Monthly archives January 2015

Chasing Demons…

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Chasing Demons…

Today was already not the first day I wouldn’t cry before I even started typing…

I hope it won’t be a bad day of tears…although I expect I will pour out quite a few over the weekend with Ev’s sister….

Or maybe not…my ability to detach myself emotionally is growing…I’m getting stronger at being weaker…pretending to be the man society thinks I should be maybe…

Charlotte made it through an entire canskate class yesterday evening…it may have taken her a bit to get going, but once she made the decision to do it…she made me proud…and she said she made Mommy proud too…

After school, while driving Charlotte home, she told me that Mommy was sitting beside me during the assembly at the gym…an interesting comment for sure…and of course I responded that Mommy is always with us hun, ya she said…she is with us right now and was sitting beside you in the gym.

I got lucky in the gym, I was able to grab a seat in the back corner without realizing that it was right next to the door that Charlotte would enter through, which ensured she would know I was there…and as it turns out Mommy too……..

Ev Wheeler,  Victor Wheeler, Charlotte Wheeler

 

You know what….is there a reason I have to feel soooo much hurt….do I have to cry here right now…at the gym hiding from the other parents…at the arena having a normal conversation…

I’ve done this…I’m been hurt enough…

And tiny Charlotte…she will forget what I never will…and that hurts too much…I hate it!  I wanted more time……..

I’ve paid the price…and still I chase my demons…I look to fix these things…hmmm…maybe the cost is too high…

rambling………geez……

Yesterday I made an attempt to clean up some spaces in our bedroom…I made it maybe 12 minutes…moving clothes, organizing…smelling….searching for memories….it was terrible….TERRIBLE…..so, next week I try again…

I have one bit of clothes…one piece…but how long will the smell last…how can I save it….a pillow isn’t an option, it will be erased….it needs a glass box….but every time I take from it a little bit more will be gone….

Right now that piece of clothing just sits up there….evaporating into thin air….

It isn’t fair!  Here….anyone want to know how I’m doing these days….I’m terrible, fucking terrible…………..

Don’t worry, when I see you later I’ll be just fine….perfect…..

Yes…the phases of grief….where am I do you think…oh right…I’m in the tornado stage…what…you haven’t heard of that one…

Coconut Donuts and Man Weight

Well…While we talk about the weigh in…I have 23 days before we fly out…I still have lots of time to lose 10 pounds…but it won’t be this week.

This morning I weighed in at 217 point something pounds….and would expect no less as I had butter chicken at 9 pm last night…oh wait…and a coconut donut…and piles and piles of other crap.

I can’t deny a coconut donut, although this one was a coconut creme and Ev would have ripped off and eaten only the top…I ate the entire specimen.

Victor Wheeler man blogYes my days of losing weight due to stress do seem to be over, replaced by feeding my grief, and it all seems to happen in the 2 hours before I go to sleep…

Let’s be honest, this is exactly how I would be eating if Ev were sitting beside me……

Skinny Trafford is down to 171.5, another pound…maybe I better look into these shakes when I get back from Toronto…but do I really want to punish myself…

As Andy and his group of walkers make their way around Carlingwood mall today, in their super comfy shoes, I wonder if he will talk to them about the benefits of PGX shakes…I wonder if those are covered by Andy’s Pension…..

bahahaha…..

Parker right this moment…asleep….he went to the Sens game last night, and judging by the final score he may have indulged in a beer…but I have seen him have nothing but water for a week…..an update on that Monday…

Oh right…I’m on Pasta and White Bread all weekend….perfect…..

Beagle is up…193 pounds….He flies out in a week…185 Beagle…almost there…

Then Beagle’s diet ends and we can begin keeping track of his weight gain!  It’ll be even more fun…..

Hey…lots of people talk to me about their diets…or thinking of starting one anyway…you want to embarrass yourself…I need a head shot and a weigh in.  I may not track you down for daily weigh ins but I certainly will offer up a great photo of you…just a warning….you will end up looking worse than yours truly in Al Pacino’s suit….

The Quote of The Day

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

Buddha

Yes….we are trying aren’t we….

As I talk to people from my youth, touch base with friends from days long ago…it reminds me of where I came from.  The little kid, the lost teenager, and the young man…finally big enough to hide inside himself…

For better or worse it’s nice to be reminded of old days….of sunny road trips and demons…

Babe….I love your face…I miss you too much…..

Snow…and a drive to Toronto once the kids get up…

You out there…I love you…I hope you all have a great day…Smile  XO

wracking….I hate this………….

 

 

 

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Breathe…

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Breathe

There are some mornings, after finishing the man blog, when I can just breathe…when I’m done pouring tears for a bit and I can unwind, relax, take in a moment without grief…

It’s has been a while since I was able to breathe…today I think, a moment….

I did get the passport documents and permissions slip yesterday, off to the passport office I went and I really didn’t have any issues.  I could not expedite the passports but I can still get them in 10 days, February 11, which leaves plenty of time for the trip.

When I went up to the counter…the entrance point where they make sure you have everything in order prior to sending you to wait with your number…at that point a supervisor had to get involved, simply because the rep hadn’t dealt with this before…but away we went.

Sydney was with me, it helped too as they wanted to know where the children were…I can’t be some random person asking for passports…even a step father has to be able to prove where the children reside…little Syd with her pink hair…

As we sat in the passport office talking about things…the people around us…mom…she watches me as I fight tears.  She knows I don’t want to cry in front of all these strangers…and she will let a conversation go if she sees I can’t handle it…she will simply allow it to trail off as I try to control a good wracking session….

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry….

Victor Wheeler and Evelyn Wheeler At Niagara

I have to tell you…reliving days here at the man blog certainly is cause for tears…I do hope in the end it helps.  I think sometimes if I didn’t write the blog I’d cry less….that’s a lie…I know I would cry less.

And I won’t be writing the blog this weekend, I’ll be in Toronto visiting with Ev’s sister…have no worries…her and I will likely pour tears…I’m sure I will…although I am planning on upping my attempts of control…

Now the the passport issue is over I think my stress levels will be down 10 notches which should help my ability to control…yes bury..my tears.

Today Charlotte is getting an award at her school, the teacher called me last night just before poker to tell me…I want to go very badly and if I can muster up a half decent disguise I may…to hide in the back of a elementary school gymnasium attempted to keep a good wrack out session at bay.

The week Ev died Charlotte was going to have a Christmas concert type thing at her school…it was supposed to be an on week for her Chemo and would have been on her worst day…the day the Chemo normally kept her in bed all day…….she was so sad she was going to miss that….we knew there was no way she could make it…or even risk being around that many potential sick people…The Chemo…..oh well…we had dreamed it would but us time…….damn it…..this last bit is a late edit…and another wrack out…

And I’ll go to the school today…to suffer my tears in public…to suffer hugs from strangers…………….wracking……

I love you babe….I love your fucking face!

