Close to the edge…

Download PDF

The Risk of Nearing the Edge…

I spent 2 days camping in Algonquin park with the Golden Boys, otherwise known as the soccer guys.  Let me start by saying I weighed in this morning at 223.6, a huge gain.   More on that later…

At Yurting this year was a new guy, also a widower, he lost his wife 13 years ago to a brain tumor.  Also with 4 children the youngest being 5 weeks at the time…I feel for Steve, he was in even deeper than I…I can only assume he had the same great love for his wife that I have for Ev.  Steve is now remarried and seems to be held together pretty good.  I had wanted to talk with him more but day one I wasn’t comfortable in my skin and on day 2 I ran out of time…

I suppose I just wanted to know when…when I would feel better…when I would continue my life…when I would realize Ev wasn’t going to be home…

You see folks, that’s the rub…My mind is telling me there is a chance that Ev will be home when I get home from camping….and I KNOW that isn’t the case.  Not unlike cleaning the other day I had moved Ev’s purse on to the kitchen counter, forgotten it there, left the house, came back home, saw it…..and thought…good…Ev’s home.

Well…As I said to Paul on the way home from camping…I wish the gig was up, away with the smoke and mirrors….let me wrack it out…I wish myself to protect me no more…play no more games…

But it won’t happen…as I left the shower minutes ago I looked at the bed…maybe Ev would be there under the covers…

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry….and it wasn’t yesterday or the day before that…Even in places Ev has never been…On hikes through big trees where the beauty of nature should over take all….I compare the amazement of long standing trees as big around as a fiat to the beauty of Evelyn and all of the world falls short…Lucky I led the journey which enabled me to hide my tears from the guys…no more as the truth has now been told…

beauty and grief on man blog

I have told Ev I loved her 100 times this weekend…in my mind and out loud.  I touch the biggest trees I could find to feel their power and in that hope to feel some of Ev…Yes…I’m a mess, as I sit here typing away do you think I don’t know it?  And I have to battle what life was and what it will become…

How do I live on…

That is where I am at right now…I’m questioning my tomorrows.  I live my life right now as if Ev is here, I wear a wedding ring, I want to send her text messages to check in while I’m camping with the boys, and I pick up her favorite tim bits, coconut…when I see them at timmies and they aren’t there often, a special treat…a sign, not this time…

But this weekend when I pulled out my phone to text Ev I didn’t do it, and moments later when the guys asked me how I was doing I told them…Well guys…I just about sent Ev a text a moment ago…and some day I won’t eat Ev’s favorite Tim Bits after I’ve made the purchase…and some day…I won’t wear my wedding ring.  I think I will always wear hers…but not mine.

I know I’ll never get married again.  I’ll never get divorced.  I think I get to stay married as long as I want and I don’t see any reason to ever change that…but my wife isn’t going to be in my bed waiting for me……..

You know…I’m not a big fan of tears anymore…I have way too many…and even more I find I am holding.

I held a lot of tears while driving to and from camping, conversations with Paul often bringing me to the verge of tears…but I held them off…and I held them off this morning at Tim Hortons after I told Paul that I was buying these tim bits for Ev…because only when it comes out of your mouth do you realize how mistaken you are….

edge man blog
The Pain I feel these days isn’t a constant…it does come and go.  I had so many good hard laughs while camping with the guys, I truly enjoyed myself…

And that is something I know Ev wants for me…exactly what I wanted for her…a good life full of happiness…

There are cracks though…and I do find myself testing how close I can get to the edge of the cliffs…not to risk anything…just to see how solid my hold on happiness is…

Some things I shouldn’t write…and that is one of them…but I am fine…I really am…

maybe some crying of course…

 

Okay…

Man Weight

As I said earlier, I’m at 223.6 pounds, I think that is somewhere near 6 pounds gained this weekend.

I ate…and I mean yesterday morning I had the hungrymans breakfast with sausage PLUS the french toast with sausage and crushed it all.

The day before much the same…plus 2 full dinners at the mad musher while watching football.  After that chips…bon bons…you name it.

Today I will likely take it easy, trying to recover from the Yurting Footie championships which finds me aching from head to toe.

Parker…I’m sure he is up 10 pounds and will have his weigh in tomorrow…along with Beagles which I expect to be in the 180’s

Anyway…it’s on.  I’m under 210 by February 22.

The Quote of the Day:

The Edge… there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.

Hunter S. Thompson

Well, there is good old Hunter at it again, may he rest in peace…

Cold..too cold…

Cheers

 

  1. Anonymous
    Jan 20, 2015
    Thank you for sharing your honest feelings and your deep love for Ev. Keep having those fun times with the guys.
    Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Jan 26, 2015
    Thanks for sharing. I'm a widow whose husband passed away 6 years ago. Reading your posts brings me back to my own grief during those difficult early days. I want you to know that it does get better as hard as they may seem to believe right now.
    Reply