I have arrived…

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The Radio Speaks…

Yes folks, I have arrived…

This morning I slept in, no big deal as the teenagers are hard at their processes and habits, they are getting ready.  I’m only 10 minutes late for the babies and they are up and at it in no time…

Now, I should be talking about today’s business tomorrow…but better we start with a clean slate then…today…as I said…I’ve arrived.

2 teenage girls fighting with each other, no clean clothes as everything that I washed on Friday now resides on the bedroom floor, remarks about how things aren’t good enough, I’m too hard on them…they are out the door and I’ll have to clean up the house which is a disaster!  And I pretty much live in one room………

Depressing…you bet…

Dropped the little ones off at the door to school a wee bit late and the radio sings me a song…

The Clash: Straight to Hell.

How does my life become this?  Straight to Hell…is that what I get if I fall off the cliff…or have I already arrived?

Let me stop thinking…let me finish this blog and get sheets to the shop and the house cleaned up….

Yesterday I poured tears while talking to my mother, discussing my future…I want to be happy…I cry because I don’t know when I should do that…I may very well start now…I need to start my life.  I need an adult relationship…I think I may try to date…

I know that seems impossible, and I don’t want a relationship, but I want someone to talk to…to share with…

When I write it down it looks like I need a psychologist….anyway…

I’m alone, and my wife isn’t coming back.  We haven’t had a breakup that one of us can somehow repair…and I have to live on for at least 20 years to get Charlotte a good foot into life…even that…to have no parents at 24…makes me so sad…

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry…

I can’t live those years alone…I won’t…I don’t want to…

Prepare yourself for this next photo kids…I can’t take it…

The beautiful Evelyn Wheeler

I love your face….I LOVE YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wracking out….this from our honeymoon…I miss you so much babe……

Let’s review…I’ve had the perfect woman, the one I searched for over 30 years of my life.  Land this goddess, live every moment with her for 7 years…and lose her in 6 weeks after the shock of my life.

I can’t tell you how hard I fought those 6 weeks…I wanted to get 20 more years with her so badly.

I’m in a terrible place the past few days…fighting myself.  Caught between what I can’t have and what comes after…

I make notes throughout the day, things I don’t want to forget…here are a few from camping…my raw notes.

01.17 9:04 pm   -looking forward to big trees and walking with Ev

01.18 6:15 am   -mommy loved the strawberry patch….loved to pick berries

01.18 1:09 pm   -no escape today…thinking about you lots…thinking about life after too plus regrets and what if…but I think in     the end this was the result

01.18  2:52 pm   -hiking crying about how proud I am of Sydney

01.18  6:19 pm    -sitting with guys and I want to text Ev…still not 100% sure she is gone

01.18 8:38 pm     -tunes on way back form bar-sad but life need fun Ev would want it?

took a picture of a song on radio–>Erasure- A Little Respect

01.19 8:28 am    -crying after camp shower why? miss her in here…thinking about beach without her

01.19 8:30 am     -thinking about Todd  the future   making her proud while moving on

01.19  9:31 am     -home bodies…comfort at home comfort of each other

01.19  2:06 pm     – tears on trail.  Beautiful nature big trees.  Ev…so beautiful missing

01.19  8:04 pm    – I see my own leg in lulu sport pants and think it’s Ev…a flash in my mind

01.19   8:06 pm     -wish to see her tomorrow when I get home

01.19   8:22 pm    -not enough left. sitting in yurt alone.   missing her….want to go home

01.20   5:12 am    – coconut timbits  🙁

That’s it…welcome to my mind…

wracking out…

Scroll up, take a good long look at what I’ve lost.  I can’t even see the letters on the keys right now…

IT ISN’T FAIR!!!!

The weigh in today is short and sweet, I have cleaning to do.

Me 220.4   FAT

Parker   unknown, his diet starts Friday…over 260 for sure

Beagle is down to 195.2 pounds  He has lost 10.2 pounds

This morning I’ve lost  point 2 pounds worth of tears…..

The Quote of The Day:

Soul mates. It’s extremely rare but it exists. Sort of like twin souls tuning into each other. Apparently even in death.
-From the movie What Dreams may Come.

Until now only 2 people might know this…but for 2 years I also had diarrhea every day…I always told Ev it was because we ate so much fiber…I mean we eat cups and cups of veg every day…

But the day she died…I’ve had solid poops since then…

How does that affect a person…what does that make me think…why does that happen…

I said to my mom yesterday that somehow Ev and I were one person….

Where do I go from here…well I’m trying to keep the train on the track…but the track isn’t always headed in the right direction…

I’m wracking out…but I will be fine…I’m okay……………………..

….after reading over this blog….I’m okay is nothing short of a joke…but I will be…I’m just so torn right now…lost…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. Anonymous
    Jan 21, 2015
    So very sorry for your loss. Some will never find a true love and in your case you did. It is better to have loved and lost to never have loved. May God be with you during this very trying time. Love & Hugs
    Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Jan 21, 2015
    I don't know why this is important, but I am listening to Always by Erasure while I read your blog. I know you feel lonely but it can't last forever Vic.
    Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Jan 21, 2015
    I'm so sorry for your loss but it will get better some day soon praying for you to be strong through this tuff time keep strong for the kid and Eve to she does not want to see u sad so look up to the sky and Smile big and tell her u miss her she will answer you I'm sure take care hugs xxoo
    Reply
  4. Anonymous
    Jan 21, 2015
    I feel awful for the pain you are feeling - I cannot imagine how hard everyday is for you. Youa re going through such tremendous grief and struggling to care for yourself and your children. Get some help. Seriously. This is too big to handle on your own. Go and talk to someone. Find a way to sleep through the night. You are here for a reason - you will see why, in time.
    Reply
  5. Anonymous
    Jan 22, 2015
    I'm sorry for your loss as well. I just lost my partner of 14 years 3 weeks ago; since then I feel like I've been in a bit of a fog. I still cry most days but i hope that in time I will miss him less and not be as emotional.
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Jan 22, 2015
      I'm sorry, I hope you are okay. Feel free to touch base anytime Tomorrow is a new day...A better day...and a better man blog. Sadly I have no idea about the days after that...
      Reply
  6. Anonymous
    Jan 22, 2015
    Thank you Vic. It's been tough since John passed suddenly (he had ALS but passed quicker than anyone - including him - thought). I've had a lot of support from friends, family and co-workers, but I don't know anyone who has lost a spouse. It's been hard but I hope it gets better. For you as well; I knew Evelyn slightly from SGDHS (she was three years older than me) and I got a photo of her years later when she was downtown in Prescott at a sidewalk sale ( I worked for the paper in town for a few years)
    Reply
    • Victor Wheeler
      Jan 23, 2015
      Sadly, my greatest pain comes from how quickly Ev passed, I had a 5 year battle all planned which would result in medical advances giving me another 5 years....I'm so sorry....I hope you are doing okay.
      Reply