Pulled Pork at the Weigh In

Wednesday night poker…never a good night for the man diet.

the boys get ready for a swim, man blog

You know what sucks…turning away from the man blog to take care of an image then returning to remember what your new life means….

Anyway…this is the weigh in…the only tears that should happen here are when we look at ourselves in the mirror.

Here in this photo, sadly, many of us are sporting the bodies we WISH we had.

No Joke!

Beagle seems so proud of himself, his belly button is above his weiner….

Sorry Beagle…if any of you are looking for a great deal on a Dodge, Jeep or Chrysler product…….are we hiding your identity here?

Okay, just in case…Beagle is not in any way involved in the management of sales at Capital Dodge…In NO Way!  I think….

Last night as I watched Parker drink his water, his shakes hidden away in his car, I crushed 3 pulled pork sandwiches on white buns…

I also had a pre poker dinner which mainly consisted of raw veg, 2 cups worth maybe…

So what…if you eat 3 pulled pork sandwiches between 8 and 9 pm…what happens?

Well the mysteries of man weight say you will lose a pound.  I weigh in this morning at 215.4 pounds.

How does that make any sense.

Skinny Trafford is at 172.5 pounds.  It’s a good thing mankini’s have shoulder straps or he would be tripping over his.  From what I understand the salesperson didn’t even want to let Trafford have the shakes…and for good reason…while the rest of us sport helium balloons to help get that last happy pound off the scale, old Trafford is wearing ankle weights on his daily fitness walks at the mall to prevent a gust from taking him away.

Last time he had to battle flying monkeys for a week…..

No update for Parker and Beagle at this time…sleeping in perhaps…I do believe I saw a Florida Track Suit in Beagles hand before I left last night…not a good start…oh wait…he and I split on a plate of Cheetos…it’s coming back to me now…

And I still lost a pound!

The Quote of The Day

Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels, simply by pouring out love. Love is infectious and the greatest healing energy.
Sai Baba

There was a time when I wouldn’t entirely believe in the ‘spiritual’ side of our existence.  Yes I always believed in Karma but just because I thought if you live it bad you get it bad…

But in time, as I’ve aged…seen things…new experiences…you have to believe there is more to life…to being a human being.  We are all connected.  Some connections are a live wire while others pass almost without notice…

But…why not?  Why not love each other…be there to help when other people find themselves in dark places…send love…

Love you….

I sit here laughing at myself…I’m full loon…but you see…I’m happy.  And screw it, if feeling this way makes me happy…full loon it is!

Warmer today…not bathing suit weather but…get out there and shovel perhaps…if it comes down anyway.

Babe…I send you huge love….I love you so much….

Cheers…while I wrack out…..

 

 

 

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Human Nature…

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Human Nature

Today signed passport documents and permission to travel will arrive at our front door.  I have a tracking number and confirmation from a 3rd party that both are inside an envelope and on their way here with a guaranteed 10:30 delivery.

I thank that 3rd party for her assistance…immensely!

I also have some options in regards to getting these passports processed should the regular channel let me down, for that I am also immensely thankful for…

And I’m sorry I can’t cough out my email address over the phone, choked up and in tears…emotionally unstable…yes.

I long for the days when I can just carry on like a regular human being without cautiously feeling out my emotional response to a phone call or a purchase in a store or sitting alone at a red light…

If not for the tint in the pickup can you imagine how many people would have seen this ogre pouring tears….

But…as it stands I am 99.9% sure we will be on a plane to Cuba and tomorrow I’ll be able to give you an update on the last .1%, although I am sure that won’t be an issue….I have my documents and I’ll be dealing with a human being…or 2…so I should be able to reason should a small obstacle arise.

My darling Sydney told me yesterday morning that she was 95% sure it would not happen, but I assured her the forms would arrive.

Consider this Todd, if you had sent the forms on Monday as your promised, slipped $20 in the envelope along with a note telling Ave and Syd to have fun and buy themselves a beautiful necklace….should you have had the wisdom to do that…those girls would have put you up high in their hearts and minds…you could have secured their love…

Also consider that come February 22, a group of 20 will be travelling to Cuba, friends of mine and some of their children…20 people that love these children and adults that love each other.  I promise you the ladies will have the time of their lives.  I hope that makes your day better.

Victor Wheeler and Evelyn Wheeler Las Vegas

….Today will not be the first day I do not cry……..

I want my wife back……

…………I woke up this morning at 1 am….I lay in bed trying to dream of Ev….trying to live out another day with her in my dreams…but the dreams won’t come….I can’t see her in them….her face is out of focus no matter how hard I try to see it….I so wish I could live out my days with her in my dreams….

wracking…..I need an emotional break folks….I want to see the first day I don’t cry…sitting here in the mornings is very painful…

Someone commented yesterday that they wanted to know how Ev and I met…well…online…plenty of fish…

We had our first date at a now closed restaurant in Brockville.  We met at 7:30, sat down and started talking…although we opened our menus a few times we never did order food….we just talked and talked until the restaurant closed….

We probably sat there for 5 hours…

I kissed her for the first time in the parking lot…a place I would sometimes visit while she was alive…

That’s right…when she was alive if I was driving by I would pull in and circle the parking lot to relive the moment….

Well there goes another cup of tears….wracked…The best day of my life remembered…..lost……

Took a moment for myself there….I really hope that is the last time I cry today, But I have my doubts…

Just went to the shop to pick up sheets….Oh my lord I have a lot of tears in me…but that’s tomorrow’s blog….

Before I get to the weigh in this morning….I love you out there so much…I hate pouring tears but I love to know I love her this much…and sitting here not being able to see the keys…well…some of it is your fault…making me write the blog and sharing my feelings allows me to feel them….

Fatty Weighs In

You can drink water and eat right all day long….until the evening…

Yes folks…I am punishing myself with food late at night.  I even tried to get Syd not to let me eat while we watched a movie together in the evening and found myself sneaking cookies and candies….after pleading with her to let me have a cup of nuts and some raw fruit….

FAT!

Kevin Parker

I would love to tell you that this is a doctored image of Kevin Parker…life insurance specialist…and kindly allow me a plug right now…This man CAN save you MONEY on your life insurance…  He really can.  Change your regular mortgage insurance into a term policy perhaps, the smart thing to do…and pay less…You can do it!

Okay…back to Parker…just look at that face!  Looks like he had a bad go with some Africanized Bees…holy smokes.

I think Parker just realized he has an allergic reaction to bon bons….they make him puff up…I mean puff Right up!  I hope her finds his way to some benedryl, remember what happened last time Parker…Kevin Parker

oh oh….

To be fair though, Kevin is not cheating on his diet plan, pgx shakes I believe.  He has lost over 10 pounds.

Trafford is also on the PGX and has also lost 10 pounds…and he was so skinny he almost didn’t exist to begin with.

Russett is losing weight steadily on the starvation diet, I’m sure he will be in the 180’s with today update.

