Why count the days…

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The Days will run at the Man Blog

I’ve counted a lot of days.  Looking back on the man blog, my one thousand diets, I can see I’ve started and stopped the count many many times.

…My counting days are over…What would I count…days since….days to….who knows…I don’t…

I woke up yesterday and didn’t have any terrible thoughts of seeing what is after this life.  I’m past that…what a terrible experience.

I went out with the golden boys and had a beer while the kids were at a friends baking cookies…The report was they were doing well, lots of laughs over there…and me too, I laughed…we all did.

We laughed about what an ass I was before I met Ev…How much she changed the person I was…I didn’t rack tears there either…I welled up, sure…but I didn’t become the weird guy at the bar racking sobs………

I may have poured tears at the end of the driveway before leaving…..quicksand…but once I was out I put on a stoic face…

Where was I…the train of thought is not available on track 9 kids…

Terrible thoughts…I tell you, in my life I never EVER considered suicide.  It didn’t ever come across as an option.  Sure I’ve thought about it…I mean you hear about someone ending their life and you try to figure it out…to feel what that would be like…but it wasn’t an actual option.

But now I know…a great despair…an agony that makes you really consider the option…it makes it option A…

That’s the problem…it climbs up inside of you until it weighs on your mind…option A…

So I say I’ve learned a great deal, I’ve learned what it was like to seriously consider option A…

…That option is a scratch, I’m over it…a better man.  Thanks to my Ev, I’ve grown a bit better again…

Evelyn Kindervater-Wheeler meets the golden boys

It may be hard to see my love, but she is there…the night she met my soccer buddies…her lighting up my life and theirs…

Twice last night after say….7pm I was asked about my sobbing…why it happens and why it doesn’t…

Simple…I can sit at the pub with the GBG, something I’ve done 100 times, and not rack out…it’s a moment I didn’t share with her that much…the GBG nights are often just the guys.

But the drive home…when I reach for her hand…or call and chat with her during the ride…that’s it…rack out time…

The weigh in…217.4 pounds.  An absolute miracle really, I fully expected to gain huge weight as I crushed half of a delish family sized shepherds pie delivered by the Milne’s.  Good thing because if 5 pounds of food chugged down at 8 pm doesn’t bend the scale I must have been on empty.

Sadly I do forget to eat…it just doesn’t come to me…there are no hunger pains…they dissolve into the misery…

Today I lift the weights a bit…it should make me hungry, healthy.

This morning I’ll pass thanks to the same crew as yesterday…plus I’ll add my Mom to the mix, Ev’s Mom and sisters…who I love very much…I thank those on facebook that take the time to touch base…even though some slip through the cracks as I deal with loss, family, life…and so much…stuff.

Some of the people that contact me…friends…acquaintances….even enemies…touch me in ways they don’t know…maybe it’s just the right time…maybe it’s 3 words out of 100…but it helps…and I really appreciate it!

The Quote of the Day:

Growth is never by mere chance; it is the result of forces working together.
James Cash Penney

I grow every day…just when I thought I had it figured out…I start over.

I will be a better person, just because I want to…whether I succeed or not…I want to be better.

Today we will shovel…cold, snow…

Cheers