Roller coastering…

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Life is up down and all around….

My darling Ev sure did like a good roller coaster, not me so much…the old back and all…

Our first summer together we all spent the day at Le Ronde and it stuck as a tradition…although I do believe she missed one year when Charlotte was just born.

All those trips, all those rides, usually Ev would ride with the kids while I waited…and when Charlotte got older I would take her to kiddie land while Ev enjoyed her day with the big girls…

ev rollercoatser

Oh my love….I’m so sorry….I love your face.

Today will not be the first day I do not cry…

It’s super hard to do this, this grieving…because just when I think I’ve got myself under control…I realize I control nothing…

All those rides…

Yesterday morning weighed heavily on me, trying to organize the ladies to get to school…finally at 8:30 having all but Syd gone with her upstairs sick…a moment to breath.

Single mothers everywhere point and laugh…I whine about how busy life has gotten, trying to pack up 4 young ladies in the morning…coping with their after school arguments…it isn’t easy. ¬†And it’s going to be hard for a long time…Charlotte is just 4 years old, Ave with be 11, Syd will turn 14 and Rhi 15 this year…Soon I’ll be dealing with big girl problems…and I’m not talking about trips to the drug store for tampons…I’ll be dealing with boyfriends, drinking and tracking down girls out past curfew.

I’ll take this moment to add for all the single father’s out there…that don’t have their kids 100% of the time…I’m still waiting on a permission letter to take these kids away for a week….I am trying to be kind here…but just maybe we should appreciate that it’s a lot of work to raise kids and I shouldn’t have to get a permission slip to take them on vacation…as I said yesterday as a joke…if I was at the airport alone they should make me promise to come back…who in their right mind would steal away with 4 kids…geez…

Just a short rant…and nothing super negative….

Those things…are easier done with someone there to support you…but really, It would be nice just to have one single kiss and a good morning at 8:30 after packing off the kids…taking a deep breath and getting ready to get on with the day.

I haven’t been getting much sleep this week, always up around 4, hacking cough waking me several times a night…it isn’t easy to keep my thoughts in order…

I went over for a chat at the Milne’s yesterday, a friend trying to help me out, offer his company…I found myself trying to fight my tears…I just didn’t want to do it…there is peace is being lonely, you can zombie out and be inexpressive…there is no one to show your grief to…you can hide it…like Ev wanted to hide her cancer at first…if no one sees it you can make yourself believe it isn’t happening.

Not long after I tried the same gig with Parker on the phone…I simply didn’t want to do it…and I feel it again right now…not wanting to wrack out…

I’m banking tears…and today, tomorrow or the weekend…they are going to cash out…and I’m going to wish I had let it rain pain…

One bit of shinning light yesterday was that Parker reminded me how much of Ev lives on in the girls…he sees Ev’s light in Charlotte and reminded me to enjoy all my moments with her…live in that space…

Sometimes the Ogres are full of goodness….

The roller coaster of emotions offered me so much joy yesterday… while brushing Charlotte’s teeth, how it makes her laugh so big…and agony dealing with arguing children…missing my love…Crying in the school parking lot while dropping off the kids….

Yep…I’ve been doing some crying for sure…..The kids are all bits of Ev and in them I see traits….bits of personality…a smile…the way they hold themselves when they watch tv…little things…I love the little buggers!

Man Weight

Riddle me this…how can I weigh in at 219 pounds yesterday…eat breakfast, lunch and dinner…then have 6 egg rolls, handfulls of peanuts with m&m’s, Doritos, some fruit, and then a sandwich…and this last bit all after 9 pm…and wake up down 3 pounds…

This morning I weighed in at 216.6 pounds.

Kevin Parker, Sean Russett and Victor Wheeler

No weigh in from Parker…BUT…Parker played poker with us last night and while Beagle and I crammed eggrolls into our faces Parker had none.

Now…he has a friend visiting from England this week starting today…we shall see how that goes for him as I expect he will be enjoying a beer most nights….

Beagle did have eggrolls, I expect he will have gained a pound or 2 last night, he did offer a weigh in yesterday of 194.8…I think that is 10 pounds in 12 days…not bad at all.

Some of you get as much out of the battle of the bulge as you do the grieving, and if you are here for that portion of the man blog…good for you, we could all be healthier people…for our.selves and our families and friends.

Today I will thank that tear sucker Trevor Milne…hopefully we can get out on the slopes for a run or 2 today, Kevin Parker…I can honestly say I would have never thought I’d be getting support from this guy…The Russett’s and both Mandy and Beagle are better to me than anyone should be…and to the rest of my friends…acquaintances and to all the strangers you have contacted me and become a part of my life…

Without all of your support my days would be darker…your energy is fantastic…thank you.

The Quote of The Day:

Giving up is conceding that things will never get better, and that is just not true. Ups and downs are a constant in life, and I’ve been belted into that roller coaster a thousand times.
Aimee Mullins

And folks…you’re the belt…without you I might not be able to hold on…

Cold…Just looked at the forecast and it shows very cold until this afternoon…maybe I ski another day…

Babe….I love your face….I’m trying….

Cheers

 

 

  1. Anonymous
    Jan 15, 2015
    You are such an inspiration to others going through their own phases of grief....it's not easy, but you are doing an incredible job for your girls and Ev is smiling all around and within you and your girls. xo
    Reply
  2. Anonymous
    Jan 16, 2015
    It's really impressive that you are keeping it all going. Even functioning at all so soon after such a hit to the system is amazing. I was out for a month. Know that you are doing really well. Soon after my loss a monthly meditation group kinda came to me. It's just across the bridge. I gave it a shot (a bit reluctantly I admit) and boy did it help me. If there is ever a time you may be into giving it a whirl let me know. SVA - a stranger and a friend in the hood.
    Reply
  3. Anonymous
    Jan 16, 2015
    I went through a huge anti-social phase . Just didn't have the energy to talk to anyone. Only found it tolerable to be around with those why "got" grief. This all passed eventually...but it was good to do if.
    Reply