Me?  Fatty?  Well at 9 last night I managed 2 cups of mixed nuts, easily 2 cups of raw veg, let’s say….hmmm…50 gum balls…and why not be honest… another 50 ish sour cherry ball things…

Yes, load up on some late night carbohydrates….

Wait…I had 2 cookies…was it 2 or was it 4?

I think 2…I was sugar drunk at that time so it isn’t entirely clear.

I weigh in this morning exactly where I was yesterday.

216.4 pounds.

I want to be under 210 by the end of the week, which is going to find me in Toronto at Ev’s sisters house…who is married to an Italian guy….

Are there carbs in pasta and bread?

I’m in trouble….

Today…do I try to be good to myself today?  Well the gym is out…stitches…so I have that excuse…I’ll come up with more….

The Quote of The Day

Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.
Yehuda Berg

I have suffered all of the abilities of words…some of my suffering, to heal and to humble, have made me a better human being. My words….and yours.

I have given thanks this morning and give it again…to everyone that helped me get passports…not only physically but mentally. Your support is much appreciated….all of you.

Hey…Love you!

Cold…will it end….

Babe…we are getting through this, and we are doing it exactly as you’d love it to be…I love your face……..

wracking….

 

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Tiny Hearts…

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Tiny Hearts…and minds

The only time I cried after writing the man blog yesterday morning…talking to Syd while she was dealing with Todd.

Passports?

No…

He did not send the signed forms.  He says he will today, I suppose we will get them on Wednesday.  That leaves 16 business days which should be enough.  I’m hoping.

Now…will it arrive.  As most of us know, you can courier between Ottawa and Toronto all day long in about 4-5 hours.  It hits a flight and is picked up to the door without a hitch,  Alternatively any post office, staples, purolator, or ups can give a 9:30, 10:30 or next day guarantee.

We shall see if another promise holds up.

Today’s blog will be angry.  The only bright light in this entire event, Syd is past Todd.  We will never again refer to him as her Father, and I can only thank him for that…for breaking tiny hearts and destroying tiny minds.

You see Todd, this little girls mother passed away 6 weeks ago…and although she was willing to hear you bad mouth her mother on the phone without coming down on you for it…she had a purpose…she wanted you to sign off on her vacation so she wasn’t going to hurt your feelings like you hurt hers…

Smart tiny little thing isn’t she Todd?

Smart tiny little things shouldn’t have to play games with grown ups…even the ones she is smarter than…

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry…

I cry for Syd…

Sign it all Todd…and go away…Syd has told you what she wants…

Evelynj KIndervater Wheeler, Victor Wheeler, RHiannon McIvor Wheeler, Sydney Skinner, Avery Skinner at sunset

In my life I have been blessed with so much love.  And I have so much to give…My babies are happy, I hug them every day, I tell them I love them, we have great memories and plan to build more…

Anyway…more about life and love tomorrow, let’s get to the weight in….

Man Blog Weigh In

Beagle hits the scale this morning at a svelte 190…a ground hog day for him.  He claims his suits are too big, he can’t keep his pants up.

Sean Russett holds up his pants

Now Beagle is not one to carry his pants around all day so I’m sure he will come up with something….

But 190 is pretty good…

Me, I gained a pound yesterday, I’m at 216.4 pounds this morning.  I did good most of the day, eating right, some meat, some veg…not too much of anything…and lots of water…

About 9 pm though, when I was considering going to bed…I may have had 2 sausages…on buns…with cheese…and 4 chocolate covered almonds…those were good…so I may as well have 4 chocolate chip cookies…

Ya…I’m feeding it now…I have to stop that or I’ll find myself above 220…I’ll make it back to 250 plus…

NO update from Parker this early…he likes his sleep…I did see him drinking water again though, he is following the shake diet so he will surely lose weight.

Skinny Trafford?  He is down to 175.8 pounds…

I have to get my act together or I’ll be the fattest one on the beach…but no gym today, a minor surgery yesterday and the doc said no gym for 3 days at least….

I will try not to clear the fridge before bed tonight.

……slow down…Just got an update from Parker, he is at 253.6 pounds.  He is crushing weight, that’s 9 pounds in 5 days….

I really have to get my act together!!!!

The Quote of The Day:

Children learn to smile from their parents.
Shinichi Suzuki

And although my children have shared many tears with me lately, we also share lots of good times…and we will continue to…and we already know it…

I thank those of you that take the time to comment, you support is much appreciated.

Hug your children, hell, hug your neighbor…

Cold…very cold

Love you

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Belly Kisses…

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Belly Kisses

Here we go….

On an early date with Ev, in the hallway, I remember exchanging kisses…how could I forget…

Wow that woman had a great body, and mine was much better back then too…I lifted her shirt enough to show her belly, and mine, and pushed against her…kissing…

She asked what I was doing…I said belly kisses………

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry….

Years later, when Charlotte started talked, Ev and I were surely amused the day that Charlotte raised Ev’s shirt and went belly to belly with her and said Belly Kisses….

Charlotte gave me belly kisses last night….

Yep.

I am surrounded by love folks, my children, my friends, my community and hundreds of …. strangers…

The kids and I drove around the city getting a few errands in order yesterday, high on Syd’s list for the opportunity to listen to music which she enjoys even more now that she has learned to control the cars radio with her phone.

She runs the playlist…sometimes I’m sure just to make me cry…

But as we drive around, sharing our tears…we know we are team love…we will get by.

We made it to lunch at the Oak with good old Kevin Parker and a few of the gbg, I had a water and a salad….more on that in the weigh in.

In the evening I went out for a coffee with one of my oldest friends Sonya, visiting from Alberta.  Certainly the most serious of my friends…not really that much of a surprise as she may very well be the only grounded person I regularly talk to…or consider a close friend…

Anyway…I love her…wonderful to see her.  Many of my oldest friends have taken the time to touch base…to make sure I’m not tying knots perhaps…I’m fine…better every day.

ev and vic kissing

I thought we did pretty good…considering I’m like 250 pounds in this photo…my wife…she could blow the chick in the top photo out of the water…

I miss you so much babe…..I love your face….

Although I’m getting much better at directing conversations away from tear jerking moments…advancing in the art of holding back tears, of sensing the emotional release and keeping it inside…I know I’m worse off for it.

I wish I could pour tears at every instance…I’m over the quicksand…I don’t know why but I don’t seem sunken by tears anymore.  Once tears again become a release, you no longer feel like you deserve them…

There it is folks…what a messed up way of thinking that is…when I made quicksand I didn’t want to do it for myself, now that I don’t I rather not do it to save my environment from my emotions…

That is a hell of a swing, but that is where I am at this moment.  I don’t want to cry in front of people…I’ve become an embarrassment to myself…

No worries, this too shall pass…

Just look at that photo up there, made by my beautiful wife…she was so happy with her life………

Before I get on to the man blog weigh in I’ll give you a passport update, Sydney has talked to her father and he promises to have the signed passport applications here this morning.  Anytime today allowing time for the passport office would be fine of course.  If by chance he doesn’t take the time to have the signed documents couriered here today, I’m betting Syd may never speak to him again in her life…

Outside of yet another attempt to get a passport of course….

