There could be less pain…

Download PDF

Pain at the Man Blog

Honestly…this sucks…

I woke up yesterday, dejected…a whirlwind of emotion…Again, there may be 5 stages of grief, but must I experience all of them every 2 hours…

The first day of a new year, new beginnings right….no way, give me a break.

But, in an attempt to move ahead with life I thought I’d deal with the cupboard above the fridge…and the top of the fridge…the space for shoving paper and receipts…

Much of the stuff up here is either cook book related, or supplements from Ev’s weight lifting comp days.  My goodness she was stronger than a bull back then.  We did have a few arguments about her lifting, and more recently about her unwillingness to consume the calories to beat cancer when she would eat an entire cow to put on a pound of muscle in the past.

You get trapped in regret…anger…you find yourself wishing you had done something different, she had done something different.

It’s super painful, because you go through periods of hating yourself, of being mad at her…then you realize it’s ridiculous because you know she didn’t want this…and then you are in pain again for being mad…

I had a terrible morning…terrible…

But you know what, I decided to go for a run…I get on my gear and go out to the driveway for a bit of a stretch…more tears…black ice in the driveway folks, tear ice…

Off I go, running, something that Ev and I did plenty of the last few months as she trained for the NY marathon.  I talked to her the entire time…inside my head and out loud…thanking her for being with me, for giving me strength to go on every day, for getting me out on the pavement so I could have time…..time to do what….love her again…feel her running with me…

I’m a loon…that’s it…but that is it…I’m out there running and having a discussion with Ev…I mean, what else would I be doing?

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry…

Home from my run, a quick sauna, finish book one on grief…it was helpful to a point but I rather just have the data…I can handle what I’m feeling without reading the example of how Jane and Bob felt when they emptied the cupboard above the fridge.

I am in touch with my feelings.  I understand that my mind is only giving me part of the information to deal with to prevent me from tying knots…I understand why I still think I will see her at the door…I understand that is a mental reflex for survival…that every time my mind permits me to understand she won’t be back I’m going to wrack out tears…

And right now I’m angry writing that down…and I understand that…

After all of that yesterday…the kids and I decided to play a board game…first a trip to mac’s milk for treats.  Wee Charlotte picked chocolate covered acai, Mommies favorite she said…wracking tears!!!!!!!!!!

Quicksand right now….damn quicksand…

Anyway, we played some apples to apples and blockus, all the kids at the table with Charlotte on my lap…wherever Ev may be, she is happy, crying tears of joy for what we are doing in life…

Not happy…not right now…not one bit…

Victor Wheeler kisses Evelyn Kindervater-Wheeler

On to other things…

Man Fat things…there are no tears in man fat…most days.

It’s on, the new years man diet.

Me?  I’m at 217.6 pounds after a late dinner of half a meat pie, some bits and bites, chocolate…random junk…and down a pound…perfect.  I did run yesterday.

Parker, he weighed in at 266 pounds yesterday, a new personal best for him…he is either going to lose weight by tomorrow or is off to buy a new wardrobe.

sean russett elliptical
Beagle has started a new diet and workout plan.

He intends to lose 30 pounds in 30 days…and I’ve seen him do it before.  This morning he hit the elliptical for 30 minutes and burnt somewhere near 405 calories…

Today he will eat chicken and rice, he will be eating that every day…and no pop.  Beagle does like a nice cold pepsi…

But he is off the pop now, water and flavor crystals of some type.

Parker…you better get it together brother…You may have missed the tid bit I posted yesterday about one of my poker buddies having a heart attack this week…but I Was Not Kidding.

This is a guy that does a certain amount of physical labour too, he isn’t selling life insurance…sure he smokes cigarettes but he is in reasonable shape…somewhere between me and you on the fat index…

So…that is good…that takes the mind off of things for a few minutes…

The Quote of The Day:

The truth is you don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed.
Eminem

An Eminem quote…geez…eloquent…I’m not sure this guy has a high school diploma and his quotes are on the same page as those from the likes of Albert Einstein, Martin Luther and I kid not…Jesus Christ…and I could screen shot the page and post it here if anyone has doubts.

Eminem, Albert, Martin and Jesus walk into a bar……

Now that will stop the tears…for now anyway.

No snow today???  The long range forecast looked better last week when the daily highs in January were closer to minus 4 and minus 14…anyway, hopefully it goes back to the warmer highs…

Before I let you go here, I’ll give a line to Kevin Parker.  You can not have enough life insurance.  If you think you do have enough you are probably mistaken.  Take the time to give Kevin a call at 613-795-3562.  This would normally seem like a sales ploy, but honestly, take it from me…you need to have more life insurance…just in case…ottawalifeinsurance.ca

Cheers