel this way?

wracking……………..

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