Breaking young hearts….

Syd knows that if this trip can’t happen for her and Avery it won’t happen for the other children either.  I’ll try to get them all away together another time…next year maybe…but I won’t punish those girls by leaving them behind while I take the children that have passports.

Not something a FATHER does!

Geez….sorry….

One more….

Victor Wheeler and Evelyn Wheeler kissing

pouring tears….that’s life….

I can tell you that writing the man blog is very painful as I try to make out the keys through tear filled eyes…

Man Blog weight

This morning I weighed in at 215.8 pounds, 3 ish pounds down from yesterday.  It would have been more but I may have crushed a bunch of food moments before bed.  I am firmly back into the late night eats…something I must kick.

As it stands I want to weight 209.9 by this Friday…5.9 pounds away.  The issue is I’m not THAT fat right now.  I’m fat but I’m not drop 10 pounds of man weight in a week fat…

Here is a photo of a recent yurting trip with the Golden Boys.Andy Trafford showing off his belly

 

Good old Trafford, giving us all a look at his better side…hogging front and center…poor Parker out front in this one too…luckily for me I’m usually relegated to the back so I don’t take up too much lens.

I’ll get weigh ins from Trafford and Parker today, I have been witness to the fact that Parker is on the water…shakes and water….

I don’t see his metabolism aligning with his new found weight.

Beagle is crushing it!  A photo of the scale yesterday showed 190.8 pounds!  He has added 10 pounds to the spread in weight between us…I do wonder if these photos are taken after a long sauna with a handful of helium balloons.

Up Up and Away….

Today I will lose at least one pound….

The Quote of The Day

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.
Octavia Butler

This is something that anyone that calls them self a friend of mine has certainly discovered.

I love you…

Thanks to my dear friend Sonya Moss…

Other than Sonya today I reserve thanks for my babies…I can’t count the number of smiles they put on my face every day.  XOXO

Babe…I love your face!

Very cold…who else can’t wait for spring?  I can’t wait to cry in a new season……

Again…I love you…be good to one another!

Cheers.

 

 

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Drained…

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Too Drained to Drain…

I did not write the man blog yesterday…an emotional vacation.

What is an emotional vacation…well let’s review…

Pretend everything is fine, normal, unchanged and just about right…

The process of doing this…I don’t know…

Kevin came over yesterday to help me do some trim, we are in the middle of renovations here, something put off by illness…and other things…but these tasks do allow for a get away…time to think of other things…

And the reminder of dreams never realized….

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry…

I made it all the way to the evening yesterday, I thought I might make it the entire day.  I wouldn’t have cried at all I don’t think it it weren’t for the clan at Zizi’s Kitchen.  A few gifts cards are great, as is the food…but the note sent along with it….ya…I’m pouring tears right now.

Ev and I loved Zizi’s.  We spent many evenings there sharing a pitcher of Sangria and great food…while we were trying to figure out why she was in so much pain we stopped going to ZIzi’s…at one point we thought she might have an intolerance to garlic…

In reality her bowel was backed up…and any large amount of food would give her discomfort….of course 2 years and 50 hospital visits couldn’t help us figure that out….not until it was very far progressed.

Am I bitter about that?  You mean the doctor that told my wife she had a pulled muscle, laughing in her face and telling her to go home…just a month before she got her proper diagnosis….no…I’m not bitter at all…

I’m ……….

Pouring tears….kids just woke up and came in for a hug……

I’m bitter…I don’t know the name of the doctor at Rideau Valley Health Services that told my wife to stop working her lower body for a couple weeks…but it was one of their male doctors…just to help him identify himself…

If news of this gets back to you brother…2 choices…hand over your medical license, or start caring for your patients.

MORON!

Now…I’ve met some wonderful medical professionals, so many people that cared about my wife and my family.  I applaud you, the pain you must feel trying to keep the sick well….alive…

Pouring tears….the man blog vacation is easier than this…this is the realization of what I’ve lost…sharing isn’t without so much anguish…

Okay….back to life here…Friday was a terrible day spent doing the passport scramble.  And it ended with Syd sending her father a few texts asking that he expedite a signed passport application here by Monday.  If it isn’t here in the morning the chance of me getting passports in time is slim to none…I’m running out of time…

If I had written this yesterday I would have been vicious about the following comments, but I’m now going to attempt to do it without emotion…

And Todd…I hope you are reading this, if not, I hope your sister Paula is and shows you the light…

Sydney is contacting you out of necessity, you control the ability for her to travel…outside of that, she wants to continue as things are…without you.  Consider this Todd, as you text your daughter negative comments regarding her mother, or me…her father…consider how much pain you are making her feel…consider that she may be a 13 year old girl, but she is a young lady, wise beyond her years, the intelligence and street smarts of women in her later teens, early 20’s…

This young lady is a genius, and she hates your negative comments…

Kindly consider also, that as we journey down the path to my legal guardianship of the children, you can choose whether to just sign for it to happen, or that I pay 20 thousand dollars in legal to do it.  Money from the children…not unlike dental insurance money hey chum….

Kindly keep in mind you had promised to sign off on their adoption if I gave you back you child support….something I am still willing to do…and that I have in writing along with your negative comments to Syd…

I know…I’ll get comments today to keep this to myself…TOO BAD!  I’ll pay whatever price is levied for laying out my life here for better or for worse!

Anyway folks…you walk into Zizi’s Kitchen on Friday night, after a long day on the phone and a trip with Sydney to the passport office…a nice night out for the kids, a good dinner, in a beautiful atmosphere…

I’m floored…the entire meal I’m fighting tears…a losing battle…the only thing keeping me afloat are the 4 children I’m with, loving their night out…all mixed in with reminders of the loving nights I spent with Ev here, and the girls asking me where we sat and what Ev loved to eat…

Evelyn and Charlotte Wheeler, man blog, greiving

Oh….my beautiful wife…just starting the best days of her life…I love your face so much babe!!!!!

I’ve cried for a straight hour now…time for a bit of a detour.

Man Blog Weigh In

The only one of us that has been dieting is Beagle.  On Friday he sent me his weigh in…192.2 pounds.

To that I responded I’d see under 210 by Wednesday this week…sadly today I’m at 218.2, I turned the corner and now find myself feeding my grief rather than starving it…

I’d also like to announce a new face on the man diet, Trafford.  Skinny Trafford….

Andy Trafford joins the man diet

 

Now…Trafford hardly NEEDS to lose weight, but the beach a month from now obviously has him yearning for the best body he can have…and that I understand.

Although I would be perfectly comfortable without my shirt on at 218…I want to hit the beach at under 208…

It won’t be easy, Andy is in better shape than I am at the moment…

That’s Parker beside Andy in the photo, I believe he may be pointing to a sandwich in Parker’s other hand….

Parker is on the shakes, I saw him yesterday while I ate a curry and a ginger ale…I know I should have passed on the pop but….

Parker was watching soccer at the Heart and Crown, I paid his bill, it was $2.  A coffee and 6 waters…

I better pick up my socks.  Today I really will watch what I eat, and tomorrow the gym…unless of course by some miracle I get passport documents…

I’ll likely end up driving to Toronto on Monday to beg for the damn things….perfect….

Anyway…

I don’t want to spend the day Angry.  It’s not a state of mind my lovely wife would approve of….and as it is right now, I get through my days at this point being one with her…as crazy as that may seem…

I’m not even sure I had a half a train of thought today…

The Quote of The Day:
Sometimes we just need someone to be there for us. Not to fix anything or do anything in particular, simply so that we can feel love, supported, and cared for.
-included in a letter from Barb, Trudy and Ferdi

The nice people at Zizi’s…making me cry…xo

Thanks today…wow…The Kevins…always there for me through thick and thin…all the GBG too.

Mary, Andrea, Meagan, Gin, Kim…your comments help me explore my own feelings.

Jen Holmes…some things are so hard for a reason, but the reason shouldn’t make us hard.  Happiness isn’t a weakness…XO

Mandy, Sarah, Kim, Trudy, Jen, Gin…thank you for putting a smile on my children…they are wonderful and they love you for it….

The Auns, Kennedy’s, Moe, Nasser, Sue, Megan, Derek…my neighbors helping me get by….

So many people make my life a little bit easier every day.

….I will close out today with a bit of Anger though…and I know some of you will comment that I should keep my feelings and opinions in this regard to myself BUT….

…………………………….

that I just deleted….

…………………………..

sorry, maybe I won’t end this mornings blog in anger…I dedicate this moment to Jen Holmes…:)

looking cold kids….bundle up…

Love you.

 

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Better days….

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Better Days?

I sat down in front of my computer a moment ago to write the man blog thinking that today would be the first day I wouldn’t cry…

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry…..

Opening the blog I realized there was a comment I hadn’t reviewed, read it, responded….cried….that sent me to the obits which brought me to Ev’s….which leaves me here in tears….

I had a good day yesterday, and half of the day before…but yesterday was my best day yet.  I almost had a normal persons day…

I woke up, dealt with regular teenage girl getting ready for school issues, got the kids to school, prepped the shop for the day, went to the gym, picked up trim for the house, went for lunch with a friend, picked the girls up from school, dropped Syd off to get her hair done, stopped at a buddy’s house….etc…etc….

Did I cry during this time….yes…but only a tiny bit.  I held my tears but I didn’t have to hold them very hard.

At lunch with one of my oldest friends, who I informed before hand would not be the lunch of tears, I held it together pretty good.  Friends from a time long ago, a different Victor across the table…to think years ago this old friend told me I had no compassion….imagine that….I remember…

I almost lost it for a moment, I suppose to her I lost it…but to me I just had a moment…

The only real issue I had was driving Syd to get her hair done, on route I was getting ready to pour tears…hmmm…I’m trying to imagine why that happened…I know in the end why but in the beginning….I suppose I just think about our future together…yes, that’s it.

I love my babies very much and I feel that Ev loves me taking good care of them, which includes the kid shuffle….something that Ev and I might have been to focused on being together to do.

You see when Ev was alive we really did focus a lot of our time between us…we did ‘kid days’ for the big kids…and Charlotte was never far from Ev, they cuddled a lot…but we didn’t make time for the kids to do sports or dance or skating or what have you.  Ya we would do family ski days, le ronde, mont cascade…events…  but we didn’t feel we had the time to shuffle all of the kids so we didn’t

And now I’m trying to do it alone.  Do more for the girls by myself than we ever felt we could do together…this will likely mean the end to any of the dark brown that used to be in my hair…just for men dark brown kids.

Anyway, my darling Syd asks me about an old Nina Simone song, one I love, she throws down with her cell phone…and I’m pouring tears moments from dropping her off for hair.

It upset me as I really thought I would make it through…I thought I would make it through today too….and tomorrow….and the day after that….

Victor Wheeler and Evelyn Wheeler kissing

I love your fucking face!

Why am I doing so well?

It’s really just the not dating choice, simple as that…I’ve grown…I’ve figured something out in regards to my grief…a new piece of the puzzle…and I think I’m happy because I feel that Ev is happy with my choice…and since I love her…her happiness really matters to me even if she isn’t going to be beside me on the sofa or with me in bed…I’m a fucking loon….

And look at me now, up at 4 am…right on schedule.  🙂

Anyway, I’m good…I’m doing better….and I’m growing as a man and a human.  I’ve had a big life…and as I said to my old friend yesterday…you’d think I’d been through enough.

How much can one person learn in a lifetime…and I’m just 43…

But I sit there with my friend, married for 10 years, unhappy, unable to get out of her marriage, not willing to seek out happiness…quitting…

I can’t imagine it…I didn’t settle and for that I found the most amazing person, I lived a lifetime of love in 7 years, more than many people will after a life long marriage…

I may have lost my love, but I will never lose knowing what love is….

I have loved……………..

Damnit that makes me sad….but I feel for some of you out there that haven’t found love…those of you that are stuck trying to love, playing make believe….

You grieve every day….you just don’t realize it….you grieve for yourself…

Well….that was an angry tangent….ya…angry day and bad language…I take back any apology though…we all need angry days…

On that note, I’m at 215 pounds, down a fraction of a pound…

Ev…I love you so much…I miss you every minute of the day…thank you for loving me….

wracked out…..

Warmer today…

Cheers

 

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From Such Great Heights…

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From such Great Heights

Come down now…they will say…come down now…but we’ll stay…

I’m cheating the man blog…it’s 10:34 pm, just home from poker…I’ve had such an amazing day and it’s time to get it off my chest…off my mind…and maybe…if I don’t talk to a soul tomorrow…maybe tomorrow will be the first day I don’t cry…

We will see…for you all…welcome to tomorrow…good morning…good afternoon…and goodnight…

geez…

Okay…

Let’s cover this most important base, yesterday…

I cried non stop from 8:20 to 11:20…

I honestly hit a new low.  where was I…trapped…no, that’s not it……….torn…I guess that is it…I was torn.

For days…weeks…I had been considering dating…I have discussed it with so many people…even days after Ev passed I had the first discussion.

I first mentioned it to Shannon…an old friend, picking up Syd from babysitting.  I told her I could go back to the way I was…noncommittal serial dating…she told me I would regret it.

I walked away from that moment saved…I didn’t know what to do but I knew she was right, I would regret being the person I was before Ev…

Weeks later it started to eat at me again…dating…meeting someone new…enjoying the company of another person…a woman…

But I figured it out…the reason why I have considered it…and the reason why I found myself crying for 3 hours non stop…

You see in the end it would be no different than jumping off a cliff…or tying a rope in the garage…

…it’s suicide.  And I know I get a lot of emails and comments in regards to that…doubting my ability to get through this…my strength…my conviction to live…but that is not an option for me…I’m bigger than that…this does not write my story…

I will not be committing emotional suicide…

Ev Vic hearts

You see…even if I thought I could sit here and write this tonight without crying…drained after such a long day…and the joy of realizing that I won’t be needing someone else in my life right now…

The knowledge that I am prepared for this moment to go on by myself…

I’m still crying…I was so sure writing this tonight I would not….

An emotional pit…I’m in it…and sitting here sharing it with you keeps it from filling up…it keeps me above the quicksand…

…………………..That’s it for tonight….I’ll finish this is the morning…hopefully with a weigh in and a fresh new view on the day……

But I take back the tomorrow may be the first day I don’t cry bit…..who am I kidding……..

One more thing before I give up for the night…I may thank more people tomorrow…but tonight before I go to bed…I thank my new friends, the people that have touched base with me over my loss, over this blog…we share our grief or our feelings about our day to day and that is such an important piece to being good people, healthy humans that too many people live without.  I thank Mandy and Joce for their ongoing support and everyone at Samadhi for keeping Ev’s dream alive….and I thank all my buddies…no better group of guys in the world…to think I know 20 guys that know I’m in a terrible place…read this…and still accept me…is amazing to me…Yes we all realize I’m a lunatic…but there is a chance I could recover….

……………………goodnight………………………

Well that was a sleepless night…I think I might have crushed out 2 hours worth of Z’s…I thought I’d sleep like a baby, happy with my new found peace…but I found myself wishing for good night kisses instead.

I spent hours thinking above Evelyn and talking to her about….life…

Fuck….Today will not be the first day I don’t cry…

I guess after yesterday’s hours of tears I couldn’t expect this morning to be any different…at least the house is reasonably clean…today I’m going to buy some trim…get this house in order…

Yesterday morning spent cleaning, listening to music and talking to Ev…I realized that she is here for me…and I can’t fight that in the hopes of relieving my pain.

I had a few late night notes, most around clock times that are supposed to carry a meaning, I’ll choose to let that pass…although I did see 11:11 last night and 10:10…in that order oddly enough…

I also wrote a note that I didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to think….well, that’s never worked out…

Let’s get to the lighter…side of the man blog.

Man Blog Weigh In

Here we go…let’s start with yours truly…This morning I weighed in at 215.2 pounds…

Kevin Parker Expands at the man blogThat my lovelies is a loss of over 5 pounds yesterday…It could be man weight…then again it could be tears alone…

And I did eat my fair share of a direinzo’s platter last night at poker…but just the meat…

Beagle did the same, loading up on protein and vodka and diet koolaid…he hit the stump though, a ground hog day for Beagle at 195.4 pounds.

Beagle swears to hit the elliptical today…the sauna…and he may even fast…otherwise known as starvation….

Beagle has made the spread 20 pounds between us…not bad…

Parker…poor Parker…his mate from England flies out today which means he will hit the diet shakes…and today finds Parker at 262 pounds…

Well there certainly is some man weight to unload there…

We are one month away from flying out to Cuba…I’m already willing to go shirtless without embarrassment, hell I’m down from over 250 pounds…Parker…..I don’t know….expanding….

The Quote of the Day…oddly found at my wordpress welcome page…

Within your heart keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go, and sheltered so, may thrive and grow where doubt and fear are not. Oh, keep a place within your heart, for little dreams to go.

— Louise Driscoll

Sadly I still don’t see Ev enough in my dreams…but maybe I just don’t remember them…or maybe my mind doesn’t allow it yet…

To all of you out there that doubt my strength to get through this on my own…I’m not alone…I have you…remember also it takes strength to publish my emotions out here…for all my buddies to see…my neighbors…my clients…

This is not the task of a weak man!

Ev…I love your face…thank you for giving me your strength…

Folks, pound for pound I put her up against anyone…XO

Cold…heading to gym…

Love you all…

Cheers

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I have arrived…

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The Radio Speaks…

Yes folks, I have arrived…

This morning I slept in, no big deal as the teenagers are hard at their processes and habits, they are getting ready.  I’m only 10 minutes late for the babies and they are up and at it in no time…

Now, I should be talking about today’s business tomorrow…but better we start with a clean slate then…today…as I said…I’ve arrived.

2 teenage girls fighting with each other, no clean clothes as everything that I washed on Friday now resides on the bedroom floor, remarks about how things aren’t good enough, I’m too hard on them…they are out the door and I’ll have to clean up the house which is a disaster!  And I pretty much live in one room………

Depressing…you bet…

Dropped the little ones off at the door to school a wee bit late and the radio sings me a song…

The Clash: Straight to Hell.

How does my life become this?  Straight to Hell…is that what I get if I fall off the cliff…or have I already arrived?

Let me stop thinking…let me finish this blog and get sheets to the shop and the house cleaned up….

Yesterday I poured tears while talking to my mother, discussing my future…I want to be happy…I cry because I don’t know when I should do that…I may very well start now…I need to start my life.  I need an adult relationship…I think I may try to date…

I know that seems impossible, and I don’t want a relationship, but I want someone to talk to…to share with…

When I write it down it looks like I need a psychologist….anyway…

I’m alone, and my wife isn’t coming back.  We haven’t had a breakup that one of us can somehow repair…and I have to live on for at least 20 years to get Charlotte a good foot into life…even that…to have no parents at 24…makes me so sad…

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry…

I can’t live those years alone…I won’t…I don’t want to…

Prepare yourself for this next photo kids…I can’t take it…

The beautiful Evelyn Wheeler

I love your face….I LOVE YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wracking out….this from our honeymoon…I miss you so much babe……

Let’s review…I’ve had the perfect woman, the one I searched for over 30 years of my life.  Land this goddess, live every moment with her for 7 years…and lose her in 6 weeks after the shock of my life.

I can’t tell you how hard I fought those 6 weeks…I wanted to get 20 more years with her so badly.

I’m in a terrible place the past few days…fighting myself.  Caught between what I can’t have and what comes after…

I make notes throughout the day, things I don’t want to forget…here are a few from camping…my raw notes.

01.17 9:04 pm   -looking forward to big trees and walking with Ev

01.18 6:15 am   -mommy loved the strawberry patch….loved to pick berries

01.18 1:09 pm   -no escape today…thinking about you lots…thinking about life after too plus regrets and what if…but I think in     the end this was the result

01.18  2:52 pm   -hiking crying about how proud I am of Sydney

01.18  6:19 pm    -sitting with guys and I want to text Ev…still not 100% sure she is gone

01.18 8:38 pm     -tunes on way back form bar-sad but life need fun Ev would want it?

took a picture of a song on radio–>Erasure- A Little Respect

01.19 8:28 am    -crying after camp shower why? miss her in here…thinking about beach without her

01.19 8:30 am     -thinking about Todd  the future   making her proud while moving on

01.19  9:31 am     -home bodies…comfort at home comfort of each other

01.19  2:06 pm     – tears on trail.  Beautiful nature big trees.  Ev…so beautiful missing

01.19  8:04 pm    – I see my own leg in lulu sport pants and think it’s Ev…a flash in my mind

01.19   8:06 pm     -wish to see her tomorrow when I get home

01.19   8:22 pm    -not enough left. sitting in yurt alone.   missing her….want to go home

01.20   5:12 am    – coconut timbits  🙁

That’s it…welcome to my mind…

wracking out…

Scroll up, take a good long look at what I’ve lost.  I can’t even see the letters on the keys right now…

IT ISN’T FAIR!!!!

The weigh in today is short and sweet, I have cleaning to do.

Me 220.4   FAT

Parker   unknown, his diet starts Friday…over 260 for sure

Beagle is down to 195.2 pounds  He has lost 10.2 pounds

This morning I’ve lost  point 2 pounds worth of tears…..

The Quote of The Day:

Soul mates. It’s extremely rare but it exists. Sort of like twin souls tuning into each other. Apparently even in death.
-From the movie What Dreams may Come.

Until now only 2 people might know this…but for 2 years I also had diarrhea every day…I always told Ev it was because we ate so much fiber…I mean we eat cups and cups of veg every day…

But the day she died…I’ve had solid poops since then…

How does that affect a person…what does that make me think…why does that happen…

I said to my mom yesterday that somehow Ev and I were one person….

Where do I go from here…well I’m trying to keep the train on the track…but the track isn’t always headed in the right direction…

I’m wracking out…but I will be fine…I’m okay……………………..

….after reading over this blog….I’m okay is nothing short of a joke…but I will be…I’m just so torn right now…lost…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Close to the edge…

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The Risk of Nearing the Edge…

I spent 2 days camping in Algonquin park with the Golden Boys, otherwise known as the soccer guys.  Let me start by saying I weighed in this morning at 223.6, a huge gain.   More on that later…

At Yurting this year was a new guy, also a widower, he lost his wife 13 years ago to a brain tumor.  Also with 4 children the youngest being 5 weeks at the time…I feel for Steve, he was in even deeper than I…I can only assume he had the same great love for his wife that I have for Ev.  Steve is now remarried and seems to be held together pretty good.  I had wanted to talk with him more but day one I wasn’t comfortable in my skin and on day 2 I ran out of time…

I suppose I just wanted to know when…when I would feel better…when I would continue my life…when I would realize Ev wasn’t going to be home…

You see folks, that’s the rub…My mind is telling me there is a chance that Ev will be home when I get home from camping….and I KNOW that isn’t the case.  Not unlike cleaning the other day I had moved Ev’s purse on to the kitchen counter, forgotten it there, left the house, came back home, saw it…..and thought…good…Ev’s home.

Well…As I said to Paul on the way home from camping…I wish the gig was up, away with the smoke and mirrors….let me wrack it out…I wish myself to protect me no more…play no more games…

But it won’t happen…as I left the shower minutes ago I looked at the bed…maybe Ev would be there under the covers…

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry….and it wasn’t yesterday or the day before that…Even in places Ev has never been…On hikes through big trees where the beauty of nature should over take all….I compare the amazement of long standing trees as big around as a fiat to the beauty of Evelyn and all of the world falls short…Lucky I led the journey which enabled me to hide my tears from the guys…no more as the truth has now been told…

beauty and grief on man blog

I have told Ev I loved her 100 times this weekend…in my mind and out loud.  I touch the biggest trees I could find to feel their power and in that hope to feel some of Ev…Yes…I’m a mess, as I sit here typing away do you think I don’t know it?  And I have to battle what life was and what it will become…

How do I live on…

That is where I am at right now…I’m questioning my tomorrows.  I live my life right now as if Ev is here, I wear a wedding ring, I want to send her text messages to check in while I’m camping with the boys, and I pick up her favorite tim bits, coconut…when I see them at timmies and they aren’t there often, a special treat…a sign, not this time…

But this weekend when I pulled out my phone to text Ev I didn’t do it, and moments later when the guys asked me how I was doing I told them…Well guys…I just about sent Ev a text a moment ago…and some day I won’t eat Ev’s favorite Tim Bits after I’ve made the purchase…and some day…I won’t wear my wedding ring.  I think I will always wear hers…but not mine.

I know I’ll never get married again.  I’ll never get divorced.  I think I get to stay married as long as I want and I don’t see any reason to ever change that…but my wife isn’t going to be in my bed waiting for me……..

You know…I’m not a big fan of tears anymore…I have way too many…and even more I find I am holding.

I held a lot of tears while driving to and from camping, conversations with Paul often bringing me to the verge of tears…but I held them off…and I held them off this morning at Tim Hortons after I told Paul that I was buying these tim bits for Ev…because only when it comes out of your mouth do you realize how mistaken you are….

edge man blog
The Pain I feel these days isn’t a constant…it does come and go.  I had so many good hard laughs while camping with the guys, I truly enjoyed myself…

And that is something I know Ev wants for me…exactly what I wanted for her…a good life full of happiness…

There are cracks though…and I do find myself testing how close I can get to the edge of the cliffs…not to risk anything…just to see how solid my hold on happiness is…

Some things I shouldn’t write…and that is one of them…but I am fine…I really am…

maybe some crying of course…

 

Okay…

Man Weight

As I said earlier, I’m at 223.6 pounds, I think that is somewhere near 6 pounds gained this weekend.

I ate…and I mean yesterday morning I had the hungrymans breakfast with sausage PLUS the french toast with sausage and crushed it all.

The day before much the same…plus 2 full dinners at the mad musher while watching football.  After that chips…bon bons…you name it.

Today I will likely take it easy, trying to recover from the Yurting Footie championships which finds me aching from head to toe.

Parker…I’m sure he is up 10 pounds and will have his weigh in tomorrow…along with Beagles which I expect to be in the 180’s

Anyway…it’s on.  I’m under 210 by February 22.

The Quote of the Day:

The Edge… there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.

Hunter S. Thompson

Well, there is good old Hunter at it again, may he rest in peace…

Cold..too cold…

Cheers

 

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Less Gloom….

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Did the Sun Shine?

Now I’m not saying yesterday was a good day in my life…but somehow it seemed better than the days before…

What does that mean….am I getting better…have I successfully stuffed away some of my emotions?

I did pour tears yesterday…I cried while I wrote the man blog…I cried while I talked to Ev’s sister Bridgitte…and I cried randomly while walking around the house…

Maybe it’s simply because I attempted to clean the house for a few hours yesterday…the doldrums of cleaning a house that you’d never know had a cleaning after a couple of the kids friends stopped by to play in the evening.

Looking at the house right now…with board games about and play houses made…it seems impossible that I have to face cleaning this place again…but the giggles I could hear while all this mess was happening…well that makes it all worth it.

I even managed to have a conversation with the neighbors in the driveway yesterday without having a breakdown….so, maybe a move in the right direction…

Maybe I’m banking tears.  An option I hope is not the case as I’ll be camping with the GBG this weekend and am going to try my absolute BEST not to wrack out.  I want to go the entire term without crying…

Who am I kidding……

Charlotte has started telling her mother she loves her randomly throughout the day…something she may very well have picked up from me as I do catch myself having small conversations or proclaiming my feelings for her of either love or sorrow…

Charlotte has also picked up a new…I don’t know or to explain it…I guess vocal gesture…as she talks she makes a little noise…like a pause for dramatic effect.  One of the neighbors little girls does it and maybe Charlotte is copying it from her…anyway, makes me laugh…So cute these babies….

I went to bed early last night, packing the kids up around 9…tired…I watched a bit of TV in bed, something I didn’t really do before.  In the last year or so Ev spent a lot of time in bed, early bed times…resting…and she watched some netflix or what have you…

I haven’t found myself watching TV, yesterday was the first day I really watched more than 30 minutes in a day since Ev passed…before…well we used to hang out all day, watching shows…cuddling.

And I think in the past month I’ve only sat on the sofa…in our spaces…one time…….

But that’s it…a month…The love of my life passed away December 17, 2014….one month ago…

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry.

Victor Wheeler and Evelyn Kindervater kissing

Now…for those of you that don’t believe in signs…and yes…it could be an absolute coincidence….

Yes…a coincidence for sure…

But before I chose and posted the above picture I was going to post this one below….Ev babies
I was just thinking about how this is the woman I met…this is a photo of her from around the time we started dating…and…I know, I’m a loon…but just as I thought it….

The smoke detector goes off….I know, coincidence…but the smoke detector never goes off…

I sprint to the kitchen, take a quick look…nothing, no electricity…nothing on…I sprint upstairs and just as I hit the door for the bedroom to check on the girls….it stops…

I know…I’m looking for the hidden meaning of crazy stupid things in my life.

BUT THE FIRE ALARM NEVER GOES OFF!!!!  Never ever…

This was not an alert to tell me my battery was low…this was a straight up smoke detection alert…and now, 5 minutes later…still no alarm…

Well so what…I’m a crazy person…or just maybe…just maybe not…

Fuck…………….wracking out.

I wrack out right now because I don’t know…I just don’t…and I used to think I had this stuff all figured out….

Yep…the big man is nothing short of a loon…perfect.

The Quote of The Day:

‘Crazy’ is a term of art; ‘Insane’ is a term of law. Remember that, and you will save yourself a lot of trouble.
Hunter S. Thompson

Luckily I can always count on old heroes to bail me out of a tight spot.

No weigh in’s until Wednesday next week, I’ll be away from the computer…no man blog either…unless I touch base over my phone…

Folks…we will get through this…many of you will never look at me the same.  Some will think I’m a better man, others that I’ll never recover…and to be honest…sometimes I’m not sure myself…

I do know I’m crying…right at this moment I cry for myself…lost…so lost…

I send thanks today for banana bread and travel agents, good neighbors and far off friends that I miss so much…

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Tiny little hearts…

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Laughing Out Loud

I wracked out pretty good yesterday…it was a rough morning…of course it all begins with the man blog, the beginning of every day and the start of my grieving.  Before the man blog there is detachment…because there was always a time in the morning when I might find myself up alone…

Wrote my man blog and made the trip to drop sheets at the shop and pick up milk at Mac’s.  As I walk out of mac’s I glance at the magazine rack…and am flooded with memories…all those fitness mags, the ones that still come to the house with her name on them…the thought of the Manotick miler…A race that Ev has us signed up for…A race I will have to train for and run with her….

Today will not be the first day I don’t cry….

I fought tears hard yesterday, a good old friend stopped by…I held my tears…to be paid in full at a later date.  In the evening talking to soccer buddies, the GBG, I held them again, redirected conversations and generally detached myself from….life…

I will pay…

I start to wrack as I leave Mac’s…shuffle my way to the truck, start up and make the 300 foot ride home recovering.  I pull in the driveway and my neighbor Susan asks how I am doing…my stoic response is fine…and I felt okay…I thought I might carry on a bit of a conversation for a minute or 2…

Nope…I lose it…wracking out at the end of the driveway I grab my garbage bins and head for the house…

You see…I control nothing!!!  I can only push, bury, smother…so deep…but it will over flow and when it does it isn’t just crying a bit in the driveway…it isn’t a few tears at the computer while writing the man blog…

It’s a debilitating emotion, wracking out 100%, unable to control your body, you can’t move, you don’t think, all your body does is feel…pour out the overflowing emotions onto the floor…there will be no escape until you have been drained of it…you banked on the emotion and it’s time to pay the bill…

Driving down the road yesterday after looking for a birthday gift for my mother I found myself looking for cracks and corners…little spaces…You see…I’m hoping to see her peeking out from around a corner…I want to see her hiding from me….

And if you want to know how hard I’m wracked out….right now….the space I’m in this week…How I’m doing while I push down my emotions…while I pretend to be strong…

I looked for Ev under the bed yesterday…I’m not sure if I was looking for her or memories….but I lifted the mattress to see what was there…..

….Nothing….

So ya….I have some pretty bad moments…

I did have some laughs yesterday…I took Charlotte to her first canskate class.  She did pretty good and managed to stay at it until about 10 minutes from the end…100 falls and 100 new attempts.  By the end her little butt was just too sore to go on.

The interesting thing during this time, while I was worried Charlotte would quit…I prayed to give her strength…I prayed to Evelyn……I also found myself laughing out loud…feeling joy…feeling pride…and maybe feeling that pride from Ev too.  I know she is proud of me, the job I am doing…How hard I am trying…

Ev would be proud of Charlotte and I told her so.  All the girls are so strong, so smart…I’m proud of them all.

Babe…I love you so much, I miss you huge…and I promise to take care of your babies…

And that my friends…is the last thing I ever said to Ev…and I will go to my grave doing just that…

….emotionally unstable….maybe…or maybe I’m just emotionally stable enough to feel…we shall see.

As far as the man blog weigh in goes, Beagle had a ground hog day, his weight stayed the same.  Parker and I are up, our diet starts again next week…

A heads up, there will be no man blog on Sunday, Monday and maybe Tuesday…I just wont have access to a computer…

The Quote of The Day:

I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death.
Leonardo da Vinci

It’s cold…I long for spring this year so badly….

Hey…Love you…tomorrow will be better.

Cheers

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